My Response To His Response

Photo taken last year by Stephen Holvik at Driftwood Beach on Jekyl Island

Wow! I really want to thank everyone who showed their support after my last blog post.  I had a lot of hesitation going forward with vocalizing my recent revelations.  I can’t hide the feelings I’m feeling. Now that I’m making sense of why I feel the way I do, I won’t hide.

My ex states that “who he is having a baby with is none of my business.”  He’s right, who it is, isn’t any of my business.  The fact that my children will have a sibling, changes everything about their life from here on out. I am their sole provider…that is my business. His chief complaint regarding my last blog was an accusation of a cry for financial help. He whole-heartedly believes that the time my children have spent at his mother’s house, excludes him from any further financial support.   I have no rent or bills but I do spend more than anyone I know’s rent, on my monthly expenses for myself and my children.  I’m not complaining about my life or even entertaining his ridiculous delusions of abandonment.  The people he claims I dump my kids on, would all gladly testify that his accusations are unfounded.  I could argue my point until I can no longer breathe.  Instead I will show the world a little bit of  my constant frustration and why I always chose to stay silent.

Here is my last email from him that I have not responded to

“Here’s what you don’t understand. Every time I’ve been in a position to help financially they have been with myself and or my family. I have given to my parents and taken care of them as well. You can’t come at me with this being a problem when the truth is they are not with me over half the year. You don’t know a thing about what transpires while they’re here. You saying that I can’t face anything…hmmmm, what are you wanting me to face? The fact that I hurt you? That is your issue. Not mine. As far as the job comment…let me elaborate on the whole get a job thing. You’re complaint is about money correct? You wanted full custody to make all the decisions and you got that! Let’s discuss facts. The boys have spent over half the year with myself and my family. When they’re with you they’re not really with you. You dump them on someone else quite often. Now, I tried not to be a dick but you like running your mouth for the world to see. You say it helps you and others…get a therapist.”

Take the finances completely out of the equation.  He doesn’t need to know what I spend and how I spend my money. That is none of his business. In the past three years, my children’s lives have changed drastically. I’ve spent every single day making sure that their emotional well-being has been provided for.

My blog had nothing to do with money, it was about my sadness!

This girl my ex is having a child with, I’m sad for her.

I’m sad for her because I’ve lived both of her potential futures.  Whether she keeps the baby or not, she has no idea what she is getting into.  Unless she has love for herself that’s stronger than her love or lust for him, she will spiral to the bottom of the whirlpool that is depression. Giving everything she has to him and to her love for him, she will hold on to the unfulfilled promises of a life that drifts farther and farther away from reality.

“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it” Winston Churchill

Here I am, my ex and I exchanged a few private emails back and forth.  Two people arguing different perspectives is a battle I’ve long learned to throw in the towel and surrender.  I’m not giving up on my side.  I’m just not pursuing the argument.  His request is that I leave him out of my blog.  He’s angry and completely misinterpreted my intentions.

My blog set out as a way for me to dig internally.  I discovered that my soul resonates with written expression and I’ve found a place to set her free. I had no idea where it would lead or how it would evolve.  The more I would reflect, the more honest I became with myself.  The more honest I became, the easier speaking my truth became. When I got to that raw place, it was too fragile for anyone without pure intentions to enter.  I alienated myself from negative energy and gravitated to people who inspire me.  The support from my readers and the people I chose to keep close to me, pushed me to dig deeper.  Now my soul, which was once so fragile, is like the phoenix rising from its ashes and ready to fly the eternal sky of love that’s only available when one has learned to love in truth.

This healing process is setting my heart free.  A freedom I’ve spent many years dreaming exists. A freedom so free I want to share it with all who wish to feel as free as me.

But he wants me to keep him out of it????

For over 10 years I made every decision with his best interest in mind.  So many times my instinct would say one thing and he wanted another.  I stayed quiet and supported his side. He never made me or forced me.  I did it all by myself.

I’m not “bashing him” in my stories as he accuses. I’m just reliving my past.  Reflecting on my pain.

I’m showing the decisions I’ve made, why I made them & how I felt after I made them.

He may have been a huge influence on my decisions at those times, but I had a voice.  I heard my voice inside my head.  Instead I chose to negotiate with my voice.  I told my soul to shut up while I continuously auctioned her off one piece at a time.  I lied to myself.

 Every time I wanted to speak up,  I chose not to!

Every time I wanted to say no, I pretended to enjoy the yes!

I’m not telling my story to bash him.  He is unnamed and only a reflection.  I’m telling my story because my liberation could potentially stop just one person from silencing their soul.  If one person finds the courage to speak from their inner truth, then I can never regret any of my “bad choices” as they are all lessons on my path to growth.

I don’t apologize for what will come because I have lived all of it and have only hurt myself through my silence.

He will be upset with this and choose not to read my blog as he admits.  My heart is empathetic because I know why he’s really upset.  He doesn’t like help. He says he doesn’t have a problem.  So  when people who care about him, read what I write, they see how much pain he carries on a daily basis.  They get an idea of the self-hatred behind the tough exterior.  Drinking a fifth of liquor a day is never a genetic thing.  The excuse, “I’m Puerto Rican, it’s in my blood” is an excuse I don’t want my kids to adopt.  It’s alcoholism and it’s a form of numbing all reality instead of facing it.  That’s ok if someone chooses to live that way as I’ve been there with marijuana before.  It’s not ok for me to live that way. Not anymore and I won’t let my kids think it’s ok either.  All the people who care about him read my blog and reach out to him.  He doesn’t like help.  It makes him angry and he will push them farther and farther away.  Push them to their breaking point and continuously blame me for opening my mouth.  My wish to remain friends post divorce will never be a reality when the two of us have our own opposing perspectives of reality.

The fact that we loved each other was never a question.  We lost communication before we even built a solid foundation.  He created an image of me, I created an image of him and we spent our entire relationship expecting the other person to fit our desired image.  Constantly living in disappointment from unrealistic expectations.  Both of us unhappy and only one difference between him and I.

He acted on his desires and I suppressed mine.

I created a dream world and chose to hide in there.  Now, in my process of healing through writing, my dream world is manifesting into my real world.

So here I am,

I find myself at that awkward place which was once so familiar.  A place that used to cause my breath to become short and my heart palpitate at rapid speeds.  All while my throat would constrict as I forced myself to swallow the pain along with my pride and dignity.

My soul wants to speak and he wishes me to silence her.

I need to make myself happy now.

I got my wings back a long time ago but I’ve been too scared to leave the cage.  The door has been unlocked and wide open.  I’ve come outside to frolic and play but always stayed close enough to my false sense of security.

My heart is ready to soar and I will no longer keep her captive.

All the support I’ve received has pushed me to take my blogging to the next level.  I’m looking into a relaunch that will allow me to write my journey to self-love and bring everyone along with me.  I’m going all the way back to every mistake I’ve made and letting my readers experience the decision’s I’ve made and why I made them. Then I’ll bring them with me as I dig into the emotions that arise from those decisions.  I’m hoping to shed light on the emotional damage caused by not speaking up.

 Many of my loyal readers are asking me how they can help; This new platform will allow donations and contributions.  It’s hard to be a dancer and push for something you’re passionate about.  The world puts you in a tiny box of stereotypes filled with disbelief and fearful agendas.

I’m going to release my book, one portion at a time, for those who are interested in subscribing.  I’ll still continue to keep blogging about  my current life and it’s obstacles on my Randomactsofcandice and I will keep everyone informed on the details of  my relaunch.  I’m really excited about this next phase and I’m even more excited to live in love.

Still Waters Run Deep

“The soul has no secret that the behaviour does not reveal” Lao Tzu

That is exactly how I felt last night.  I was invited over John’s house for dinner with him, Jamie and John’s “girl” Ana.  The setting was beautiful as the Christmas decorations were in the process of being displayed.  On the table awaited our most delicious Caprice salads, (and I felt so bad when I saw John’s face from my not eating tomatoes) while John seared Tuna Steaks outside on the grill. Everything was wonderful except for me.    I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t enjoy myself and I couldn’t stop the volcano of emotions erupting inside my head.  Just the slightest comment was all it took to push me over the edge and let go of the tears I spent the entire evening pretending to suppress.

