Still Waters Run Deep

“The soul has no secret that the behaviour does not reveal” Lao Tzu

That is exactly how I felt last night.  I was invited over John’s house for dinner with him, Jamie and John’s “girl” Ana.  The setting was beautiful as the Christmas decorations were in the process of being displayed.  On the table awaited our most delicious Caprice salads, (and I felt so bad when I saw John’s face from my not eating tomatoes) while John seared Tuna Steaks outside on the grill. Everything was wonderful except for me.    I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t enjoy myself and I couldn’t stop the volcano of emotions erupting inside my head.  Just the slightest comment was all it took to push me over the edge and let go of the tears I spent the entire evening pretending to suppress.

My emotional weight has been incredibly heavy over the past few weeks and I’ve done everything imaginable to get to the source.  Instead, I found myself sad when circumstances are happy and angry when I have no reason to even feel upset. I tried yoga, meditation, eating chocolate, orgasm, exercise, talking to friends; everything I would suggest to someone asking me for help.  Still I can’t hide the frustration.

In attempt to get to the root of my melancholy state I began to construct this blog post.  Formatting my paragraphs inside my head while I reflected on every thought.  Hoping to process my reaction to the thoughts.

When one begins the journey to their higher self. Renovations need to happen, walls get knocked down and memories that were hidden deep into your cerebral suddenly are set free.  When you set those imprinted emotions free, you physically have to feel the emotion again.  So if the memory was happy, you’ll sense a euphoric feeling when you uncover that once lost moment.  But if the memory is sad, you too become sad.  Until you face whatever it is you are hiding, that sadness will linger.

Lately everything is upsetting me.  I’m frustrated with work, and my finances.  I’m irritated with rental cars.  I’m unwilling to follow through with anything and my resentment towards my children makes me ashamed to even admit it. They want, need and deserve so much and I’m only one person.  I want to write, I want to paint, I want to spend hours do nothing but exploring the world with my children.  I need to relax, I want fun, I have to work…. I go to work and lets say I meet an asshole, I use every bit of my positive energy to erase him from my aura and start over.  Seven hours later in 7 inch stilettos, after 3 people have tried to touch under my underwear or asked me “what goes on in the champagne room?”  I’m emotionally spent and aggravated with my job and feel I’m not compensated enough for the energy I put in.  Then I get pissed at the girls who so easily sell their bodies and their souls and have it all.  I’m struggling to maintain my morals, sending compassion to the women who don’t have it for themselves. Yet I see them with what I just can’t get to and I wonder “It’s just sex, I did it with my husband when I didn’t want to”  and that thought makes me angry with myself.  I love my life traveling, but I’m tired of my suitcase and I miss having a closet.  I’m hard on myself when I know I should be reading with the boys but I just need an hour of sleep.  All these emotions weren’t here 4 weeks ago.  There was a trigger and until my drive to John’s house, I was unaware of what that was.

It was a phone call from Gabriel, my son, while I was camping at Boyd’s during the Key West power boat races.  The day started with rain and I had put all of Heather and my blankets into the car.  It was pouring and the tent my dad lent me didn’t have a rain guard.  Already frustrated because Heather and I had just had a conversation about cutting our losses and leaving the races due to repetitive bad nights. It’s pouring rain, I ‘m sitting in the car burning sage to clear my mood and my phone rings.  Gabe is nervous and doesn’t want to tell me why.  He says, “Did dad tell you?”  I’m like, “tell me what?”  and he goes, “Nevermind”.  Now i’m irritated with him because I hate when people say nevermind.  It’s like dangling chocolate in front of a women on her “Red Dragon”!!!  I make him tell me and I find out that my ex husband and father of my children just introduced them to his new girlfriend.  That wouldn’t be a big deal for a normal ex.  Not mine.  This is number four and he just left the last one a month ago after my kids spent the summer with them and her son. Another girlfriend wouldn’t be so bad either because I do want him to be happy.  I recently just complimented him on his current employment.  I told him that I’m so glad he’s doing something that makes him happy.  And then I’m smacked in the face with this.  She’s 19.  19 and pregnant.  I don’t feel an emotion right away and I do my best to say the right things to Gabriel.   The phone call ends and I smoke myself  to sleep with a serenade of rain pouring on the hood of my rental car, a meditation mantra cd of shanti mantras, sage and nag champa burning in the ac vent. The windows are cracked so the fresh rain scent allows me to breathe just enough without causing the rain to soak my skin.  My Ganesha statue that I received as a gift from my dear friend Jayesh sits on my dashboard. The emotion is instantly locked away and buried so fast I never knew it affected me.  I was proud of myself for dealing with that so well.  I even woke up to a rainbow over the crystal clear turquoise sea on the beach of our ocean front campsite.

A few days later Gabriel called me again.  This time he says, “Dad wants to know if you’re going to put anything in your blog.”  Apparently he is concerned about his ex girlfriend finding out before he could say anything to her himself.  I had a few sarcastic comments but I was in control enough to only say them in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Instead I told him to tell his father, “mom says not my monkies, not my circus”.  I didn’t understand why he was concerned about my blog when he just put a picture on Instagram of the new girl with the kids?  It didn’t make any sense to me and I again brushed it off.

