Parenting is hard

Good morning.  I’m enjoying my morning coffee while I wait out the scattered showers delaying our intended beach day.

I messaged my friend Gary when I woke up.  We have a full day of paddle boarding and snorkeling planned.  He says he’s at CVS and he’s going to “kick some ass for Aj”

Here’s how that all came about.

Saturday was Andrew’s 9th birthday.  Months ago we concluded he wanted to go to Universal Studios for his birthday.  Well we’re in the keys and that will have to wait. So I promised him as soon as we get to Orlando, we’ll go to Universal.  He was happy with that answer and all was good.

Last week I told him I’ll give him $100.00 to spend on whatever on his birthday. That made him super happy and full of anticipation.  All week he waited patiently and plotted together with his brother how they wanted to spend the $100.00

We park downtown Saturday evening, attempt to get into Better Than Sex..a dessert restaurant that is amazing but only has a small number of tables. It has grown in popularity over the year and we have tried three times in a row and failed.

We get on the wait list and I ask him what he wants to do first.

He says CVS! With so much enthusiasm I almost feel bad for my sarcastic remark.

He wanted to load a Google Play Card with $50.00 to buy phone apps. One Minecraft thing that’s 30 something…I roll my eyes and oblige.

There’s a small line.  The register is not open but there are self pay machines.  The female employee is monitoring the machines or I guess she’s supposed to be making sure everyone checks out correctly.

Andrew had 2 options for his birthday money.  I had a crispy brand new hundo in one hand and a rubber band stack of a hundred singles in the other.  I asked him how he wanted to spend his birthday money.  He chose the singles hoping to find an arcade at some point.

I did not want to be the mom with the child feeding 50 singles into the machine so I forfeited 2 of my own twenty dollar bills. Then fed 9 singles into the robot cashier. Only 9 because it wouldn’t take the last one.  Nor would it take any other one.  It froze.  I asked the cashier to help me.  She already helped us once when Aj needed her to put her code in for the card.  So she comes back and says “you again”.  I interrupted her pretend job to have her do something tangible but she can’t manage that.  For some reason the machine is frozen.  She saw me put the money in.  I handed her the last dollar of the transaction and said, “here you do it, are we good?”  She shook her head yes and I walked out the door with the card.

We went about with the birthday celebrations and CVS was a distant memory…..until Andrew wanted to load his card onto his play store.

We keep getting an error…hmmmm……wait a minute…I bet the card isn’t activated

So I call CVS and explain what happened.  The guy on the phone says that he will leave a note with my number and have the manager count the money.  They’ll give me a call tomorrow.

Ok, I’m content.  Andrew is a little frustrated but managing.

Sunday, I call again…explain in detail, again….I get the run around…they have to look at the cameras because the sale isn’t in the computers.

Call back tomorrow

Monday we decide to go down there.  After our full day of skating and finally getting into Better Than Sex.  We were famished and I knew dessert wasn’t the best option but they’ve wanted so bad to come in here so we did

Bellies full and smiles on, we walk across the street and attempt to once and for all resolve this gift card situation.

We go into the store and get, “hold on let me get the manager”

20 minutes later,  after explaining the story twice, the same girl who was assisting us on day one says…..”the manager just left, you have to come back tomorrow between 8 and 4″

I look at AJ who now has tears welling up in his eyes. His throat was tight and I could tell if I said anything to him he would cry.

 He’s waited all month for Universal only to have to wait another week.  Then gets excited and anticipates getting his apps, makes the purchase only to have to wait a few more days.  Then is being told sorry, not today, come back tomorrow.

This is where parenting is HARD!

I want to reach into my stash and just load the damn thing myself.

I can’t do that because that’s not the way real life works.

I have to train him to be the kind of adult I want him or at least expect him to be.

Not the selfish entitled brats I’m afraid are our next generation.

I want him to be able to not be discouraged when things don’t go as planned.  Learn how to take an unpleasant situation and make the best of it.

Technology errors affect my money all the time.  Refunds that don’t process in time.  Unexpected fees.  Double charges.  It’s life.  There’s no one to go in their pocket and cover my mistakes for me.

It breaks my heart to see his tears but it’s a lesson I can’t take away from him.

I also need to make sure the situation is handled properly.  Although I want my children to be humble enough to not be arrogant and act entitled, It’s imperative that they know not to take shit from anyone.

Gary messages me back.  He says that they still have not watched the cameras and he’s not leaving until they do so.

Of course they haven’t watched the cameras.  Why would they do their job?