My emotional weight has been incredibly heavy over the past few weeks and I’ve done everything imaginable to get to the source.  Instead, I found myself sad when circumstances are happy and angry when I have no reason to even feel upset. I tried yoga, meditation, eating chocolate, orgasm, exercise, talking to friends; everything I would suggest to someone asking me for help.  Still I can’t hide the frustration.

In attempt to get to the root of my melancholy state I began to construct this blog post.  Formatting my paragraphs inside my head while I reflected on every thought.  Hoping to process my reaction to the thoughts.

When one begins the journey to their higher self. Renovations need to happen, walls get knocked down and memories that were hidden deep into your cerebral suddenly are set free.  When you set those imprinted emotions free, you physically have to feel the emotion again.  So if the memory was happy, you’ll sense a euphoric feeling when you uncover that once lost moment.  But if the memory is sad, you too become sad.  Until you face whatever it is you are hiding, that sadness will linger.

Lately everything is upsetting me.  I’m frustrated with work, and my finances.  I’m irritated with rental cars.  I’m unwilling to follow through with anything and my resentment towards my children makes me ashamed to even admit it. They want, need and deserve so much and I’m only one person.  I want to write, I want to paint, I want to spend hours do nothing but exploring the world with my children.  I need to relax, I want fun, I have to work…. I go to work and lets say I meet an asshole, I use every bit of my positive energy to erase him from my aura and start over.  Seven hours later in 7 inch stilettos, after 3 people have tried to touch under my underwear or asked me “what goes on in the champagne room?”  I’m emotionally spent and aggravated with my job and feel I’m not compensated enough for the energy I put in.  Then I get pissed at the girls who so easily sell their bodies and their souls and have it all.  I’m struggling to maintain my morals, sending compassion to the women who don’t have it for themselves. Yet I see them with what I just can’t get to and I wonder “It’s just sex, I did it with my husband when I didn’t want to”  and that thought makes me angry with myself.  I love my life traveling, but I’m tired of my suitcase and I miss having a closet.  I’m hard on myself when I know I should be reading with the boys but I just need an hour of sleep.  All these emotions weren’t here 4 weeks ago.  There was a trigger and until my drive to John’s house, I was unaware of what that was.

It was a phone call from Gabriel, my son, while I was camping at Boyd’s during the Key West power boat races.  The day started with rain and I had put all of Heather and my blankets into the car.  It was pouring and the tent my dad lent me didn’t have a rain guard.  Already frustrated because Heather and I had just had a conversation about cutting our losses and leaving the races due to repetitive bad nights. It’s pouring rain, I ‘m sitting in the car burning sage to clear my mood and my phone rings.  Gabe is nervous and doesn’t want to tell me why.  He says, “Did dad tell you?”  I’m like, “tell me what?”  and he goes, “Nevermind”.  Now i’m irritated with him because I hate when people say nevermind.  It’s like dangling chocolate in front of a women on her “Red Dragon”!!!  I make him tell me and I find out that my ex husband and father of my children just introduced them to his new girlfriend.  That wouldn’t be a big deal for a normal ex.  Not mine.  This is number four and he just left the last one a month ago after my kids spent the summer with them and her son. Another girlfriend wouldn’t be so bad either because I do want him to be happy.  I recently just complimented him on his current employment.  I told him that I’m so glad he’s doing something that makes him happy.  And then I’m smacked in the face with this.  She’s 19.  19 and pregnant.  I don’t feel an emotion right away and I do my best to say the right things to Gabriel.   The phone call ends and I smoke myself  to sleep with a serenade of rain pouring on the hood of my rental car, a meditation mantra cd of shanti mantras, sage and nag champa burning in the ac vent. The windows are cracked so the fresh rain scent allows me to breathe just enough without causing the rain to soak my skin.  My Ganesha statue that I received as a gift from my dear friend Jayesh sits on my dashboard. The emotion is instantly locked away and buried so fast I never knew it affected me.  I was proud of myself for dealing with that so well.  I even woke up to a rainbow over the crystal clear turquoise sea on the beach of our ocean front campsite.

A few days later Gabriel called me again.  This time he says, “Dad wants to know if you’re going to put anything in your blog.”  Apparently he is concerned about his ex girlfriend finding out before he could say anything to her himself.  I had a few sarcastic comments but I was in control enough to only say them in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Instead I told him to tell his father, “mom says not my monkies, not my circus”.  I didn’t understand why he was concerned about my blog when he just put a picture on Instagram of the new girl with the kids?  It didn’t make any sense to me and I again brushed it off.

I did talk to my closest friends about it.  I didn’t call my family because they get all worked up and every time insist I take him back to court to get child support.  I’m entitled they say.  I tell them the same thing everytime, “you can’t get blood from a turnip”. When I got divorced I insisted on having full rights and responsibilities in exchange for my complete freedom! I wanted nothing in return and I denied child support.   For 10 years I watched him not pay child support to the previous ex-wife.  Always justifying it by stating, we were broke and needed our money for living expenses. Saying things like, she has plenty of money and my daughter is fine…he’d go on by boasting she’s taking vacations and shopping, she doesn’t need to take our money when we need to buy food.  I would see his point.  When people asked me why he didn’t pay child support to his ex, I’d explain it the way he explained it to me and I would make them believe what I chose to believe.

For as long as I can remember I made excuses for him.  I told myself that I would love him unconditionally and no matter what happened I wanted him to be happy.  So every time something hurt me, I locked it away and tried to control my emotions. I tried to love myself by setting him free.  It worked. I did set him free.  I no longer am in love with him.  When he does something that used to hurt me, I only feel sad for him.  I do want him to be happy and I do want him to have a successful relationship.  I believe we all deserve that but will never have that until we clean out and face all of our own shit.

I thought I was angry because just when I might have gotten a tiny bit of financial help, the Universe says just kidding. Knowing he now has a job he likes gave me hope. That is something I thought would never happen. I thought I was angry because I still believed he would start helping when he could…..and once again he can’t.

Now he has to take care a of a child having a child. The reality that I’m completely alone, like for real alone finally hits me. Over the past 3 years when anyone asked me about my ex and his character… I always respond by saying something along the lines of, “He’s going through a really hard time right now.  I know how hard it is to find yourself and his happiness is more important than money.  I know that when he is able to help, he will.  Right now, he is just struggling.”  They all roll their eyes.  Every single one of them. Again, I’m making excuses for him.  Deep down inside I know it’s a crock of shit.  I want to be positive.  Thinking positive creates positive and if I believe it, than it will be.

Do you know how fucking exhausting that thought process is?  The power of manifestation is the most amazing thing I have witnessed and experienced myself.  But sometimes, It’s really exhausting when you have an ex like mine.

All of a sudden everything that didn’t bother me is bothering me.

Then I have my aha realization and I force myself to go all the way back.  Find the hidden rooms concealing every pain I’ve captured and locked away.  Pains I couldn’t release because I never allowed myself to feel them.  I denied the reality and created my delusion.  My delusion was safe and my excuses made sense.  I can’t keep them hidden anymore because someone knocked on the door and woke everyone up.  So I went into my subconscious blazing and began kicking down the walls hiding my skeletons.  Confronting them one at a time. First I have to face them, and then I have to feel them.  One by one. That’s the only way to finally be free.

