I’m on my way to New York in the morning, I really needed a change of atmosphere and I’m throwing myself out of my comfort zone. Two things that I’m allergic to, Gown clubs and snow. Both I’m confronting tomorrow…..In Manhattan
The club I’m working at is having a Mardis Gras party Tuesday night. The winner gets $1000 for the best costume. You know I went shopping 😉 there’s also a grand for the girl who gets the most beads. New York peeps, come show some luv! I’ll be at Sapphire
I have the perfect outfit. The only thing lacking is my purple mask I purchased in Key West with Chelsea for a costume…I drove to storage and it’s not there. I had a box of photo shoot things I left with Stephen. He agrees to meet me, my mask isn’t in the box, but two red Mardi Gras feather masks are. With the right accessories, I can make this work. He also had my travel Manduka mat, so that was a bonus. I get to practice with Eddie Stern again, Yay!
It was nice seeing Stephen. When I last saw him, I broke his heart. We spent alot of time together, constantly working on a photo shoot or an idea. My creative juices were flowing and I was fuel for his photographic fire. I was his muse. When we met, we were both already on a spiritual journey. We were on two separate journeys and our paths collided. He couldn’t understand how I could love him but not be in the “I want you as my boyfriend” way.
We agreed not to shoot together anymore because it became toxic. I couldn’t explain what I felt and I could see the pain in his eyes. I didn’t want to say goodbye to someone I cared about so much, but I couldn’t offer him what he wanted or expected from me.
See, I believe people come into your life for a reason. You’re meant to fall in love multiple times. Monogamy is only a choice. An arrangement based on mutual chemistry between two partners. You choose to respect the arrangement, as does your partner. Every love that comes into your life is there for your spiritual growth. You can love two people at one time. Living in monogamy and feeling non monogamous desires, is toxic. If you are feeling these desires, you’re causing negative emotions to lock away. You can only live in absolute happiness by listening to your soul and feeding your desires.
When I saw Stephen today, he looked better. We talked about growth, and it was good to see him happily smiling again. We put eachother through an emotional whiplash in only a few months.
Here’s what usually happens in a relationship. Things are said or done, and someone gets hurt. Instead of addressing it, you hold it in. Those feelings of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness…..all those bad feelings get locked away and they become a ticking time bomb. One day you can’t hold it in anymore and you explode.
You need to release those emotions when you feel them. If someone is hurting you, Tell them…..If you think someone is lying, ask them…….if you need to cry, cry,…..if you need to scream, scream……let it out
Imagine a fist fight from two complete strangers. Something sets one off and the altercation begins. Both parties are using the anger to release their frustrations….that’s why you feel good after a fight. Not because you inflicted pain on someone, because you experienced a release. If people would deal with their shit instead of waiting until an explosion, there would be more good times had and less bad days.
My process of self exploration has been quite emotional. If you are one of my close friends, you can laugh now because you have experienced at least one of my seemingly bipolar emotional text messages.
I feel like if I need to say something, whether I’m justified or not, I’m going to say it. If I’m right, it needed to be said…If I’m wrong, well I would never know the truth if I didn’t inquire.
I look at it like this… If someone is offended by something I say to them, then we have different perspectives. That’s okay, but if we don’t vibe, then it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known you, it’s time to move on. People do outgrow each other. I don’t want a relationship that isn’t nourishing my soul….and that’s any relationship. Lover, friend, family member, any kind.
Recently one of my friends called me and asked if I’m pulling away from him. He says he values my friendship and it would hurt him if I stopped talking to him. At the time I said I was fine. I thought I was fine, but I did pull away. I realized that today when I was talking to Stephen about how we learn from the experiences, even the painful ones are needed. I pulled away from him over a phone conversation. He is a club owner, I have a few friends that own clubs. We were discussing having a woman in management and I said, “you should let me run a club” he laughed with a, “ha ha, you can fill out an application”. My bitchy response was “I’m not filling out an application, you either want me or you don’t!” That was the end of the conversation, but it wasn’t the end for me…
What did I do? I locked it away. I didn’t address it, I didn’t say anything. I just pulled away. What upset me was the realization that his vision of me is not the vision that I have for myself. He see’s me as just a dancer. Nothing more. Maybe dating material, maybe even wifey material…but he doesn’t see my real abilities. I locked these feelings away and they marinated. I’m glad I had this talk with Stephen today. I’m glad I saw what I needed to see. Shoot I realized, I don’t even want to run a club. There’s no growth there. I would just trap myself in a life that is not my soul purpose. I’m CEO material and what I decide to run will be my hearts desire. I needed to pull away from him to see the lesson I eventually learned.
What I learned from Stephen is that he needed to feel the pain I was going to put him through. That my hurting him, was a way to discover some toxic relationship patterns that he had buried deep down inside of him. As did I. I took things out on him that I had held inside from past experiences. I couldn’t fix these things because I was unaware of them in my present state. I had to go through the emotions, to understand where they were coming from. Then I had to feel the pain before I could start to repair the damage. He had to get hurt, and he had to love me even though his heart got broken in order to realize what he has that’s caused his new state of happiness.
In the process of self improvement. You have to deconstruct before you can reconstruct
You have to feel the pain, shed the tears. Break through all the bad stuff so you can start growing with a solid foundation from scratch.
This last year, I’ve learned alot about myself. I’ve learned that I’m Polyamorous and Chelsea is my life partner. It’s not what people think, we’ve never even had sex. Her and I are going to build an empire together. She loves me for who I am and wants only success and happiness for me and my children. I want success and happiness for her for life. We don’t care about being rich, we just have a common goal to live the happiest lives we can possibly live with the comfort to do what we please, when we please. She’s an amazing nutritional chef and her food is bomb. She’s working on her career and writing soothes my soul, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m writing. She’s cooking, but together, we have each others backs.
She will have love affairs and I will have love affairs. One day she will meet “The One”. When she does, she will want my approval because she knows that I can look right in his soul and see his intentions. If he, or she in Chelsea’s case, is the one for her, I’ll know. Their happiness will make me happy. Just as one day, I will find my one. When that person comes along, he will know Chelsea’s place in my life. She is my life partner. When he comes, he won’t be threatened by her because he will understand our love and only want to be a part of it. She will look right at him and know that he is perfect for me. Neither of us are against happily ever after, we just want a perfect love that seems not to exist. If it does, that’s amazing….I can’t wait, shit bring it on, I’d love some adventure. But if it doesn’t, that’s ok too! I have an endless, unselfish love with Chelsea and I will have many love affairs along the way. All of them will be an important part of my spiritual journey.
This isn’t a statement saying I’m going whoring around either. I’m only interested in complete chemistry. If I don’t have butterflies, If you can’t leave an impression strong enough that you cross my mind when I’m not around you, Jesus, If you can’t make me orgasm…. I don’t want it
🙂
Random Acts of Candice 