That’s my rant.  I’ve figured it out.  People just don’t want to work.  They want to have jobs because they need money.  They don’t do their requirements.  People are so lazy and expect technology to do everything for them.  I’m disgusted by humanity.

This mornings meditation I pulled a card.  I got number 11 in my Angel deck the Strength card.   The meaning of the card is to release harsh judgments. Find forgiveness and compassion.

I’ll work on it

I can’t change the work ethic of the rest of the world, but I can make sure my kids rise above the masses.  It shouldn’t be too hard from what I’m seeing.

This morning Gary went to CVS for me.   For those of you who have not been to the keys.  There’s one road.  Key West gets like hundreds of tourist a week but there is only one road in and out.  Everyone uses the same road.

Finally the card is loaded and the delay is over.  Gary kicked some ass!

I can be more compassionate.  I’ll also admit my own mistake.  If I wasn’t so quick to loose my patience in the beginning, I would have never walked out without finalizing the sale.

My walking out was a bad example.  Not a compassionate one either.

Parenting is hard.

I guess the best way to tackle any parenting situation is to ask yourself

“What kind of an adult do you want your kids to be?”

Think about the quote, “be the change you want to see”.  It starts at home.  People, be the person you want your kids to be.

Dreams Don’t Work If You Don’t

Here I am in Key West again.  I wasn’t supposed to come back to the keys until October according to my calendar.  It’s off season and the money isn’t here.  My soul brought me here, not the money.  Every time something seems missing, I make my way down  for recovery.

I had the perfect opportunity to double my savings last month.  My children stayed in Michigan with my mother and I plotted my perfect work trip.  Starting with Myrtle Beach Bike week and ending in Savannah, Georgia.  Instead, I chased false leads, reacquainted with old friends and made new friendships.  I drove up and down the coast of the Carolinas. Visiting loved ones and meeting new tribe members.  I didn’t get much work done, I did get tons of writing done.  I completely wrote Therapist in a Thong.  Then I read it and realized, it’s not what I envisioned.  I’m not sending  the message I originally set out to send.  There are too many tangents.  I’m not focused and that got me discouraged.  I slipped into a funk and I didn’t go to work as planned.

 I did other things I love to do instead.

One was driving.

I just drove, music up windows down.

 I stopped to shop.  Tried new restaurants.  Did yoga and every day I talked to Chelsea.  We both went through a tough month.  The light is brightening because neither of us have given up.  In fact I had to hit rock bottom again in order to put all my puzzle pieces together.

The past two days were the first time I went to work consecutively since Talladaga. It was slow.  I busted my ass to make what I did.  I need that though.

 I learned the tricks to the trade.  I’ve figured out how to make the most of this industry and because of that, it made me lazy.  My book funk put me in a spending frenzy.  I managed to blow through $10,000. in a few weeks.  On my behalf, most of it went to flights, rental cars and hotels.

It happened anyways.  I spent my last couple hundred booking flights to Florida and I stashed aside the fee for the new Monroe County dancer’s permit.

Funny thing, my Florida drivers license was suspended.  This whole time because I didn’t have car insurance.  I cleared it up and paid an unexpected fine.  They just had to search the system and prove I surrendered my plate.  Not having a car anymore and turning the plate in isn’t sufficient enough.  What makes me laugh is, I rented a car for a month.  From different locations.  All with a suspended DL.

😀 This is hilarious to me because you can’t rent a car without a credit card, but apparently whether you can legally drive is irrelevant. 😀

Just being back here with the crystal clear salt water.  The humidity forcing detoxification.  Even the constant smell of citronella warding off the mosquitoes.  My soul is reviving and the inspiration began to flood my thoughts.  The chicken scratch in my notebook is barely legible.  I’ve restructured my book and all my distracted thoughts formed another one.

 Chelsea and I finally know where our company is going. We’ve designed at least 6 business plans, and let 3 domains expire over the year. For a long time we’ve wanted a restaurant.  It’s no secret her food is amazing.  We have references for days from all who we’ve cooked for.  Instead we decided to combine our dreams, our passion and our lifestyle.

The happiest time of my life was the last year I spent with Chelsea and my kids.  Anyone who has witnessed the two of us in person together will say the same thing.  It’s like her and I have known each other our entire lives.

I want to continue that happiness.  I want to take trips with the woman who makes me smile. I want to cook food by the beach listening to reggae music.

I want to turn her restaurant into a seasonal food truck that serves St. Johns Newfoundland in the summers and Key West in the winters.  Unless Hawaii is my true hearts desire.  We both think I can’t make the final decision until I go there and see for myself. So I’m going.  After Andrew’s birthday.  My next step is Hawaii recon.

Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about Chelsea.  Not a day has passed that we haven’t spoken.

90 % of my marriage my husband was away.  I never felt like I do in Chelsea’s absence the entire time. I’d miss him. Not like I miss her.  I can’t function when we don’t talk.  She gets me and understands me in a way that nobody else can.

I arrived in Key West the weekend of the LGBT Pride festival.  This same weekend 49 people were killed in my hometown of Orlando, Florida because of a hate crime.

People killing over hate and I just want to see the person who makes me happy.

She’s a Canadian.  I’m an American

We need to stop talking about getting married and just do it.  Isn’t the American dream to spend the rest of your life with your best friend.  I’ve already found that person.  So what if she happens to be a girl! My life won’t change and neither will hers.  It will just improve. I don’t personally believe in marriage anymore and what it stands for.  What I do believe in is equal rights to happiness.

Now I’ve set my intentions.  I have to live my life like my dreams are already in the works.  Don’t worry about the how and focus on the now.  My first step is to go to work tonight.  Dreams don’t work if you don’t.

I may be at rock bottom financially, but I’m debt free.  I paid my 600 phone bill yesterday with cash.  Cash I made the day before.  How many people can say that? I’m debt free living in paradise.  Oh and I don’t have to fuck anyone to accomplish that.  I just made real friends because I’m a real person.

It’s just one of the little reminders I keep in the back of my mind when I meet someone new.  Upon introduction.  After the handshake when they ask me what I do?  It’s always the same facial response.  The great first impression was immediately replaced by their judgement.

I’ll change that one day.  I always do.

Candy, Do You Want Some Candy?

photo by Stephen Holvik

Lately I have had many people tell me that I have a unique way of writing human emotions and expressing things that is so hard for others to talk about.  I take that as a compliment and I believe I owe my openness to the fact that I used to be a shy, quiet little girl who always watched everyone else…and then one day shit got real and I couldn’t keep my observations to myself anymore.  

When I was with my ex he always got mad at the things I’d say….his comeback was always, “do you ever think before you speak?”  For a long time it made me feel like I could never do anything right.  I always felt like I wasn’t good enough because my opinions were shut down and ridiculed.   One day I woke up and realized, he is the one with the problem.  Not me. Speaking my mind is my right as a human…Freedom of speech as an American.  It’s only an opinion.  The only way an opinion can affect you is when you allow it to.  He was embarrased because he didn’t believe in me the way I believed in myself. Stripping embarrassed him, he loved a stripper and I couldn’t be that and have him.  So I changed, I shut up and I never mentioned my past once I recreated myself.  

When I first started blogging my family were my biggest supporters.  Everyone knew I started dancing again.  My grandmother, dad, mom, everyone.  I keep no secrets…(maybe a few but all women need some things to themselves ;)…but my lifestyle is an open book.  That’s my secret to happiness.  I’m ok with me. So only others who accept me for me, I allow into my life.

When my topics became more risque, the families support took the backburner.  They don’t say much.  Maybe they’re embarrased, I don’t know.  Maybe they feel like there’s so much more I could be doing with my life.  I’m here to tell you that “I got this!” Don’t worry about me.

What my family fails to realize is……I was born for this…lol and here’s why.

I come from a middle class family from central Florida.  Nothing special.  My dad has been a landscaper my whole life, my mother had various jobs.  Cleaning houses was one she had most of my childhood.  We weren’t dirt poor and we weren’t rich.  They divorced when I was three and I grew up with two homes, double Holidays and lots of love.  

Here’s what they don’t know…. I’m a blonde hair, hazel green eyed little girl who can’t get fat even if she ate shit for food and they named me Candy!  Yup my name is Candice but if you go through my childhood papers.  They say Candy.  I had the principals award every year…Candy Hayes…

What says future stripper more than blonde hair, green eyes, redneck daddy and a hard working mother????

the name Candy, duh…

You guys created me, so stop worrying about whether I can handle it.  

Growing up I would decorate my walls with my daddies snap on calendars and Hawaiian tropics models.  I had two favorites.  One was the image I wanted to look like when I grew up.  I posted her everywhere because I felt like she was the most beautiful thing and I wanted to be her.  The other was more exotic looking.  I’ve always been attracted to women from far away places.  Long dark hair, olive skin, light eyes, tiny waist and a big ass.

I’m not a victim in any way and my family made sure of that.  We had target practice with beer cans and pellet guns. My dad taught me nunchucks and a mean right hook.  My mom taught me how to change a tire and my oil.