I did talk to my closest friends about it.  I didn’t call my family because they get all worked up and every time insist I take him back to court to get child support.  I’m entitled they say.  I tell them the same thing everytime, “you can’t get blood from a turnip”. When I got divorced I insisted on having full rights and responsibilities in exchange for my complete freedom! I wanted nothing in return and I denied child support.   For 10 years I watched him not pay child support to the previous ex-wife.  Always justifying it by stating, we were broke and needed our money for living expenses. Saying things like, she has plenty of money and my daughter is fine…he’d go on by boasting she’s taking vacations and shopping, she doesn’t need to take our money when we need to buy food.  I would see his point.  When people asked me why he didn’t pay child support to his ex, I’d explain it the way he explained it to me and I would make them believe what I chose to believe.

For as long as I can remember I made excuses for him.  I told myself that I would love him unconditionally and no matter what happened I wanted him to be happy.  So every time something hurt me, I locked it away and tried to control my emotions. I tried to love myself by setting him free.  It worked. I did set him free.  I no longer am in love with him.  When he does something that used to hurt me, I only feel sad for him.  I do want him to be happy and I do want him to have a successful relationship.  I believe we all deserve that but will never have that until we clean out and face all of our own shit.

I thought I was angry because just when I might have gotten a tiny bit of financial help, the Universe says just kidding. Knowing he now has a job he likes gave me hope. That is something I thought would never happen. I thought I was angry because I still believed he would start helping when he could…..and once again he can’t.

Now he has to take care a of a child having a child. The reality that I’m completely alone, like for real alone finally hits me. Over the past 3 years when anyone asked me about my ex and his character… I always respond by saying something along the lines of, “He’s going through a really hard time right now.  I know how hard it is to find yourself and his happiness is more important than money.  I know that when he is able to help, he will.  Right now, he is just struggling.”  They all roll their eyes.  Every single one of them. Again, I’m making excuses for him.  Deep down inside I know it’s a crock of shit.  I want to be positive.  Thinking positive creates positive and if I believe it, than it will be.

Do you know how fucking exhausting that thought process is?  The power of manifestation is the most amazing thing I have witnessed and experienced myself.  But sometimes, It’s really exhausting when you have an ex like mine.

All of a sudden everything that didn’t bother me is bothering me.

Then I have my aha realization and I force myself to go all the way back.  Find the hidden rooms concealing every pain I’ve captured and locked away.  Pains I couldn’t release because I never allowed myself to feel them.  I denied the reality and created my delusion.  My delusion was safe and my excuses made sense.  I can’t keep them hidden anymore because someone knocked on the door and woke everyone up.  So I went into my subconscious blazing and began kicking down the walls hiding my skeletons.  Confronting them one at a time. First I have to face them, and then I have to feel them.  One by one. That’s the only way to finally be free.

I’m feeling and reliving every excuse I pretended to believe and every pain I denied its presence

2003 He’s married to his ex-wife but just came back from Iraq. We had exchanged letters the entire year during Operation Iraqi Freedom.  We fell in love. He wanted to leave his wife for me.  We went back and forth about what’s right and what we should do.  He ended up on my doorstep during military leave when he left his wife after an argument they had over sex. I showed him my world and when he cracked, I always blamed myself.  I would say to myself that something must have happened in Iraq that he doesn’t talk about and maybe my lifestyle is too much for him.  I quit for him.  I didn’t want to quit.  I wasn’t ready to give it all up but I loved him and he couldn’t handle my life.  We once went to a swingers club because it was something my girlfriends and I enjoyed.  I wanted to wow him with my life but instead it gave him an impression of me he was unable to let go of.  I normally wouldn’t partake in the festivities when we’d frequent Trapeze.  The swingers club that my girlfriends and I liked to go to after work on occasions.  I would enjoy watching.  That particular night I brought my ex, we all had a little too much to drink and everyone had touched some part of everyone else. Him and I ended up getting into an argument and I tried to prove I didn’t care so the next morning, Not having slept yet, I told him I wanted him to sleep with my roommate.  I told him to do it and when he actually did.  I was pissed.  I couldn’t tell him I was pissed so I locked it away.  Telling myself it was my fault because I asked him to do it.  Everytime we’d ever argue about anything related….I knew he thought he loved a slut, only because I chose to be honest.

