Candy, Do You Want Some Candy?

photo by Stephen Holvik

Lately I have had many people tell me that I have a unique way of writing human emotions and expressing things that is so hard for others to talk about.  I take that as a compliment and I believe I owe my openness to the fact that I used to be a shy, quiet little girl who always watched everyone else…and then one day shit got real and I couldn’t keep my observations to myself anymore.  

When I was with my ex he always got mad at the things I’d say….his comeback was always, “do you ever think before you speak?”  For a long time it made me feel like I could never do anything right.  I always felt like I wasn’t good enough because my opinions were shut down and ridiculed.   One day I woke up and realized, he is the one with the problem.  Not me. Speaking my mind is my right as a human…Freedom of speech as an American.  It’s only an opinion.  The only way an opinion can affect you is when you allow it to.  He was embarrased because he didn’t believe in me the way I believed in myself. Stripping embarrassed him, he loved a stripper and I couldn’t be that and have him.  So I changed, I shut up and I never mentioned my past once I recreated myself.  

When I first started blogging my family were my biggest supporters.  Everyone knew I started dancing again.  My grandmother, dad, mom, everyone.  I keep no secrets…(maybe a few but all women need some things to themselves ;)…but my lifestyle is an open book.  That’s my secret to happiness.  I’m ok with me. So only others who accept me for me, I allow into my life.

When my topics became more risque, the families support took the backburner.  They don’t say much.  Maybe they’re embarrased, I don’t know.  Maybe they feel like there’s so much more I could be doing with my life.  I’m here to tell you that “I got this!” Don’t worry about me.

What my family fails to realize is……I was born for this…lol and here’s why.

I come from a middle class family from central Florida.  Nothing special.  My dad has been a landscaper my whole life, my mother had various jobs.  Cleaning houses was one she had most of my childhood.  We weren’t dirt poor and we weren’t rich.  They divorced when I was three and I grew up with two homes, double Holidays and lots of love.  

Here’s what they don’t know…. I’m a blonde hair, hazel green eyed little girl who can’t get fat even if she ate shit for food and they named me Candy!  Yup my name is Candice but if you go through my childhood papers.  They say Candy.  I had the principals award every year…Candy Hayes…

What says future stripper more than blonde hair, green eyes, redneck daddy and a hard working mother????

the name Candy, duh…

You guys created me, so stop worrying about whether I can handle it.  

Growing up I would decorate my walls with my daddies snap on calendars and Hawaiian tropics models.  I had two favorites.  One was the image I wanted to look like when I grew up.  I posted her everywhere because I felt like she was the most beautiful thing and I wanted to be her.  The other was more exotic looking.  I’ve always been attracted to women from far away places.  Long dark hair, olive skin, light eyes, tiny waist and a big ass.

I’m not a victim in any way and my family made sure of that.  We had target practice with beer cans and pellet guns. My dad taught me nunchucks and a mean right hook.  My mom taught me how to change a tire and my oil.

As a child I was shy.  I was shy and quiet growing up.  The kids used to say, “Candy, do you want some Candy”  attempting to tease me because my name.  I always thought they were stupid and just kept my mouth shut.  I was never confrontational.  That would draw too much attention to myself and I never, ever wanted attention….but I did watch.  I watched everything and everyone. Quietly for years.

Even during my days of running the streets of Miami with my girls, pre-marriage, I was still quiet.  We’d go out in an entourage and I would post up somewhere.  Sporadically I’d here “are you ok?”  “ You don’t look like you’re having a good time”..I was though.  I enjoy watching.  I never cared to be the center of attention.  I like to observe.  By the time I left wherever we were hanging out, I could tell you who was going home with who….who has money to spend…who I could potentionally get money from.  What people don’t realize is, when I moved to Miami, I left Orlando as a quiet little girl and was transformed into a true Hustler.  I went through extensive life training.  The shit I know was imbedded into my being.  It was sink or swim.  When people use the term, “school of hard knocks”  it’s not a term to take lightly.  That means they’ve been through some shit.  My shit I’m saving for my book but I remember Alexis’ face one particular day when my two worlds temporarily collided.

It was like 20 something years ago.  I had came up from Miami to visit my best friend I grew up with.  My people were coming up from Miami so we all could go to Halloween Horror nights.  Alexis lived in Lake Mary at the time so she took me to a gas station near I4 where we were to meet my ride. See, my friends, my people, my FAMILY is what we still call each other were a bunch of bad ass bitches.  We ran shit in our days.  A heard of titties, asses, flat stomachs, tans, long hair and money for days.  Limits were something we didn’t believe in and reality was what we made it to be.

All of a sudden, and I can still remember her face, Alexis was in shock.  Pulling into the gas station was my fam… there were the 3 Cadillac Escalades, one shiny black, one pearl white and the New EXT that was just released that year.  A white jaguar S type, silver corvette, red and black prowler, 2 BMW 745’s and the blue Ferrari….she said it was like a music video..to me it was my life.  My people were picking me up so we could terrorize Universal and then drive back home.  I had work the next day.

Even then, even in the limelight I was quiet and I just observed.  I soaked every lesson life had and has to offer and logged it into my memory.  When I need a reference, it’s like going into my card catalog of past experiences. I use the tools in front of me everyday.  Lessons learned, life experiences, mistakes, bad choices…they are all here so you can perservere

Perspective…I’m aware that people see things differently so I never get hung up on anyones opinions.  They don’t effect me.

Intuition…always trust your gut.  If you do what feels right you will always be ok.  Even if what feels right hurts because another person may not feel the same…Let it go..it wasn’t right…negativity has a very specific feeling…it’s not good….don’t allow it to have any bearing over you.

Silence…silence is the answer to everything.  shut up and listen….if you do that one thing, you’ll never stop learning.  The answer to any question you can ever ask is right inside you.  Sit in silence and listen to your thoughts.

I know my family reads my stuff. They’re silently supporting me.  Every so often someone will mention something I said and I’ll elaborate.  Just think, maybe if you named me Amber or Amanda or something, I’d be what, working a 9 to 5?….no thank you.  I’m glad you named me Candy, I’ll embrace it.   but the next time someone comes to me with “Candy, do you want some Candy”…he’ll be lucky if I send him home with enough money to buy gas.

🙂