I’m feeling and reliving every excuse I pretended to believe and every pain I denied its presence

2003 He’s married to his ex-wife but just came back from Iraq. We had exchanged letters the entire year during Operation Iraqi Freedom.  We fell in love. He wanted to leave his wife for me.  We went back and forth about what’s right and what we should do.  He ended up on my doorstep during military leave when he left his wife after an argument they had over sex. I showed him my world and when he cracked, I always blamed myself.  I would say to myself that something must have happened in Iraq that he doesn’t talk about and maybe my lifestyle is too much for him.  I quit for him.  I didn’t want to quit.  I wasn’t ready to give it all up but I loved him and he couldn’t handle my life.  We once went to a swingers club because it was something my girlfriends and I enjoyed.  I wanted to wow him with my life but instead it gave him an impression of me he was unable to let go of.  I normally wouldn’t partake in the festivities when we’d frequent Trapeze.  The swingers club that my girlfriends and I liked to go to after work on occasions.  I would enjoy watching.  That particular night I brought my ex, we all had a little too much to drink and everyone had touched some part of everyone else. Him and I ended up getting into an argument and I tried to prove I didn’t care so the next morning, Not having slept yet, I told him I wanted him to sleep with my roommate.  I told him to do it and when he actually did.  I was pissed.  I couldn’t tell him I was pissed so I locked it away.  Telling myself it was my fault because I asked him to do it.  Everytime we’d ever argue about anything related….I knew he thought he loved a slut, only because I chose to be honest.

2004 I’ve left my life in Miami and moved into his house in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  He’s still married to his ex-wife and going through a divorce. I later find that she was unaware of that divorce at the time. I’m playing the role of army wife and silently missing my friends and life back in Miami.  I miss dancing but would never admit that.  I miss going out of the house now that I sit inside his home all day long preparing for him to come home.  Only for him to come home and bitch about everything that didn’t go his way during his day. I pretend not to miss my life and make the best of our life.  I’m pregnant and his mother warned me not to hurt her boy.  I can’t get help because he is married to his wife and the military doesn’t take adultery lightly.  I have to go back to Florida to apply for Medicaid because I am ineligible for Tricare.  But I get to see my friends so I’m happy. I come back to Ft. Bragg after I now have insurance and our arguments continue.  We are both stressed and scared and he is worried about his career. We agree to get an abortion after discussing it for 16 weeks.  I couldn’t have a regular abortion like the one I had before.  When I was 18 in Miami. They put you to sleep and you wake up with a very heavy period and light cramping.  I was 16 weeks with this child. We both wanted the baby but neither could imagine going through with it.  We drove to a facility in Raleigh, North Carolina.  The closest one that performed terminations at that late in the pregnancy. Neither of us had the money for the procedure so I asked one of my regular customers if he would pay for my abortion.  He always gave me way more than the amount every time he used to visit my club so he was more than happy to help.  After I signed all the legal documents, I’m given two pills.  One that causes the babies heart to stop. The other to induce labor and make your cervix start dilating. I had a fraction of a second to not take those pills and instead chose to feel no emotion and just swallow. A decision I never forgave myself for.  I studied spirituality and found peace with believing that some souls serve a purpose. That some babies were never meant to be born.  That everything happens for a reason and this was a life lesson we needed to experience. After I swallowed the pill that ended my would have been childs life, they had me sit in a room with everyone else suffering the same sense of self-hatred and remorse.  When it was my turn to go back he kissed me on my forehead and told me we were doing the right thing.  I didn’t believe him but I told myself I did. I don’t think he believed himself either.  Now I’m laying on the table with my legs strapped to the stirrups.  They strap you down because they don’t administer anesthesia for this operation, but you are given gas to numb the pain. So the straps are there so you don’t kick the doctor basically.  They said you only feel a little pinching and it doesn’t hurt too bad.  That was a lie.  After the babies heart stops and it is officially dead.  They have to cut the fetus up small enough in order to remove it through my half dilated cervix.  It hurt like hell and I felt every bone break and every cut.  I couldn’t cry because I didn’t want to accept this wasn’t the right thing to do.  I focused on breathing through the pain and trying not to think.  I remember telling the doctor to stop after the first bone broke and he, with the most sympathetic  voice said, “ma’am it’s too late.  Your baby is already gone.  You have to relax so we can remove all of the fetus or you could risk getting an infection.”  I wanted to cry.  Instead I locked it away.  We went to Applebees for lunch afterwards and neither of us said much.  We agreed that we should take this time to focus on us and building our relationship…looking at this as a second chance.

One week later, he need space.

I was smothering him was his excuse when he broke up with me.  It was the 4th of July and I was driving to Ft. Myers to watch fireworks on the canal at my grandmas house.  I cried from Lakeland, Florida all the way to Cape Coral while my best friend Kristen drove in silence.

I blamed it on the abortion and told everyone who asked me what happen that he was depressed and couldn’t handle it.  That fact was true.  It took a serious toll on him.  One that almost caused him to take his life later on.

Many times I made excuses for his actions.  Too many painful experiences I muscled through and pretended didn’t bother me.  They are all coming back to me in the form of sadness and anger triggered by this new baby.

I’m angry because I know he thinks I make enough money and the boys are ok.  That reality is true.  They don’t go without.  I provide for their every need but I’m breaking myself down in the process.  Trying to find balance and make it all work in a way that makes everyone happy.  I was ok doing everything when I thought he was trying to do something for his future that would fulfill his life. Something that would in turn allow him to finally live up to a promise he once made to help when he could.  It’s only fair as I’ve fulfilled my promise to never take the children away from him and to allow visits whenever he is in town.

Now I’m not ok

 The reality hits me on the way to dinner with my friends last night.  I’m not ok because he does need to help.  Women all over the world get help from exes whether they have new spawn or not.  If he can make a baby than he damn sure can support the ones he’s already made.  I caught myself making excuses for him.  Telling myself he will need his money because babies are expensive.  I planned to be supportive when we talked. Whenever that is because I haven’t spoken to him in months. My son plays middle man telling me what dad says and that makes me angry.  He’s too young for that burden and that’s why I hide my emotion and answer diplomatically.

Then yesterday came the straw that broke the camels back.

Gabe says dad wants to know where they are spending Christmas.  They’re spending Christmas with their grandma and grandpa because I need to go work since I can’t afford Christmas.  My rental car needs renewed on the 20th so I’m letting grandma provide the magic while I spend Christmas making some cash.  I was ok with this knowing everyone was happy.  I’ve had the kids every holiday since the separation so it’s only fair.

Why do I have to work and miss everything while he gives me nothing to contribute?  Then he gets to pop in and show all of his Facebook what a good father he is.  Then take tons of pictures showing how they’re  such a happy family. I’m not ok with that and I feel so guilty because I want them to be a happy family.

I wish that were true but the sad reality is it isn’t.

Both boys suffer severe separation anxiety and I spend every moment away from them in guilt while I’m doing what I need to do to give them what they need. Then I spend every moment with them making up for spending so much time away.

I can’t carry the weight of the emotional baggage anymore.  I apologize to anyone offended by this post.  I’ve only spoken my truth from my perspective.  As I’ve previously stated.  This is my journey to self-love.

My journey and mine alone and those that take offense, ask yourself what it is that offends you?  Why does it offend you?  Maybe there is some truth buried deep inside your soul.  Emotions you’ve never felt because you pretended they didn’t hurt. Maybe my words have triggered that emotion you hide.  Be careful when facing a truth you don’t want anyone to know not even yourself.  It’s a very dangerous path, one should proceed with caution as it can be quite painful….but if you can endure the pain, in the end it’s the freest form of freedom

What’s The Mystery

It’s Saturday October 15th.  I’m at The Red Garter in Key West, Florida.  Pre Fantasy Fest, it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s been two months since I left for Canada on my hiatus so there’s a little anxiety with coming back to work.

I check in and scan the room.  I notice two men sitting by the stage at the corner bar table.  They look like father and son, which is confirmed in moments.

I take a seat next to the father since he was the one making googly eyes at me.  I can tell he has money by his demeanor.  Right away he offers to take me on his boat. I smile because it’s polite, but this is Key West….everyone offers to take me on their boat.  He asks me a question, “would you quit dancing?” I respond,  “At the moment this is my job.” He continues with, “What if someone gave you enough money to stop?”  I say with a smile,  “What if I told you I like my job and it’s not something I need to be saved from?”  He turns to his son and shaking his head in disbelief, he appears to be giving him a play by-play of our conversation. They look at each other and get up.  He stops in front of me and states “I have a pocket full of hundreds and you answered that question wrong” walks away and mumbles, “you’re disgusting!”

Wait I’m disgusting because I enjoy my job?