2004 I’ve left my life in Miami and moved into his house in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  He’s still married to his ex-wife and going through a divorce. I later find that she was unaware of that divorce at the time. I’m playing the role of army wife and silently missing my friends and life back in Miami.  I miss dancing but would never admit that.  I miss going out of the house now that I sit inside his home all day long preparing for him to come home.  Only for him to come home and bitch about everything that didn’t go his way during his day. I pretend not to miss my life and make the best of our life.  I’m pregnant and his mother warned me not to hurt her boy.  I can’t get help because he is married to his wife and the military doesn’t take adultery lightly.  I have to go back to Florida to apply for Medicaid because I am ineligible for Tricare.  But I get to see my friends so I’m happy. I come back to Ft. Bragg after I now have insurance and our arguments continue.  We are both stressed and scared and he is worried about his career. We agree to get an abortion after discussing it for 16 weeks.  I couldn’t have a regular abortion like the one I had before.  When I was 18 in Miami. They put you to sleep and you wake up with a very heavy period and light cramping.  I was 16 weeks with this child. We both wanted the baby but neither could imagine going through with it.  We drove to a facility in Raleigh, North Carolina.  The closest one that performed terminations at that late in the pregnancy. Neither of us had the money for the procedure so I asked one of my regular customers if he would pay for my abortion.  He always gave me way more than the amount every time he used to visit my club so he was more than happy to help.  After I signed all the legal documents, I’m given two pills.  One that causes the babies heart to stop. The other to induce labor and make your cervix start dilating. I had a fraction of a second to not take those pills and instead chose to feel no emotion and just swallow. A decision I never forgave myself for.  I studied spirituality and found peace with believing that some souls serve a purpose. That some babies were never meant to be born.  That everything happens for a reason and this was a life lesson we needed to experience. After I swallowed the pill that ended my would have been childs life, they had me sit in a room with everyone else suffering the same sense of self-hatred and remorse.  When it was my turn to go back he kissed me on my forehead and told me we were doing the right thing.  I didn’t believe him but I told myself I did. I don’t think he believed himself either.  Now I’m laying on the table with my legs strapped to the stirrups.  They strap you down because they don’t administer anesthesia for this operation, but you are given gas to numb the pain. So the straps are there so you don’t kick the doctor basically.  They said you only feel a little pinching and it doesn’t hurt too bad.  That was a lie.  After the babies heart stops and it is officially dead.  They have to cut the fetus up small enough in order to remove it through my half dilated cervix.  It hurt like hell and I felt every bone break and every cut.  I couldn’t cry because I didn’t want to accept this wasn’t the right thing to do.  I focused on breathing through the pain and trying not to think.  I remember telling the doctor to stop after the first bone broke and he, with the most sympathetic  voice said, “ma’am it’s too late.  Your baby is already gone.  You have to relax so we can remove all of the fetus or you could risk getting an infection.”  I wanted to cry.  Instead I locked it away.  We went to Applebees for lunch afterwards and neither of us said much.  We agreed that we should take this time to focus on us and building our relationship…looking at this as a second chance.

One week later, he need space.

I was smothering him was his excuse when he broke up with me.  It was the 4th of July and I was driving to Ft. Myers to watch fireworks on the canal at my grandmas house.  I cried from Lakeland, Florida all the way to Cape Coral while my best friend Kristen drove in silence.

I blamed it on the abortion and told everyone who asked me what happen that he was depressed and couldn’t handle it.  That fact was true.  It took a serious toll on him.  One that almost caused him to take his life later on.

Many times I made excuses for his actions.  Too many painful experiences I muscled through and pretended didn’t bother me.  They are all coming back to me in the form of sadness and anger triggered by this new baby.

I’m angry because I know he thinks I make enough money and the boys are ok.  That reality is true.  They don’t go without.  I provide for their every need but I’m breaking myself down in the process.  Trying to find balance and make it all work in a way that makes everyone happy.  I was ok doing everything when I thought he was trying to do something for his future that would fulfill his life. Something that would in turn allow him to finally live up to a promise he once made to help when he could.  It’s only fair as I’ve fulfilled my promise to never take the children away from him and to allow visits whenever he is in town.

Now I’m not ok

 The reality hits me on the way to dinner with my friends last night.  I’m not ok because he does need to help.  Women all over the world get help from exes whether they have new spawn or not.  If he can make a baby than he damn sure can support the ones he’s already made.  I caught myself making excuses for him.  Telling myself he will need his money because babies are expensive.  I planned to be supportive when we talked. Whenever that is because I haven’t spoken to him in months. My son plays middle man telling me what dad says and that makes me angry.  He’s too young for that burden and that’s why I hide my emotion and answer diplomatically.

Then yesterday came the straw that broke the camels back.

Gabe says dad wants to know where they are spending Christmas.  They’re spending Christmas with their grandma and grandpa because I need to go work since I can’t afford Christmas.  My rental car needs renewed on the 20th so I’m letting grandma provide the magic while I spend Christmas making some cash.  I was ok with this knowing everyone was happy.  I’ve had the kids every holiday since the separation so it’s only fair.

Why do I have to work and miss everything while he gives me nothing to contribute?  Then he gets to pop in and show all of his Facebook what a good father he is.  Then take tons of pictures showing how they’re  such a happy family. I’m not ok with that and I feel so guilty because I want them to be a happy family.

I wish that were true but the sad reality is it isn’t.

Both boys suffer severe separation anxiety and I spend every moment away from them in guilt while I’m doing what I need to do to give them what they need. Then I spend every moment with them making up for spending so much time away.

I can’t carry the weight of the emotional baggage anymore.  I apologize to anyone offended by this post.  I’ve only spoken my truth from my perspective.  As I’ve previously stated.  This is my journey to self-love.

My journey and mine alone and those that take offense, ask yourself what it is that offends you?  Why does it offend you?  Maybe there is some truth buried deep inside your soul.  Emotions you’ve never felt because you pretended they didn’t hurt. Maybe my words have triggered that emotion you hide.  Be careful when facing a truth you don’t want anyone to know not even yourself.  It’s a very dangerous path, one should proceed with caution as it can be quite painful….but if you can endure the pain, in the end it’s the freest form of freedom

Dreams Don’t Work If You Don’t

Here I am in Key West again.  I wasn’t supposed to come back to the keys until October according to my calendar.  It’s off season and the money isn’t here.  My soul brought me here, not the money.  Every time something seems missing, I make my way down  for recovery.

I had the perfect opportunity to double my savings last month.  My children stayed in Michigan with my mother and I plotted my perfect work trip.  Starting with Myrtle Beach Bike week and ending in Savannah, Georgia.  Instead, I chased false leads, reacquainted with old friends and made new friendships.  I drove up and down the coast of the Carolinas. Visiting loved ones and meeting new tribe members.  I didn’t get much work done, I did get tons of writing done.  I completely wrote Therapist in a Thong.  Then I read it and realized, it’s not what I envisioned.  I’m not sending  the message I originally set out to send.  There are too many tangents.  I’m not focused and that got me discouraged.  I slipped into a funk and I didn’t go to work as planned.