As a child I was shy.  I was shy and quiet growing up.  The kids used to say, “Candy, do you want some Candy”  attempting to tease me because my name.  I always thought they were stupid and just kept my mouth shut.  I was never confrontational.  That would draw too much attention to myself and I never, ever wanted attention….but I did watch.  I watched everything and everyone. Quietly for years.

Even during my days of running the streets of Miami with my girls, pre-marriage, I was still quiet.  We’d go out in an entourage and I would post up somewhere.  Sporadically I’d here “are you ok?”  “ You don’t look like you’re having a good time”..I was though.  I enjoy watching.  I never cared to be the center of attention.  I like to observe.  By the time I left wherever we were hanging out, I could tell you who was going home with who….who has money to spend…who I could potentionally get money from.  What people don’t realize is, when I moved to Miami, I left Orlando as a quiet little girl and was transformed into a true Hustler.  I went through extensive life training.  The shit I know was imbedded into my being.  It was sink or swim.  When people use the term, “school of hard knocks”  it’s not a term to take lightly.  That means they’ve been through some shit.  My shit I’m saving for my book but I remember Alexis’ face one particular day when my two worlds temporarily collided.

It was like 20 something years ago.  I had came up from Miami to visit my best friend I grew up with.  My people were coming up from Miami so we all could go to Halloween Horror nights.  Alexis lived in Lake Mary at the time so she took me to a gas station near I4 where we were to meet my ride. See, my friends, my people, my FAMILY is what we still call each other were a bunch of bad ass bitches.  We ran shit in our days.  A heard of titties, asses, flat stomachs, tans, long hair and money for days.  Limits were something we didn’t believe in and reality was what we made it to be.

All of a sudden, and I can still remember her face, Alexis was in shock.  Pulling into the gas station was my fam… there were the 3 Cadillac Escalades, one shiny black, one pearl white and the New EXT that was just released that year.  A white jaguar S type, silver corvette, red and black prowler, 2 BMW 745’s and the blue Ferrari….she said it was like a music video..to me it was my life.  My people were picking me up so we could terrorize Universal and then drive back home.  I had work the next day.

Even then, even in the limelight I was quiet and I just observed.  I soaked every lesson life had and has to offer and logged it into my memory.  When I need a reference, it’s like going into my card catalog of past experiences. I use the tools in front of me everyday.  Lessons learned, life experiences, mistakes, bad choices…they are all here so you can perservere

Perspective…I’m aware that people see things differently so I never get hung up on anyones opinions.  They don’t effect me.

Intuition…always trust your gut.  If you do what feels right you will always be ok.  Even if what feels right hurts because another person may not feel the same…Let it go..it wasn’t right…negativity has a very specific feeling…it’s not good….don’t allow it to have any bearing over you.

Silence…silence is the answer to everything.  shut up and listen….if you do that one thing, you’ll never stop learning.  The answer to any question you can ever ask is right inside you.  Sit in silence and listen to your thoughts.

I know my family reads my stuff. They’re silently supporting me.  Every so often someone will mention something I said and I’ll elaborate.  Just think, maybe if you named me Amber or Amanda or something, I’d be what, working a 9 to 5?….no thank you.  I’m glad you named me Candy, I’ll embrace it.   but the next time someone comes to me with “Candy, do you want some Candy”…he’ll be lucky if I send him home with enough money to buy gas.

🙂

Heart Opening

Yesterday, I met with my best friend intending to do our practice together.  I made a personal goal to get my daily practice back to something that I did routinely. No matter where I am or what’s going on in life.  Ashtanga makes me feel good and I am not good unless I feel good.

On the way, she’s telling me about the yoga wheel.  She says on days when she can’t get to a full practice, she rolls around on the yoga wheel and it has opened her heart and throat chakras.  Now I believe in Ashtanga, but I don’t believe in props

I don’t do yoga blocks and straps

Taking it back a little.  I’ve had a dry cough with this heavy chest congestion.  It’s felt like a ton a bricks is laying on top of my lungs.  Sporadic body aches has been associated with the cough.  For the past two weeks myself, my children, and my sister’s family have suffered this nuisance.  I haven’t gone to work since the Saliva concert 2 weeks ago at Vixens.

Not feeling 100% yet, I decided I need to stop talking and start doing.

I needed to get back to my mat.

We get to the studio, she teaches there and we have a self practice.  No need for classes and all that jazz.  Unlock the door, go inside and head up the stairs.

The studio is 2 stories.  Downstairs has a boutique when you enter.  The bathroom and one yoga space.  Then you can go upstairs and there’s another yoga space.  That way two separate classes can go on at one time.