Mr pushing 80 yr old wrinkly balls, Viagra popping,  has to pay for pussy, control freak is calling me disgusting because I like meeting people from all over the world and sharing conversations while artistically expressing myself through my sensuality.

And that was the start of my Fantasy Fest

Also the tail end of the magnetic, energetic storm & Super Moon reaping havoc over my emotional state.

Just prior to this day I found myself lashing out at people close to me.  So much so that I was questioning my own character.  I told Chelsea I’m afraid I might be a Narcissist.  She reminds me that I’m not a Narcissist because I’m not selfish.  I’m just impatient and frustrated.  To stop psychoanalyzing myself.

I marinate on her words over the next few days

Gabriel’s 11th birthday is here and he gets his long-awaited metal detector and ant farm.  We drive down to Key West for a day of birthday shopping and to attend The Goombay festival.

The next day I take the boys to Bahia Honda for some family beach time.

Gabe goes off Metal Detecting, Andrew decides to swim so I’ve found a quiet, grassy spot under a tree to roll out my yoga mat and turn inward.

After my practice Andrew joins me on the peninsula where I can finally curl up to continue reading The Truth, relaxing in the sun.  I read a line and it penetrates my core so deep I know it was meant for me at this moment in time.

The author, Neil Strauss, has exited rehab for his “sex addiction”, spent a year trying to better himself only to become so miserable not being an addict it tears his relationship apart and consumes his life.  He’s at a breaking point where he decides he wants to embrace open relationships and feels his monogamous relationship isn’t what will satisfy him…. Now I can relate to this for many reasons….. So in the book, he’s going to dinner with the only Therapist he’s connected with and his best friend with whom he confides in. He’s wanting to hear their thoughts on his current life choice…. He speaks, His best friend speaks, and then Lorraine, his therapist speaks.  What she says to him, she might as well have been speaking directly to me because she made me question……..

question EVERYTHING!

She states, “If you’re indeed going to follow through with your decision, I’m going to ask you to solve a mystery.”

“What’s the mystery” Neil says

Lorraine continues, “The mystery is whether the path you’re embarking on is authentic or you’re operating out of a wound.”

My entire post divorce, back at it again 30 yr old stripper, I don’t need a home because I want to be free, my kids are homeschooled because I believe in unschooling and worldly education vs public school and governmentally funded robot training.

Am I wounded? Am I trying to prove a point?

All the people in my life who question me, Is this all to prove to them?  To prove to my ex I don’t need him?

Then my mind flashes to my recent Sunday Funday with my best friend since elementary school.  It’s a three-way debate and it’s me against them.  Our conversation has touched everything from fucked up relationship patterns to USA’s top reality show called the political race.  I become the topic of conversation and she says, “Candice wasn’t always like this.  Every time I meet someone and they ask me about Candice, I tell them that she wasn’t always like this.  Her husband did this to her.”  From there all I heard was Charlie Brown’s mom going “wha wha wha wha wha” an echo of background noise as my inner anger grew.

I didn’t tell her that pissed me off.  I wanted to get to the core of the anger.  No one did anything to me!

I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I’m in the best physical state of my life.  My relationship with my children is solid.  I’m aware of my emotions no matter what I’m feeling.  I only have real friends in my life.  I’m surrounded by people who lift me up on a daily basis and allow me to inspire them with my  friendship. Instead of sitting at a desk and dreaming of travel, I’m traveling and dreaming of the now.

I realize I’m not angry, I’m hurt.  Hurt because she’s supposed to be my best friend and she thinks something has happened to me!  Thinks this is all me acting from a wound.  Like I’m a victim to my ex husband. My best friend doesn’t know me at all and that really hurts. 

I wasn’t damaged, I was set free

The book continues with Niel asking “How will I know the difference?”  Lorraine answers, “Wounds bring drama and trauma.  They don’t bring comfort.” “We all have six core needs: emotional, social, intellectual, physical, sexual, and spiritual. And if they’re being attended to and enhanced, then you’re doing the right thing.”

I think about all 6 needs. Chelsea and my kids satisfy me emotionally, Facebook and it’s shenanigans keep me socially satisfied..thank you all for being a part of my journey, the amazing people I keep in my circle constantly stimulate my intellect, Ashtanga yoga, my active lifestyle and my much talked about job as a stripper keep my physical body in check, my dance, art, writting and photos all express my sexuality and allow that outlet as I’ve temporarily chosen abstinence, and Spiritually is covered in many ways.  I’m a buhindican…that stands for Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Wiccan…very lightly on the Christianity….I have a gypsy tribe of soul sisters who help surge my spirituality.

I don’t believe I’m acting from any wounds over here.  I’m feeling 100% on my path and my purpose, but I’m not going to talk about it.  I spent all last year doing that.

This is the year of results.

That poor man thinking I’m disgusting.  It’s not easy for me being an empath and a dancer. I feel all the erratic chaos.  His energy was so negative and I sucked it right up.  I bet he doesn’t sleep well and has a terrible case of IBS.  He needs healing.  I’m going to send him positive thoughts tonight.

As for me

It’s my last night in Key West for Fantasy Fest. If you’re in town, come see me at The Red Garter.  Tomorrow I’m driving back to Orlando to spend Halloween with friends.  I’m coming right back though. I will be back just in time for the Poker Run.  Back and  energetically in check with two of my gypsy sisters.

I call my Labradorite earrings my energy blockers.  Tonight I have my energy blockers on and I’m going to kick ass

🙂

What Makes Me Think I’ll Make It As A Writer

About six months ago, I cut ties with some negative energy.  A comment was made that struck my soul like a lightning bolt, “What makes you think you’ll make it as a writer?” Followed by the statement, “You know people go to college for YEARS to become writers and still don’t become published authors.” 

My immediate response was… “Natural talent can’t be taught!”

Maybe I was a little overdefensive????

I never for a second thought I wouldn’t make it as a writer.  Only because I never wanted to be a writer.

Writing chose me

For example, I never liked writing papers in school and English was my least favorite subject.

It wasn’t until my yoga apprenticeship when my teacher forced me to dig deep.  Real deep, so deep it scared me.  The papers that were expected of me were about my feelings, my emotions, my pains and my pleasures.  It was like pandora’s box was mysteriously unlocked and my purpose became apparent.  I’ve always wanted to help people, it’s been a natural overwhelming feeling my entire life.  My ex used to say “if you help your sister one more time we’re going to get a divorce.”

Can you imagine the anxiety that caused?

When I write, all I do is explain my emotions. I just write what I feel and never expected people to read it.  Then one day emails began flooding my inbox with thank you messages.  People seem to relate to my writings and the common compliment I still receive is, “It’s like you took the words from my own brain”

I’ve noticed I have a niche for saying what others are afraid to say and making it ok to feel that way.

When you figure out how to shut out the worlds distractions, your inner passion shines for the world to see. Silently whispering to you “we want more” but on a frequency the naked ear can not hear.

This blog started as a coping mechanism for my divorce and has evolved into my personal method for spreading positivity.  Yes I go on a few rants, but I always shed light on the brighter side of every situation.  Deep down inside, that’s how I feel.   Being thankful for the good, brings you nothing but more goodness.

So back to my book

I started writing Therapist in a Thong to shed light on the good side of Stripping.

The connections made between a dancer and her customer are mutually beneficial.  When I was a young dancer, work was all about money.  I had regulars that paid me for my time, but I took them for granted.  I knew they liked talking to me, and I didn’t have to dance to get paid.  So I was appreciative but not for the right reasons. I never paid attention to why they enjoyed talking to me.  Why they kept coming back and always left with a smile.  I just thought it was great because I enjoyed their company. I never concidered all the knowledge and power that came from those vulnerable moments when we both shared our most intimate details.

There was an exchange that happened in those moments.  An energetic exchange.  

You know how one person can walk into a room and completely kill the vibe for everyone? Their energy washes over the entire room and shifts the mood of everyone in that room.   I radiate positive energy and my customers pay me to have their moods lifted to my level.

That same energetic exchange happens when people go to a Therapist.  

If there is something lacking in your life, you go to a professional to fix it right?