 I did other things I love to do instead.

One was driving.

I just drove, music up windows down.

 I stopped to shop.  Tried new restaurants.  Did yoga and every day I talked to Chelsea.  We both went through a tough month.  The light is brightening because neither of us have given up.  In fact I had to hit rock bottom again in order to put all my puzzle pieces together.

The past two days were the first time I went to work consecutively since Talladaga. It was slow.  I busted my ass to make what I did.  I need that though.

 I learned the tricks to the trade.  I’ve figured out how to make the most of this industry and because of that, it made me lazy.  My book funk put me in a spending frenzy.  I managed to blow through $10,000. in a few weeks.  On my behalf, most of it went to flights, rental cars and hotels.

It happened anyways.  I spent my last couple hundred booking flights to Florida and I stashed aside the fee for the new Monroe County dancer’s permit.

Funny thing, my Florida drivers license was suspended.  This whole time because I didn’t have car insurance.  I cleared it up and paid an unexpected fine.  They just had to search the system and prove I surrendered my plate.  Not having a car anymore and turning the plate in isn’t sufficient enough.  What makes me laugh is, I rented a car for a month.  From different locations.  All with a suspended DL.

😀 This is hilarious to me because you can’t rent a car without a credit card, but apparently whether you can legally drive is irrelevant. 😀

Just being back here with the crystal clear salt water.  The humidity forcing detoxification.  Even the constant smell of citronella warding off the mosquitoes.  My soul is reviving and the inspiration began to flood my thoughts.  The chicken scratch in my notebook is barely legible.  I’ve restructured my book and all my distracted thoughts formed another one.

 Chelsea and I finally know where our company is going. We’ve designed at least 6 business plans, and let 3 domains expire over the year. For a long time we’ve wanted a restaurant.  It’s no secret her food is amazing.  We have references for days from all who we’ve cooked for.  Instead we decided to combine our dreams, our passion and our lifestyle.

The happiest time of my life was the last year I spent with Chelsea and my kids.  Anyone who has witnessed the two of us in person together will say the same thing.  It’s like her and I have known each other our entire lives.

I want to continue that happiness.  I want to take trips with the woman who makes me smile. I want to cook food by the beach listening to reggae music.

I want to turn her restaurant into a seasonal food truck that serves St. Johns Newfoundland in the summers and Key West in the winters.  Unless Hawaii is my true hearts desire.  We both think I can’t make the final decision until I go there and see for myself. So I’m going.  After Andrew’s birthday.  My next step is Hawaii recon.

Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about Chelsea.  Not a day has passed that we haven’t spoken.

90 % of my marriage my husband was away.  I never felt like I do in Chelsea’s absence the entire time. I’d miss him. Not like I miss her.  I can’t function when we don’t talk.  She gets me and understands me in a way that nobody else can.

I arrived in Key West the weekend of the LGBT Pride festival.  This same weekend 49 people were killed in my hometown of Orlando, Florida because of a hate crime.

People killing over hate and I just want to see the person who makes me happy.

She’s a Canadian.  I’m an American

We need to stop talking about getting married and just do it.  Isn’t the American dream to spend the rest of your life with your best friend.  I’ve already found that person.  So what if she happens to be a girl! My life won’t change and neither will hers.  It will just improve. I don’t personally believe in marriage anymore and what it stands for.  What I do believe in is equal rights to happiness.

Now I’ve set my intentions.  I have to live my life like my dreams are already in the works.  Don’t worry about the how and focus on the now.  My first step is to go to work tonight.  Dreams don’t work if you don’t.

I may be at rock bottom financially, but I’m debt free.  I paid my 600 phone bill yesterday with cash.  Cash I made the day before.  How many people can say that? I’m debt free living in paradise.  Oh and I don’t have to fuck anyone to accomplish that.  I just made real friends because I’m a real person.

It’s just one of the little reminders I keep in the back of my mind when I meet someone new.  Upon introduction.  After the handshake when they ask me what I do?  It’s always the same facial response.  The great first impression was immediately replaced by their judgement.

I’ll change that one day.  I always do.

Things Never Go As Planned

It’s Friday night, I had planned to go to Scores for the grand opening here in Tonawanda, NY but I’m just not feeling it.  Instead I’ve spent me time.  I did exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

At this point in my evening I just want to chill.  I’m listening to 90s R&B on Google play and TLC’s,  Red Light Special is playing.  I can’t explain how perfect this song is for the room I’m staying in at Kristen’s house.  Her guest room is the red and black room. It has black walls.  Red satin curtains, a red tube light around the ceiling, a black and red comforter and black and red chaise lounge.  The decor is eclectic like the rest of her house and I’m so comfortable here because she’s the only other person in the world I know who decorates just like I do.  We’re both eccentrically eclectic, with bold pops of color and mixed themes that only go because we put them together and everyone wants to and always copies. I don’t care if they do either, I hate white walls and boring rooms. So go for it, use my ideas.  I’m a muse, it’s part of it.  And yes. Kristen’s room is a sexy room and I’m comfortable here.  Red light special is the most fitting song to enjoy my roasted and salted no shell pistachios while I share my thoughts with all of you.

I’m not sure where my thought are leading me tonight so you’re coming on my mental journey with me this evening.  I know I’m starting with my thinking about how I planned to go to Scores, but things never go as planned. Or maybe I could just be comfortable and looking for an excuse.