She pulls out the alleged “Yoga Wheel” and tells me to try it out.

I give it a shot.  I’m always hanging upside down.  Using the couch, bed and whatever else I can find to give my spine a good stretch.

This wheel, this thing feels AMAZING!

Not like anything I’ve felt before….

My chest is opening up

I roll the wheel up and down my spine, shifting my weight from side to side, raising my arms over my head and then back down by sides again.

Something happened….

An “opening” is what they call it in Ashtanga

I felt a wave of heat flush through my body.  All of a sudden I felt like I was underwater.  My ears were ringing, I’m incredibly nauseous.

I get off the wheel and lay in child’s pose.  Alexis has already started her practices.  She’s somewhere in surya namaskara A.  She asks me if I’m ok.  I tell her, I’m a little dizzy, my head is pounding  and I need to do a few breaths.

I must have been there longer than normal because again she’s like, “are you ok?”

“I just feel super dizzy and the room is spinning.”

There were more equations to my induced state.  I also am drinking at least 3 cups of coffee a day and it’s 1:30 and I haven’t had coffee today…bad girl, I know better than that.

Thinking laying down will help, I tell her, “you may be on your own with the yoga” and I roll into Shavasana….laying flat on my back, arms out to the side, palms facing up, I close my eyes and breathe…….slow deep inhales and exhales through the nose.

I feel so fucking dizzy, It’s equivalent to that drunk feeling when you’ve had too much to drink and everything you ate or didn’t eat is about to come up and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I manage to gain my composure enough to stumble to my feet.  I need to get myself to the bathroom asap! There is only one solution at this point and the toilet is calling my name.

“Step by step, focus on your breath, you’re almost there, hold it in.” I coach myself down the seemingly never-ending staircase.

I walk in the bathroom and open the door…damn it…..I can’t throw up in here….it’s too cute.  So zen and peaceful.

My body doesn’t give a shit, it’s coming out.

As soon as I lift the lid, I take one inhale and vomit.  I know this isn’t sexy, but it’s life.

It’s not your usual vomit, in fact, it’s not from my stomach at all.  Except the two almonds I saw.  It’s mucous.  Straight mucous from my lungs.

The yoga wheel broke up my chest congestion so much that I experienced a rapid release of toxins.  So much so that my body couldn’t handle it.  It was a sensory overload of nastiness that needed to escape.

A bodily purge.

Just like that, I felt better.  I still had a headache, but dulled.  The only thing getting rid of that bad boy is a nice big cup of coffee..

Rejoining my bestie upstairs, she looks concerned. As soon as she see’s me, she knows I’m better.  It’s too late for a practice for me, so I do some sun salutations then play with my camera. It’s 2016, all yogis need yoga photos..lol…so I take some of her practice.

Sadly it’s a social media requirement in this day and age

Afterwards, we address the caffeine situation at hand.  There’s this place by her house that makes the most amazing vegan dishes. I haven’t been there yet, but it’s all the rage with my Orlando yoga community. It’s called The Sanctum….their logo is real, damn good food!

…so cute and so good and so true….

The waitress handles my flirtations like a pro and she brings me 16 0z latte with hemp milk and agave….. it’s bomb! As Chelsea would say to something that is so good beyond words.

Then I order the Southern Comfort

Quinoa, (you can get brown rice) beans, tempeh, rosemary roasted potatoes, brussel sprouts, roma tomatoes and butternut squash finished with daily greens, sunflower sprouts, lentil-miso gravy and curried peanut dressing

Now for you people who don’t know that eating good taste so good.. I suggest you get out of your comfort zone and try this place.  It’s in Orlando.  Google it …My taste buds are dancing to all the spices and flavors in this little white bowl of yumminess

My body is feeling fabulous! I got my caffeine kick, headache is gone. Tummy is full and my soul is nourished because I spent an afternoon with my best friend…

$$Now it’s time to make that money$$

The Rolex Race is in Daytona and there’s expected money to be made.

I’m so thankful for that yoga wheel. Trying to go to work with that congestion heavy as it was on my lungs would have been brutal

The yoga wheel is a must.  I’m online this morning pricing them.  It’s not just for yogis, anyone can benefit from this wheel.  Start your day with a morning full body stretch.  The benefits are endless.  

My congestion is not gone, it’s better.  I’m coughing up mucous that before yesterday was stuck deep down in my lungs.  Now, thanks to the wheel, it’s broken up and coming out.

I’ll leave you all with that as I  head into the kitchen to make my second cup of coffee this morning.  Skipping my coffee was a mistake and I don’t make the same mistake twice

🙂