Everyone deals with their own personal shit differently

Some people turn to drugs and alcohol.  Others like to go to the gym or workout in nature.  One might  lock themselves away and stare at Netflix for hours, while another person just needs to feel physical touch. Then there’s those who struggle with self acceptance so immensely they pretend to be someone else.

Humans need an outlet

The years I spent teaching yoga opened my eyes to these needs and desires.  I saw the same lost look in the eyes of my yoga clients that I remember seeing in the men from my dancing days.    

Human touch doesn’t have to always be a sexual thing.  Here’s another example.  I can do self yoga for a month straight and not get the same practice as one with a teacher.  For that single moment, like when I’m on my knees bent over in childs pose and a hand is placed on the base of my spine to deepen my stretch.  That placement of their hand is so insignificant yet sends electric currents charging through my body.  I’m then able to relax deeper into the posture with the simple assistance from a warm hand and a caring soul.  That’s the same relaxation exchanged in a hug and a smile.

 Here I am now almost a decade later and I’m back in the business.

I came back with a fresh perspective.  

A fresh perspective in a tainted industry…and I can’t wait to tell you all about it

Gratitude, Because I Said So

Good afternoon.   I’m finding out that it’s quite unmotivating to move when it’s cold. So I’ve spent the morning looking through my endless ocean pictures.  

I want to get into a little depth about how grateful I am for all the different phases of my life that make me who I am today.

I’m laying here in bed this afternoon enjoying Chelsea’s plug-in fireplace.  It’s become  my version of “My Buddy and Me“.  I bring it up and down the stairs, next to the bath and now it’s warming my bedside.

A girl has to have some kind of satisfaction 😀 Ha ha

At the moment the neighbors are walking on the third level.  I’m on the second in a completely different building.  These historic Jellybean houses are built side by side, and so old you can feel the character in the walls and floorboards. You also can hear everything.  It sounds like the neighbors are above me stomping intentionally.  I know that’s not the case but my mind drifts to a day-dream.

I go back to the 80’s  when I’d stay up late, (shhh don’t tell my mom) and watch Nightmare on Elm Street… One movie Freddy turns a kid into a video game character and he’s controlling him to break the brick walls like Mario. I imagine the stomper next door as the video game character…. This thought, and a sober thought at that, makes me laugh because deep down inside, I am just a big dork.

I’m ok with that because it’s part of me.  Along with all my other personalities that coexist to create the entity of me.

I had a somewhat normal childhood.  My parents divorced when I was 3, but they shared visits. We lived with mom and dad had shared holidays and every other weekend.  My mom remarried and I had a step dad that helped raise my sisters and I.  Looking back, he had good intentions, but from my childlike perspective…HE WAS EVIL

Here’s a summary of my torture

We lived in central Florida and it’s hot.  After school, when homework is done we had to go out and play.  Which is great, I support that now as a parent.  As a kid when it’s hot, not so fun.  We were always kicked out.  Rain, sun, cold…it didn’t matter. “Go out and play!” He’d yell. We had one rule, we had to be home by the street lights.  So you rush home, make sure you put your bike or skates away because God forbid you leave them on the lawn, not wanting to be late.  Then rush in, oops the screen door on a spring release slams and I’m told to open it and close it 100 times. “Stop slamming the doors” he yells…. So 1, 2, 3, 4, 5………….99, 100 I’m finally done and get ready for dinner.  Guess what?  There are tomatoes on my plate.  I hate tomatoes, always have since I was 5.  But every time there are tomatoes. They’d put them on my plate knowingly.  It was called a “no thank you helping” in our home.  The battle of how stubborn I really am began and a few hours later, tomatoes still on my plate, I’m dismissed and told to put my dinner in the refrigerator for breakfast…  Ha ha I had free lunch…so all I had to do was get myself to the cafeteria before my first class. Then I could put chocolate milk in my Rice Crispi’s instead of eat my leftover tomatoes. Free lunch came with free breakfast. Talk about a healthy breakfast, I’m surprised I’m alive..lol

That was one of many examples.  He wasn’t a bad step dad.  Just not a nice one either. Then they split.  Right in highschool.  Right when puberty kicked in, my hormones were everywhere, that’s when the only stability I knew was gone.  My mom did her best to maintain, but she ended up working 4 jobs, faced multiple evictions, and my sisters and I kinda fended for ourselves. 

We moved from the suburbia of Sanford, Florida to deep in the hood of Sanford.  What’s known as Bokey.  Where the Thanksgiving talent show was a booty shaking competition and of course I was in attendance.  Twerking before twerk became a term. At that time in my life music was my soul and dance became my outlet.

All these portions of my personality come together to create the whole that I have become to be.  I’m grateful for all the good and bad.  The hood side of me can navigate the streets, my intuition is always on point from living where you have to watch your back, and going to bed hungry has taught me to listen to my children when they don’t like something.  

I never understood the reasoning for the things my parents did, consequentially I became an open parent. Meaning, my children and I talk about everything.  I don’t say, “do it because I said so”  That always caused resentment because I didn’t understand.  The frustration from not understanding fester.  Instead, I explain exactly why I’m doing what I’m doing and exactly why I expect my boys to do what I ask of them.  There’s no frustration. They may not like it, but they understand why they’re being told to do it. I’m grateful for all my years of mixed emotions and living in frustration. Now I can teach my children to cope with their emotions properly.

Look at the tomatoe scenario.  Had my parents explained the nutritional value of tomatoes.  Then followed with offering an alternative, just as healthy.  I could have opted to eat something else just as nutritional. In turn going to  bed fulfilled. Not frustrated, not hungry, and ready for school the next day.

I think it’s a wonderful practice to get into.  Take the things that upset you about others actions and reverse them in your own life.  Turn the good to bad and find the positive in the negative.  I’ve been doing that my entire life.  Now I’m proud to say I’m in a position where I am aware enough to see all perspectives.  It’s a beautiful thing.

So I leave you today with homework.  Think about your own life.  What have you been through in the past that makes you a better person today? Who has annoyed you so much with a habit, that you refuse to entertain that habit or someone who has the same habit? Sit in silence and send a heart felt thank you to that person who irritated you SOOOO much they inspired you to be better.  

Today I thank my parents for always saying, “because I said so”.  I love them unconditionally and I don’t fault them for frustrating me.  They are the framework of my foundation.  

I’m sure my boys will find their own things that I do to irritate them.

My dad and step mom Christine. Coco Beach July 2016

My mom and I in the bounce house on my birthday. May 2016

 

High on Emotions; In Love with Life

It’s August 12, 2016 and tonight is the peak of the Perseid Meteor Shower.  I purposely stayed up last night to get a glimpse of the expected peak between 3 and 4 am.  Mother nature or maybe Zeus must have been in the mood for practical jokes because after clear skies all day, a storm rolled in around midnight.  My energy is overstimulated so I couldn’t sleep.  I finally fell watching Madonna’s Truth or Dare documentary around 6 am.  That’s my go to for motivation for any inspiration when I’m feeling lacking.  I have a second chance tonight because the highest peak is seen in the northern hemisphere…..and I’m excited with anticipation.

This recent week has been absolutely lovely.  Two of my friends from Key West flew into Newfoundland and we have been in nature everyday.  We tapped into some mutual ambitions with our combined talents and have spent many hours painting, and exploring our different yet similar spiritual beliefs and practices.  I feel like the Universe is now providing long ago manifested intentions.  Everything in my life is falling into place.  I’m surrounded by love in all forms.  Happiness is abundant and I am giddily floating on cloud 9.

  Negativity is rapidly dissipating from my life. On our last hike to the Blue Lagoon, (Newfie local secret swimming hole) we sat in a group meditation.  Right above the waterfall and down the stream from the other swimmers, we released all enemies known and unknown.  In the beginning we sent love and peace to a few individuals we know are suffering from self caused afflictions.  We asked that they find happiness and abundance of their own and their hearts be filled with love.  Afterwards we separately sat and allowed the surrounding healing of the natural energy to work it’s magic.  I kept repeating the word love inside my head until the tears dripped down my cheeks.  I knew when my eyes watered that the cleansing had happened and I took a deep breath in and as I exhaled, I opened my eyes to take in the intoxicating scenery before me.  I believe the earth here has special healing powers.