My flight to Myrtle is booked, I have enough money to eat and live and I’ve already arranged my travel.  I did my hair and nails so I could realistically just workout, tan and prep for Myrtle.  I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how the weekend unfolds.  We were going to Manhattan, that didn’t happen.  Who knows what will happen before I fly out Tuesday. Things never go as planned

Look at last weekend.  I planned to go home to visit Michigan so many times in the last year.  At least four attempts and never made it.  Last weekend I say, “Hey my birthday is on mothers day and it’s only a 4 hr drive” and just like that I went. It was the perfect vacation, that would never have happened had I planned it.  Spontaneous adventures are always the best.  Planned ones leave too much room for life to happen.  Life throws diversions.  Some good and some bad but if you don’t just do it, you may never do it.

I’m glad I did it.  My kids asked to stay with my mom.  That has never happened.  I’ve only left my kids with my ex husband’s family.  This is a first.  My dad had them one night and my ex’s mom picked them up the next day.  It feels meant to be.  This is the first time I’ve gone away to work, longer than one night and left my children, that I deep down inside don’t feel guilty.  I know my ex’s family loves the boys but it’s different for me to leave them with my family.  I can’t explain it but it’s different.

I get a phone call from a family member today.  She doesn’t read my blog and doesn’t follow my Facebook anymore cause I’m too sexy for her taste.  I understand and appreciate her concern, but my point is, she won’t know I’m breaking confidentiality because she doesn’t read this.  The only way she’ll know is if one of the other members of the family who do read this tells her.  BTW when I say confidentiality, here’s what I mean.  My family says this thing on the phone.  They say:

“don’t tell anyone I told you”

 The thing about that is

they say it to everyone.

10 times in one day, “don’t tell anyone I told you”

then you get another call from someone else and guess what?

They are telling you the same story, but their version goes.

” I’m not suppose to tell you this, so don’t tell anyone I told you”

That’s my family for you.  No one can keep a secret. I wish I could treat the gossip like telemarketers and put them all on a “do not call” list.   My phone would only work when there’s no gossip involved.  That would be perfect.

Today some of the gossip was important and I’d like my family to not take it personally and not sell me out. The unnamed person called me today and said that my mother’s doctor pulled her aside and said that my mom’s not doing well and her COPD is bad.  If she doesn’t take it seriously she could die. I’m not ready to loose my mom.  She’s so stubborn she’s running herself into an early death trying to please and do for everyone around her.  There’s plenty of capable people that need to pull together right now to make sure she shouldn’t lift a finger for anyone else’s benefit.  Instead you all are killing her.  I don’t want my children’s being there be the last memory they have of her.  I want it to be the first of many future vacations. So please instead of attacking the person who told me for telling me, direct your energy towards making a positive change.

Ok, changing the mood because that made me look for my wine glass.

It really is kismet having the kids stay with my family right now.  If things went as planned, I’d have a full time sitter and only traveling events.  Life happened and it is still part of the plan.  A big part of the plan and I found the perfect sitter for my boys.  She’s been so patient with me lately and I’m so thankful.  Financially though, this delay is a blessing.  One plane ticket is a lot cheaper than 4 and friends couches saves tons on hotel costs. Life is seriously hooking me up at the moment.  My gratitude is on overdrive.

That last vacation at my mothers was healing and so is this time with Kristen.  I’m sitting in her comfortable room in her uniquely decorated house.  I have the closet light on so I can see my clothes that I’ve hung the way I like it in my particular way.  Hanging my clothes was part of my me time today.

I love my clothes

I have lived rent and mortgage free for almost a year now.  I don’t have a home, but I have multiple lives spread around the states in suitcases.

Just thinking about it, I really do.  At my sister’s house in Deerfield Beach I have about 6 plastic totes full of clothes and things I picked up when I was there.  I was planning on moving back to south Florida and I aborted that mission when the RV idea came back into play.  Again another path not taken. Things didn’t go as planned

I have a storage unit outside of Daytona Beach.  Full of things I bought before I decided to go mobile.  I even add to it.  I fill up a suitcase with shopping and traveling.  Then I dump it in storage and start over with a new suitcase.  I just really love my clothes.  I have that in common with Kristen too.  For 20 years her and I always have stayed on point with keeping our personal styles.

Here at Kristen’s house I have a closet full of clothes.  I brought a small winter wardrobe.  Took myself birthday shopping because when you don’t have a man, you don’t get to go shopping 😦  I did go shopping though.  I needed it, I wanted it and I did it.

I have the same at Chelsea’s house.  I have a whole life in a suitcase.  I have stuff at my mom’s and my ex husband’s moms house too.  Maybe that’s why I can be so comfortable not having a home of record.  I have multiple homes with many back up lives that I can start living at any moment.

I’m blessed beyond belief and can achieve my dreams with the best support system possible. I like the comfort of my back up lives, but I want to keep moving until I know where I want to be.

Nothing ever goes as planned but everywhere you do go, take nothing but memories and pictures. Leave the drama behind and enter with a smile.

I’m getting sleepy and this playlist has lost my attention. I’m off to my dream world and my dream world is a really fun place to be.

Sweet dreams

🙂

Faith, Manifestations and Foundation

We arrived at Kristen’s house in Buffalo, New York almost midnight after driving all day from Manhattan. Her last-minute, spontaneous vacation to the “Big Apple” was in fact a rescue mission!

