Dreams Don’t Work If You Don’t

Here I am in Key West again.  I wasn’t supposed to come back to the keys until October according to my calendar.  It’s off season and the money isn’t here.  My soul brought me here, not the money.  Every time something seems missing, I make my way down  for recovery.

I had the perfect opportunity to double my savings last month.  My children stayed in Michigan with my mother and I plotted my perfect work trip.  Starting with Myrtle Beach Bike week and ending in Savannah, Georgia.  Instead, I chased false leads, reacquainted with old friends and made new friendships.  I drove up and down the coast of the Carolinas. Visiting loved ones and meeting new tribe members.  I didn’t get much work done, I did get tons of writing done.  I completely wrote Therapist in a Thong.  Then I read it and realized, it’s not what I envisioned.  I’m not sending  the message I originally set out to send.  There are too many tangents.  I’m not focused and that got me discouraged.  I slipped into a funk and I didn’t go to work as planned.

 I did other things I love to do instead.

One was driving.

I just drove, music up windows down.

 I stopped to shop.  Tried new restaurants.  Did yoga and every day I talked to Chelsea.  We both went through a tough month.  The light is brightening because neither of us have given up.  In fact I had to hit rock bottom again in order to put all my puzzle pieces together.

The past two days were the first time I went to work consecutively since Talladaga. It was slow.  I busted my ass to make what I did.  I need that though.

 I learned the tricks to the trade.  I’ve figured out how to make the most of this industry and because of that, it made me lazy.  My book funk put me in a spending frenzy.  I managed to blow through $10,000. in a few weeks.  On my behalf, most of it went to flights, rental cars and hotels.

It happened anyways.  I spent my last couple hundred booking flights to Florida and I stashed aside the fee for the new Monroe County dancer’s permit.

Funny thing, my Florida drivers license was suspended.  This whole time because I didn’t have car insurance.  I cleared it up and paid an unexpected fine.  They just had to search the system and prove I surrendered my plate.  Not having a car anymore and turning the plate in isn’t sufficient enough.  What makes me laugh is, I rented a car for a month.  From different locations.  All with a suspended DL.

😀 This is hilarious to me because you can’t rent a car without a credit card, but apparently whether you can legally drive is irrelevant. 😀

Just being back here with the crystal clear salt water.  The humidity forcing detoxification.  Even the constant smell of citronella warding off the mosquitoes.  My soul is reviving and the inspiration began to flood my thoughts.  The chicken scratch in my notebook is barely legible.  I’ve restructured my book and all my distracted thoughts formed another one.

 Chelsea and I finally know where our company is going. We’ve designed at least 6 business plans, and let 3 domains expire over the year. For a long time we’ve wanted a restaurant.  It’s no secret her food is amazing.  We have references for days from all who we’ve cooked for.  Instead we decided to combine our dreams, our passion and our lifestyle.

The happiest time of my life was the last year I spent with Chelsea and my kids.  Anyone who has witnessed the two of us in person together will say the same thing.  It’s like her and I have known each other our entire lives.

I want to continue that happiness.  I want to take trips with the woman who makes me smile. I want to cook food by the beach listening to reggae music.

I want to turn her restaurant into a seasonal food truck that serves St. Johns Newfoundland in the summers and Key West in the winters.  Unless Hawaii is my true hearts desire.  We both think I can’t make the final decision until I go there and see for myself. So I’m going.  After Andrew’s birthday.  My next step is Hawaii recon.

Not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about Chelsea.  Not a day has passed that we haven’t spoken.

90 % of my marriage my husband was away.  I never felt like I do in Chelsea’s absence the entire time. I’d miss him. Not like I miss her.  I can’t function when we don’t talk.  She gets me and understands me in a way that nobody else can.

I arrived in Key West the weekend of the LGBT Pride festival.  This same weekend 49 people were killed in my hometown of Orlando, Florida because of a hate crime.

People killing over hate and I just want to see the person who makes me happy.

She’s a Canadian.  I’m an American

We need to stop talking about getting married and just do it.  Isn’t the American dream to spend the rest of your life with your best friend.  I’ve already found that person.  So what if she happens to be a girl! My life won’t change and neither will hers.  It will just improve. I don’t personally believe in marriage anymore and what it stands for.  What I do believe in is equal rights to happiness.

Now I’ve set my intentions.  I have to live my life like my dreams are already in the works.  Don’t worry about the how and focus on the now.  My first step is to go to work tonight.  Dreams don’t work if you don’t.

I may be at rock bottom financially, but I’m debt free.  I paid my 600 phone bill yesterday with cash.  Cash I made the day before.  How many people can say that? I’m debt free living in paradise.  Oh and I don’t have to fuck anyone to accomplish that.  I just made real friends because I’m a real person.

It’s just one of the little reminders I keep in the back of my mind when I meet someone new.  Upon introduction.  After the handshake when they ask me what I do?  It’s always the same facial response.  The great first impression was immediately replaced by their judgement.

I’ll change that one day.  I always do.