It is said that the Labradorite, an ordinary stone that transforms into the extraordinary, is excellent for awakening one’s own awareness of inner spirit, intuition and psychic abilities..(which has been happening ever since I landed)..This stone was discovered here in Laborador, Canada and is naturally all over this island..like OMG!!! A few days ago I bought myself a pair of Labradorite earrings after learning about their protective qualities from my girl Rae,  who also is an empath like myself.  I told her how sometimes in my happiest moments, waves of sadness take over me and I can’t shake them.  This stone provides a shield from outside energies and is recommended for people with hearts so open that we feel everything, even if it’s unwanted.  Once again I am in the right place at the right time surrounded by the right people.  I can feel the magic from the Labradorite all over.  In the gust of brisk wind that sporadically come out of nowhere to the smell of the brutally cold natural spring water flowing out of the side of the rock.

Chelsea is on her way to the airport to pick up her longtime girlfriend and we will have a packed house of old and new friends. Excited is an understatement.  Tonight I’m planning on a candlelight yoga to relax the girls and then we will all attempt to catch a glimpse of our majestic Universe at it’s finest.

Even in all this happiness, I still find myself feeling down at times.  I miss my boys fiercely.  Today we walked for smoothies and on the harborfront a local band was playing.  Children were dancing in the grass and people sat on the stairs having picnics and conversations.  I remembered Gabe and Aj dancing as toddlers every evening when we went to the lake in Altamonte Springs for our after dinner walks.  The fountain there does a light show choreographed to classical music. The boys would dance in circles similar to the children today by the waterfront.  I felt the lump in my throat as I held it in and swallowed, wishing I had them here with me to complete this feeling of wholeness.  Their passports are expiring this month and I’m awaiting an email from the US Embassy about renewals while in another country.  I know missing them is only temporary because they’re back with me soon. I just can’t help it I want them to enjoy all of this wonderful nature and amazing company I’m grateful to have access to.  It’s an experience they shouldn’t miss.  I know there’s always next year, but I’m an in the moment kinda girl 🙂

Those are my thoughts for now as I need to prepare to introduce yoga to a few virgins of the practice.  Tonight will be interesting that’s all I have to say, lol

❤ ❤ ❤

Mindfulness isn’t just for adults

I find myself having the most pleasant evening after what could have been a very devastating day for my family.  

My character was attacked and false allegations were filed.  I’m not going to get into details on here. I don’t want to draw any negative attention to those who seek it.

What I do want to share with you is this conversation I just had with my 10 yr old son.

Today he was a nervous wreck.  He explained to me how his stomach hurt the entire day and he kept having to go to the bathroom.  We have that kind of relationship.  We’re very open and we talk about how we feel.  Emotionally, mentally and physically.  

The first thing he wanted to know was, “who was it?”

I told him, I’m very sure I  know and I don’t care.  

He says, “Mom I just want to know.”

Again I tell him, “It doesn’t matter baby.”

I ask him if he wants to learn an adult meditation practice that has helped me immensely since I’ve learned it.

He says, “ok”

I teach him about Sutra 1:33

Here’s a quick summary for all of my non yoga readers.

The Yoga Sutras (threads translated in Sanskrit) are a collection of aphorisms written by the sage Patanjali and offer guidelines for living a meaningful and purposeful life.  The Sutras are known as the fundamentals of yoga.

The samadhi pada or first section, covers Enlightenment.

Back to my conversation with my son.  I tell him that there are 4 different ways to react towards  other people in order to keep a calm mind.  When your mind is at peace,  then your stomach can feel fine.

Now he’s interested.

First I explain to my son what Sutra 1:33 translates to

(maitri karuna mudita upekshanam sukha dukha punya apunya vishayanam chitta prasadanam)

Basically in relationships with other people, you cannot control them, you can only control your reaction to them

So in order to keep a calm mind, the mind actually becomes purified by practicing these four attitudes

*feelings of friendliness towards those who are happy*

*compassion for those who are suffering*

*goodwill towards those who are virtuous*

And my favorite one of all time

*indifference or neutrality towards those we perceive as wicked or evil*

So then I ask him if he understands what that means.

He says “kinda”

Now I offer him examples.

I start with happiness.  I ask him how he feels when his little brother just beats a new level.  I ask him, “do you get excited for Aj, or do you feel jealous?”  He says, “I get happy over Aj all the time”

Ok good, now that’s how you should always feel when you see someone happy.  Smile and allow yourself to feel the same happiness

Next I say, “how do you feel when someone is hungry?” He responds with, “I want to feed them”

I explain that, that want to feed them is compassion and it’s the same if someone is sick or cold.  

3rd one, “what would you do if you saw someone who was going out of their way to pick up spilled trash?”  He says “I would help them pick it up”  Wonderful I say smiling. That person picking up trash has good morals.  They’re virtuous. You helping them is good baby.

Alright last one….I’m not going to give you an example, I’m going to explain it. Some people just like hurting others.  Evil people and it’s not talking about demons and monsters when it says  wicked and evil, it’s talking about people with not good intentions.  They say and do things just to hurt your feelings or to physically cause pain.  Those people, if you let them, they will get into your head.  By worrying about them, you are creating negative energy in your brain.  That negativity causes your nerves to make your stomach hurt.  The only way to be calm is to completely act like they aren’t even there.

He says, “what if someone hurt my family? Like Killed someone?”  I said baby, that would cause all kind of pain and there are many ways to address this when or if it were to happen, you worrying about that is creating your own unhappiness right now in this moment.  

You will make yourself sick with what if’s

So I continue by telling him whoever it was who tried to hurt me, doesn’t exist to me. Yes they’re a person, a human.  They have feelings too, but their actions can not affect my sanity. If and when their character changed, then so would my reaction.  

But I don’t care for revenge.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold….but through my experience the best revenge is no action at all.  

When one seeks a reaction, not giving them that and succeeding anyways.  Aside from their attempts is the BEST revenge EVER

I ask him if he gets it and he says yes

The conversation goes on into Robots and many other topics.  I inform him that he may be able to see his sister this week. (my children have a sister from their dad’s first marriage they haven’t seen in years until recently)  He gets excited and then gets quiet.  I say “what’s wrong”

He goes, “you know, I don’t want to say her name because it will hurt dad’s feelings”

I’m so proud of him and I tell him, “Babe that’s compassion!  It feels good doesn’t it”

“Yeah” he says and I know he’s smiling

You’re allowed to be happy about seeing her, but it is very kind of you to not want to rub it in.

I say “you’re special Gabriel!”

He concludes with “I know my name is an archangel and Alexander the Great…yup Gabriel Alexander, I’m special”

I couldn’t be more proud of him than in this moment.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti

Lessons, Life and Endless Love

I’m on my way to New York in the morning, I really needed a change of atmosphere and I’m throwing myself out of my comfort zone.  Two things that I’m allergic to, Gown clubs and snow.  Both I’m confronting tomorrow…..In Manhattan

The club I’m working at is having a Mardis Gras party Tuesday night.  The winner gets $1000 for the best costume.   You know I went shopping 😉 there’s also a grand for the girl who gets the most beads.  New York peeps, come show some luv!  I’ll be at Sapphire

I have the perfect outfit.  The only thing lacking is my purple mask I purchased in Key West with Chelsea for a costume…I drove to storage and it’s not there.  I had a box of photo shoot things I left with Stephen.  He agrees to meet me, my mask isn’t in the box, but two red Mardi Gras feather masks are.  With the right accessories, I can make this work.  He also had my travel Manduka mat, so that was a bonus. I get to practice with Eddie Stern again, Yay!

It was nice seeing Stephen.  When I last saw him, I broke his heart.  We spent alot of time together, constantly working on a photo shoot or an idea.  My creative juices were flowing and I was fuel for his photographic fire.  I was his muse.  When we met, we were both already on a spiritual journey.  We were on two separate journeys and our paths collided. He couldn’t understand how I could love him but not be in the “I want you as my boyfriend” way.