I called her to come pick me and my boys up. She lives 6 hours from the city and I needed to leave where I was and she didn’t hesitate.

Because our friendship has stood the tests of time, we have come to a place where we are 100%, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part type of friends. We’ve  gone through so much together. We have fought, not talked for years, hated each other, loved each other, saved each other and learned life lessons for almost 20 years. The whole time, crying, laughing, hurting, growing, and building a lasting friendship on a solid foundation of trust.

She is a true friend!

 She came to get me the very next day, with no questions asked, we had some bumps along the way, it wasn’t a flawless rescue mission, but we made the best out of it

Not only did I have Kristen willing to help, I also had Chelsea!  The same day I called her, for the same reason…I wanted advice, yes that was my initial rescue….I needed advice and I wanted an honest answer from someone who knows me! From someone who loves me for me! Advice from someone who only wants the best for me.  Someone who will give it to me straight whether I like it or not. Both girls saw why I was upset, they had their own points as to why, but both girls also agreed that I was in a negative situation and the beginning of what could have been a toxic friendship. Both girls said I should leave and they said they’d do whatever to help. Not only these girls but I asked a few other people I trust for the same advice and got the same answer before I acted on my instinct.

I chose not to stay with a jealous, pretend friend with a manipulative personality who was a self admitting pathological liar!

I needed to talk to someone who would keep it real….so I called my people.

And they kept it real

Very real

All with the same conclusion

I needed to get away

Away from where I was.

They also agreed that I do need to find my balance. My friends had valid concerns that needed my immediate addressing. See the person I was staying with, was not who I thought she was.  She expressed concerns from who own projections, her the delivery was malicious. My friends were both willing to stop their lives in order to eradicate the problem. They are true friends. I love my friends and I will listen to my girls because they know who I am.

6 hours plus stops driving to  Buffalo from Manhattan, Kristen wanted to know after all of our talking, explaining, debating, and bonding…..she asked me sitting in her bed discussing what I want to do with my life,  after all the kids were put to bed, she wanted me to explain what I mean when I say, “I just know.”

It’s my answer to everything.

“I just know ” I say

I get defensive when someone challenges my ways of thinking

I just know that  I’m on my path!  I don’t want to explain because I just have faith!

Not faith like God will do it, and heaven and hell faith.

faith in myself.

faith that I can do whatever I set out to accomplish.

Faith that I don’t have to know what’s next.

I can only relate to people  on my level, and when I say on my level…I’m referring to the positive energy that I put out and intend to receive. This person I left behind in New York was not on my level.  She’s angry and she only cares about becoming rich and famous.  She said so herself and doesn’t care who she steps on the way up to the top. If someone is not on a positive, be a better version of yourself level, then I don’t want to allow them to bring me down. I can’t relate to negativity!

Negativity turns dark too quickly because I’ve found comfort in the darkness before.  I need to take myself to my happy place. I’m working on getting to the root of the negativity in order to continue living in my bliss.

it’s a never-ending cycle……but if you learn from the negativity…….you come out stronger, wiser and happier

Some people may have good intentions with the wrong delivery.  Let them offend you!  Take what you got mad at, take the point you want to defend and reflect. When someone pushes your buttons, remember your reaction is a projection. Talk yourself through the thought process, you’ll realize that you are defending your own actions and standing in your own way to success. You do still need to remove yourself from the negative person, but go away with a lesson.  Take what they said that hurt your feelings and let it make you a better person…not for them,for you!

I spent years watching “The Secret”. I’d watch once a month for mental reinforcements, studying positive thinking patterns, and how to live your life in a way that you are living  your own personal happiness. I also spent years learning “The Hustle”

All the sadness I’ve felt loving someone who didn’t love me

All the heart breaks I’ve had trusting people who take that trust and use it for personal gain.

All the hearts I’ve broken learning what I don’t want and won’t accept.

I’ve learned not to settle for crying yourself to sleep every single night because it’s comfortable.

Never again will I live not liking my life but accepting it for stability.

You have to take the good and the bad.

My marriage fell apart, but I found yoga. I learned from yoga and now it keeps me balanced. Heartbreak lead me to  spirituality and because I have my spirituality, I can keep myself grounded. Because I’m grounded, I’m not going to let a dark industry steal my luster. An industry that will chew you up and spit you out a hardened empty soul; an empty shell who is either afraid to love and uses sex to fill the void. Or worse, so thirsty for love that they allow the most disrespectful pieces of shit into their lives just to feel a false sense of love because they don’t love themselves. I will not be that girl.

Everything that’s happened was all part of a lesson I needed to learn. I was supposed to have the experiences I had to have in order for my growth. I need to experience what I don’t want in life in order to know what I do want.  I had to try new and different things. To know what doesn’t work for me, I had to take chances!

From the moment I had the realization and knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, every single thing I do, every single person I meet, every single experience I have has gotten me one step closer!

Kristen says I don’t want a man because the industry has hardened me,. She says I’m making money and I feel I don’t need a man. That’s not the case. I say no!  In fact it’s the opposite.

I’m happy.

I’m 100% confident! This confidence came from finding my purpose.

I want to help people!

Whether they are guys coming to a club just for companionship or whether they are girls who see that you can be a clean dancer. You can have self-respect and make money without selling your body. You can have your cake and eat it too and there’s nothing wrong with being a strong, openly sexual person.  And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who fits everything you would desire in a partner or not having one at all.

It’s called living to your full potential! I want to live to my full potential.

Only the guy who’s completely suitable for the life I want to live will do! Everyone else will only cause  me to stray from my path and lose my focus. If they feel right and turn out not to be right, they were there for a purpose….for my growth and I was there for their growth….. Accepting that is the difference between a bad breakup and a lasting friendship.

It’s not a confidence that comes from the industry motivating me. I’ve had that kind of confidence before.   When I was a young twenty something stripper who made a 1000 a night without  blinking an eye, I was confident. It’s not that confidence,  that confidence comes from ego. There’s this”I’m the shit and you owe me because I’m the shit” ego, that comes from the industry. My dear friend Kristen is afraid I’m getting that ego. It’s not the same as the confidence I have now. I can’t explain it, I just know.

 I’ve found my balance.  My spirituality keeps me humble.

Humility crushes ego.

I embrace my job because I love my work.  When you love what you do, you’re not working. I’m making easy money because I’ve intended the life I want to live. I’m living with faith and allowing the Universe to provide for me.

This kind of confidence is one I’ve never had before. This is all new and I never had it until the moment I knew what I wanted to do. The moment I found my faith.

I want to turn the darkness to light.

When you know what you want to do with your life it gives you a natural sense of confidence because you can see the outcome.  You already see it and you are already living it. Everyday your manifestations are manifesting.  You have to allow the receiving to happen. That’s the faith and if you want the science behind it, The power of intention is a real science.

like attracts like.

negative brings negative.

And good deeds bring more good things.

At this point in my life I need structure in order for all the pieces to come into place.  I’m at that pivotal point where I see my dreams and the steps I need to take are right in front of me.  I’m a Taurus, we are lazy by nature and love comfort. Right now I’m bitten by the travel bug and my comforts come from resorts and hotels. My life needs structure. I see two paths in front of me. One where I can fall into my comforts and plateau, another where I can regroup, call in reinforcements and find my balance. Only then when I hit the road, I hit it with a solid foundation.

I want to forever be a traveler. It is a passion!

I do eventually want roots one day and I’ll only know where that will be when I have arrived.

Tonight, I realized I’m already living both my wants. I have a strong community of an extended traveling family.

Community and Travel

I have a community in Buffalo with Kristen’s family. The boys will bond with her kids. They’ll make memories and form relationships that will grow as they grow. Then they’ll go to Newfoundland and Chelsea’s community will become part of their community. We also have communities in Florida like my lifelong friends and family in Orlando and my sister and her community in Deerfield.  I have my family in Michigan and  I have my yoga community. The Ashtanga Yoga community in itself is a never-ending opportunity to build a life long friendships

So my kids are already getting what I was afraid they are loosing, and all I have to do is implement it.

The people in my life are people who share the same drive for living a drama free positive life. I have a support system with the common goal of becoming a better person.

My children need structure…..I needed a reality check!

I got my feelings hurt and the suggestions were not suitable for my life. Only because my support system is as strong as it is, I was able to figure out exactly what I was lacking. I  finally know what I need to do in order to follow through with my plans successfully. I know what I have to do for the benefit of myself and for my children. Thanks to my friends, my foundation, and my sisterhood, thanks to  these amazing girls, I now know what I need to do.

My first Ashtanga teacher Krista taught me, “strength comes from consistency”

I need consistency where my weaknesses are and with that consistency I will build the strength to succeed. In doing so, I’m setting the appropriate patterns for my children’s benefit.

It’s hard to be a single parent.

In order to stay sane, you must have support.

When you love yourself and you choose not to settle, you learn who to trust. Your gut will guide you, it’s called intuition. When you surround yourself with positive people, you form a system of support unlike no other.

Kristen is helping me with structure, but I’m helping her find peace. We help each other.

So tonight she wanted to know after a very long discussion, “why am I explaining myself to her when I already know what I want to do?”

She said “just do it”

After leaving her room for the night my instant reaction was I got mad and wanted to defend my defensiveness. Then I  thought about it and I walked back down the hall, knocked on her door, peaked my head in and said. “You have to listen to me!!!”  “You’re part of this….this shit I come up with when we talk is the shit I need to write down.”  “I’m writing my book right now while talking to you, we just covered chapters in one conversation”   “This was supposed to happen”

We need each other

We both had life changing, self realizations in that conversation. Realizations that inspired us both to compromise. To help each other find a balance.  The balance will benefit our kids and their futures, yet at the same time, make our lives a little bit less effortless.

The most important thing I’ve learned is to not let negative people into your circle.  Don’t tell them your secrets.  Especially one’s who claim to be pathological liars.

And we get to build some memories along the way.

She laughed and said, “All right I’ll help you” lol “I want to help you!” “Now Goodnight!”

🙂

Candy, Do You Want Some Candy?

photo by Stephen Holvik

Lately I have had many people tell me that I have a unique way of writing human emotions and expressing things that is so hard for others to talk about.  I take that as a compliment and I believe I owe my openness to the fact that I used to be a shy, quiet little girl who always watched everyone else…and then one day shit got real and I couldn’t keep my observations to myself anymore.  

When I was with my ex he always got mad at the things I’d say….his comeback was always, “do you ever think before you speak?”  For a long time it made me feel like I could never do anything right.  I always felt like I wasn’t good enough because my opinions were shut down and ridiculed.   One day I woke up and realized, he is the one with the problem.  Not me. Speaking my mind is my right as a human…Freedom of speech as an American.  It’s only an opinion.  The only way an opinion can affect you is when you allow it to.  He was embarrased because he didn’t believe in me the way I believed in myself. Stripping embarrassed him, he loved a stripper and I couldn’t be that and have him.  So I changed, I shut up and I never mentioned my past once I recreated myself.  