We agreed not to shoot together anymore because it became toxic.  I couldn’t explain what I felt and I could see the pain in his eyes.  I didn’t want to say goodbye to someone I cared about so much, but I couldn’t offer him what he wanted or expected from me.

See, I believe people come into your life for a reason.  You’re meant to fall in love multiple times.  Monogamy is only a choice.  An arrangement based on mutual chemistry between two partners. You choose to respect the arrangement, as does your partner.  Every love that comes into your life is there for your spiritual growth.  You can love two people at one time.  Living in monogamy and feeling non monogamous desires, is toxic.  If you are feeling these desires, you’re causing negative emotions to lock away.  You can only live in absolute happiness by listening to your soul and feeding your desires.

When I saw Stephen today, he looked better.   We talked about growth, and it was good to see him happily smiling again.  We put eachother through an emotional whiplash in only a few months.

Here’s what usually happens in a relationship.  Things are said or done, and someone gets hurt.  Instead of addressing it, you hold it in.  Those feelings of betrayal, pain, anger, sadness…..all those bad feelings get locked away and they become a ticking time bomb.  One day you can’t hold it in anymore and you explode.

You need to release those emotions when you feel them.  If someone is hurting you, Tell them…..If you think someone is lying, ask them…….if you need to cry, cry,…..if you need to scream, scream……let it out

Imagine a fist fight from two complete strangers.  Something sets one off and the altercation begins.  Both parties are using the anger to release their frustrations….that’s why you feel good after a fight.  Not because you inflicted pain on someone, because you experienced a release.  If people would deal with their shit instead of waiting until an explosion, there would be more good times had and less bad days.

My process of self exploration has been quite emotional.  If you are one of my close friends, you can laugh now because you have experienced at least one of my seemingly bipolar emotional text messages.

 I feel like if I need to say something, whether I’m justified or not, I’m going to say it.  If I’m right, it needed to be said…If I’m wrong, well I would never know the truth if I didn’t inquire.

I look at it like this…  If someone is offended by something I say to them, then we have different perspectives.  That’s okay, but if we don’t vibe, then it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known you, it’s time to move on.  People do outgrow each other.  I don’t want a relationship that isn’t nourishing my soul….and that’s any relationship.  Lover, friend, family member, any kind.

Recently one of my friends called me and asked if I’m pulling away from him.  He says he values my friendship and it would hurt him if I stopped talking to him.  At the time I said I was fine.  I thought I was fine, but I did pull away.  I realized that today when I was talking to Stephen about how we learn from the experiences, even the painful ones are needed.  I pulled away from him over a phone conversation.  He is a club owner, I have a few friends that own clubs.  We were discussing having a woman in management and I said, “you should let me run a club”  he laughed with a, “ha ha, you can fill out an application”.  My bitchy response was “I’m not filling out an application, you either want me or you don’t!”  That was the end of the conversation, but it wasn’t the end for me…

What did I do?   I locked it away.  I didn’t address it, I didn’t say anything.  I just pulled away.  What upset me was the realization that his vision of me is not the vision that I have for myself.  He see’s me as just a dancer.  Nothing more.  Maybe dating material, maybe even wifey material…but he doesn’t see my real abilities.  I locked these feelings away and they marinated.  I’m glad I had this talk with Stephen today.  I’m glad I saw what I needed to see. Shoot I realized, I don’t even want to run a club.  There’s no growth there.  I would just trap myself in a life that is not my soul purpose.  I’m CEO material and what I decide to run will be my hearts desire.  I needed to pull away from him to see the lesson I eventually learned.

What I learned from Stephen is that he needed to feel the pain I was going to put him through.  That my hurting him, was a way to discover some toxic relationship patterns that he had buried deep down inside of him.  As did I.  I took things out on him that I had held inside from past experiences.  I couldn’t fix these things because I was unaware of them in my present state.  I had to go through the emotions, to understand where they were coming from.  Then I had to feel the pain before I could start to repair the damage.  He had to get hurt, and he had to love me even though his heart got broken in order to realize what he has that’s caused his new state of happiness.

In the process of self improvement. You have to deconstruct before you can reconstruct

You have to feel the pain, shed the tears.  Break through all the bad stuff so you can start growing with a solid foundation from scratch.

This last year, I’ve learned alot about myself.  I’ve learned that I’m Polyamorous and Chelsea is my life partner.  It’s not what people think, we’ve never even had sex.  Her and I are going to build an empire together.  She loves me for who I am and wants only success and happiness for me and my children.  I want success and happiness for her for life.  We don’t care about being rich, we just have a common goal to live the happiest lives we can possibly live with the comfort to do what we please, when we please.  She’s an amazing nutritional chef and her food is bomb.  She’s working on her career and writing soothes my soul, so that’s what I’m doing.  I’m writing.  She’s cooking, but together, we have each others backs.

She will have love affairs and I will have love affairs.  One day she will meet “The One”.  When she does, she will want my approval because she knows that I can look right in his soul and see his intentions.  If he, or she in Chelsea’s case, is the one for her, I’ll know.  Their happiness will make me happy.  Just as one day, I will find my one.  When that person comes along, he will know Chelsea’s place in my life.  She is my life partner.  When he comes, he won’t be threatened by her because he will understand our love and only want to be a part of it. She will look right at him and know that he is perfect for me. Neither of us are against happily ever after, we just want a perfect love that seems not to exist.  If it does, that’s amazing….I can’t wait, shit bring it on, I’d love some adventure.  But if it doesn’t, that’s ok too! I have an endless, unselfish love with Chelsea and I will have many love affairs along the way.  All of them will be an important part of my spiritual journey.

This isn’t a statement saying I’m going whoring around either.  I’m only interested in complete chemistry.  If I don’t have butterflies, If you can’t leave an impression strong enough that you cross my mind when I’m not around you,  Jesus, If you can’t make me orgasm…. I don’t want it

🙂

All You Need Is Love….Self Love

 It’s the first day of the new year.  January 1st 2016.  I stayed in last night and began putting my book on paper.  The words just poured out of me.  Memory after memory, almost like I was in that moment.  Every detail was so very vivid.  I used to get choked up thinking back.  I know i’ve grown because I can relive the moment and not feel the pain anymore.  I can now tell my story without crying.  

 There’s one more thing I have to do before I enter this new phase of my life.  I have to get something off my chest.  It’s time to clean out my closet and be prepared, it’s pretty fucking filthy.  This post is for one person.  He doesn’t read my blog, or at least he pretends not to, and quite frankly I don’t care if he ever reads it.  My blog is for me. Writing is a form of meditation for me.  It allows me to release emotions that would otherwise lay dormant.  

 I have been incredibly patient with this man.  I’m talking about my ex husband.  You can ask anyone I know and they will tell you, I have not said anything bad about him since our divorce.  When I meet people who want to know my story, the first thing they say is, “does he help out”..  I shake my head no and the first thing I always do is stick up for him.   I explain how he is going through a hard time, and he’ll help when he can. It’s been 3 years, I’m done making excuses.  If people want to think you’re a dirtbag, guess what?  

If the shoe fits……….that’s all I can say.

 Here’s my annoyance, I have been nothing but a friend.  We got divorced and I swore to make it as civil as possible.  Not for me, not for you, but for our children.  I never wanted our disagreements to have any negative effect on the children.  Not to mention, I loved him as a friend before he was my husband so there’s no reason why after divorce, two people shouldn’t still remain friends.  I tried, believe me I tried.   Throughout everything I remained a friend.  I requested to not have child support.  I knew he was going through a tough time in life.  He was at rock bottom and I felt empathetic.  Although I was hurt, broken-hearted and had no idea what to do with my life, I put my feelings far away and listened to my friend.  He would call me with his bitching and moaning about whatever was pissing him off in life.  I would listen for hours and hours of complaining, his girl problems, life issues, hates his job….whatever and I would be an ear for him.  Offer any positive feedback I could conjure up to help him find some light in the darkness he was creating.  

 I never had a chance to check out… His adultery hit me like a ton of bricks, there was the separation where he was living with another woman.  I lived with his mom and dad because I had nowhere to go…

he wanted to work it out. I believed him…

he was fucking her at night and fucking me during the day…

in his parents home….

where I lived with our children, while he lived with her….