When I first started blogging my family were my biggest supporters.  Everyone knew I started dancing again.  My grandmother, dad, mom, everyone.  I keep no secrets…(maybe a few but all women need some things to themselves ;)…but my lifestyle is an open book.  That’s my secret to happiness.  I’m ok with me. So only others who accept me for me, I allow into my life.

When my topics became more risque, the families support took the backburner.  They don’t say much.  Maybe they’re embarrased, I don’t know.  Maybe they feel like there’s so much more I could be doing with my life.  I’m here to tell you that “I got this!” Don’t worry about me.

What my family fails to realize is……I was born for this…lol and here’s why.

I come from a middle class family from central Florida.  Nothing special.  My dad has been a landscaper my whole life, my mother had various jobs.  Cleaning houses was one she had most of my childhood.  We weren’t dirt poor and we weren’t rich.  They divorced when I was three and I grew up with two homes, double Holidays and lots of love.  

Here’s what they don’t know…. I’m a blonde hair, hazel green eyed little girl who can’t get fat even if she ate shit for food and they named me Candy!  Yup my name is Candice but if you go through my childhood papers.  They say Candy.  I had the principals award every year…Candy Hayes…

What says future stripper more than blonde hair, green eyes, redneck daddy and a hard working mother????

the name Candy, duh…

You guys created me, so stop worrying about whether I can handle it.  

Growing up I would decorate my walls with my daddies snap on calendars and Hawaiian tropics models.  I had two favorites.  One was the image I wanted to look like when I grew up.  I posted her everywhere because I felt like she was the most beautiful thing and I wanted to be her.  The other was more exotic looking.  I’ve always been attracted to women from far away places.  Long dark hair, olive skin, light eyes, tiny waist and a big ass.

I’m not a victim in any way and my family made sure of that.  We had target practice with beer cans and pellet guns. My dad taught me nunchucks and a mean right hook.  My mom taught me how to change a tire and my oil.

As a child I was shy.  I was shy and quiet growing up.  The kids used to say, “Candy, do you want some Candy”  attempting to tease me because my name.  I always thought they were stupid and just kept my mouth shut.  I was never confrontational.  That would draw too much attention to myself and I never, ever wanted attention….but I did watch.  I watched everything and everyone. Quietly for years.

Even during my days of running the streets of Miami with my girls, pre-marriage, I was still quiet.  We’d go out in an entourage and I would post up somewhere.  Sporadically I’d here “are you ok?”  “ You don’t look like you’re having a good time”..I was though.  I enjoy watching.  I never cared to be the center of attention.  I like to observe.  By the time I left wherever we were hanging out, I could tell you who was going home with who….who has money to spend…who I could potentionally get money from.  What people don’t realize is, when I moved to Miami, I left Orlando as a quiet little girl and was transformed into a true Hustler.  I went through extensive life training.  The shit I know was imbedded into my being.  It was sink or swim.  When people use the term, “school of hard knocks”  it’s not a term to take lightly.  That means they’ve been through some shit.  My shit I’m saving for my book but I remember Alexis’ face one particular day when my two worlds temporarily collided.

It was like 20 something years ago.  I had came up from Miami to visit my best friend I grew up with.  My people were coming up from Miami so we all could go to Halloween Horror nights.  Alexis lived in Lake Mary at the time so she took me to a gas station near I4 where we were to meet my ride. See, my friends, my people, my FAMILY is what we still call each other were a bunch of bad ass bitches.  We ran shit in our days.  A heard of titties, asses, flat stomachs, tans, long hair and money for days.  Limits were something we didn’t believe in and reality was what we made it to be.

All of a sudden, and I can still remember her face, Alexis was in shock.  Pulling into the gas station was my fam… there were the 3 Cadillac Escalades, one shiny black, one pearl white and the New EXT that was just released that year.  A white jaguar S type, silver corvette, red and black prowler, 2 BMW 745’s and the blue Ferrari….she said it was like a music video..to me it was my life.  My people were picking me up so we could terrorize Universal and then drive back home.  I had work the next day.

Even then, even in the limelight I was quiet and I just observed.  I soaked every lesson life had and has to offer and logged it into my memory.  When I need a reference, it’s like going into my card catalog of past experiences. I use the tools in front of me everyday.  Lessons learned, life experiences, mistakes, bad choices…they are all here so you can perservere

Perspective…I’m aware that people see things differently so I never get hung up on anyones opinions.  They don’t effect me.

Intuition…always trust your gut.  If you do what feels right you will always be ok.  Even if what feels right hurts because another person may not feel the same…Let it go..it wasn’t right…negativity has a very specific feeling…it’s not good….don’t allow it to have any bearing over you.

Silence…silence is the answer to everything.  shut up and listen….if you do that one thing, you’ll never stop learning.  The answer to any question you can ever ask is right inside you.  Sit in silence and listen to your thoughts.

I know my family reads my stuff. They’re silently supporting me.  Every so often someone will mention something I said and I’ll elaborate.  Just think, maybe if you named me Amber or Amanda or something, I’d be what, working a 9 to 5?….no thank you.  I’m glad you named me Candy, I’ll embrace it.   but the next time someone comes to me with “Candy, do you want some Candy”…he’ll be lucky if I send him home with enough money to buy gas.

🙂