I thought he was living with a male room mate….

but I find out

and he chooses me.

 Why I didn’t leave then, I don’t know?  Why did I even want him back?  Because I loved him.  I loved him so deeply and did not love myself.  I thought I loved myself.  I didn’t. Looking back now I know I only loved him.  I didn’t know a life without him.  I threw myself into yoga and he went back to Afghanistan.  We were “working it out”. He never really came back.  He checked out years ago and when we divorced, I didn’t get to “check out”   I had the kids. I had to be mom, I had to be dad, I had to go back to a life I didn’t know how to live again.  I went from teaching yoga to children, ( I loved my job) to working in a gentleman’s club again.  

Do you know what that does to someones psyche? My first few months I would drive to work and just sit in the parking lot of the club and cry.  I couldn’t go in… I couldn’t be here again…….. I don’t want anyone to touch me!!!!!! how can I give a dance if I don’t want to be touched by a man??????  

Every time someone would ask me a personal question, I would feel the lump tightening in my throat.  I never had a chance to get depressed, I couldn’t lay around like a woman wants to do to get over a man.  

We need to close ourselves in a room with sad music, sad movies, ice cream, candles, bubblebath, nail polish and wine…..we sing and cry and scream and sleep and repeat listening to the same depressing songs that make us sing and cry and scream until you cry so much you start laughing, laughing out loud and it feels good….that is when you can move on.  I never got to shut down. He did, he was long gone before I even knew we had a problem.  

 So we’re over,

I’m dancing again and I can’t check out because I’m raising our children.  So I fake it until I make it….not until this past year was I ever ok.  I locked my feelings away in a box and put my emotions aside, supported our children and I still answered the fucking phone to listen to how he’s pissed off at his girlfriend because she is telling white lies to him….

WTF is your problem. You’re lying to her and you’re mad at her for doing what you’re doing….do you not see you have a serious problem…the world doesn’t revolve around you!

   So now he’s got himself a new girlfriend.  He’s convinced her to move here in Orlando and they now have a house together.  I, at first, was genuinely happy for him.  I told everyone that I was excited he was going to be closer to the boys, and how maybe now they would have some consistency.  I could schedule my work around his time with them and when I had them, I wouldn’t work.

 I would just be mom and spend quality one on one time together.  I liked this plan so I was happy he was moving here.  Then he breaks up with his girl…introduces the boys to another girl…breaks up with her….trys to get in my pants…. I reject him….next day girlfriend #1 is back…..

ok that s fine you want to make work…

good for you…

not so good…

she’s passed out and what does he do? Tells me that he’s been with a lot of women and he hasn’t found anyone who feels the way I feel…I tell him I don’t feel anything and he threatens me not to write about it….do you know what is the funniest part?  He was so drunk, the next day he had no recollection of the conversation.  His response, “well if I said it then I must mean it”

 I honestly wasn’t going to blog about it..

I only told my closest friends because I needed someone to talk to.  

If I wasn’t ok, If I hadn’t spent this past year teaching myself how to be 100% happy, finding self-love, I would not have been able to handle the emotional damage that he was trying to inflict on me.  The very next day they’re talking about moving in together…. now this is where I decided to air all the dirty laundry….. after everything I did to make sure we remained friends for the benefit of our children….He decides to take my kindness for weakness….he’s telling his friends and family that he doesn’t approve of my lifestyle and my choices that I make raising the children.  He is bribing my boys with gifts and promises of theme park tickets, and every single time they are alone with him, he asks them if they want to live with him….  My son came to me scared.  He said mom, “Dad keeps asking me if I want to live with him…. I want to live with you. I still want to see dad but I don’t want to live with him”

This mother fucker is giving my child anxiety while he’s bad mouthing me to everyone who will listen.  

Way to go dad. If you spent any amount of quality time with him, you would know how he feels. Instead you’re pissed I rejected you so you want everyone to see how concerned of a parent you are.  Two weeks having them you announce in front of them that their mother needs to fucking come get them….um ok….you didn’t fucking come get them for years..  

your mother helped me….

you know your mother right???

the one you talk so much shit about…

the one you said you are done with….

until you need something

 then your toasting with your mom on instagram…

what a happy family….huh?

Every single person who you spent Christmas with I’ve heard you, just in the last month say something mean and disrespectful about…. So if you think you can set up shop with a woman you told me you don’t love, and think you can buy the love of the children and bribe them out from under me, you have lost your mother fucking mind.   

Just because I’m not raising the boys to your standards, it doesn’t mean I’m not a good mother.   Our boys are loving, caring, compassionate, intelligent, polite, smart and witty.  Obviously I’m doing something right.  

So you want to run your mouth to all the people I heard you verbally disrespect, that’s fine with me.  Don’t say Merry Christmas this year when I have for you every year.  When I, every year put something under the tree for the kids and put your name on it…..

so they think you sent them something

don’t wish me a happy new year…  

It’s not like I haven’t talked to you every new year and wished you a happy new year

I’m a bitch right, that s what you’re telling them.

That’s exactly what you told me about Renee

It’s not like I haven’t been a true friend to you and only gave you advice that I knew was for your best interest. Not sugar-coating things for my benefit. So the next time I’m taking a shower and your girlfriend is not around…stay the fuck out of the bathroom.  You  don’t need to pull the shower curtain aside and say you just want to see my body…I don’t need you to tell me it looks good. I know it looks good.   I put blood sweat and tears into this body and it’s for my enjoyment, not yours!  

  Ahhhhh

Now I can breathe,

I can start 2016 with a fresh start.

I never wanted to go here with our personal shit,

but you brought the kids into it.

You played dirty,

What is you say, “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying”  

Remember, you taught me everything you know. So I know all your moves, but you never really knew me because you never allowed yourself to get to know me….so you have no idea of my full potential.

 Not only that, but I’m so incredibly happy internally, there’s nothing external that I need.  I’m good.  I love me and my boys love me.  Like the Beatles say, All you need is love

🙂

Finding my Way

Photo by Stephen Holvik

I find myself sitting inside an internet cafe this morning.  Sipping on my morning coffee, while waiting for my omelet to arrive. Of course I am utilizing the free wifi that is so very crucial with our generation of electronically controlled individuals.  I feel like I should be in Manhattan instead of Altamonte.

Damn have the past 24 hrs arisen a whirlwind of emotions.  Emotions that have been building up over the past few months.

May 1st, I packed up my house up and moved everything I wanted to keep into storage.  I never really felt at home in my home.  I paid bills there, but I didn’t live there.  All my time was spent on the road.

So after gaining the approval of my two children, I decided to go mobile.

One doesn’t realize how many times a day people ask you “where are you from?” until you aren’t from anywhere.

With the help of some amazing friends and my wonderful family members, we’ve always had somewhere to be. When we don’t, we have fun in hotels, campgrounds and vacation homes.

I plan to do this until I find a place that feels like home.  I don’t want to settle somewhere unless it is everything.  It just has to feel 100% right in every single way.

But for the past 24hrs the sadness is out of control.

There’s an event I’m invited to tonight and I’ve strategically put my outfit together already.  It’s something I always do.  No matter how big or small, I put thought into every wardrobe decision.

I like to stand in my closet and stare at my OCD organized wardrobe.  My clothes go from long sleeve to short in each color block.  Starting with Black, White, Grey, to the Rainbow colors and their variations, ending in beige and brown.

I miss my closet.. My closet was home

Where is home?

What is it I’m missing?

Is it a place?

A place from my past that I am longing to revisit.  A place I have yet to immerse myself into.  Am I going to find this place?

Is it a person?

Is it someone from my past my soul is missing?  Is it someone right in front of me, but I’m looking elsewhere and I can’t even see them?  Or is it someone I haven’t crossed paths with yet?

Where is home?

I know I will not get these answers at the moment.

Last night I was driving until I couldn’t drive anymore.  I pulled into a parking lot 5 minutes from my father’s house.  5 minutes from my children’s grandparents house where my boys are staying.

I didn’t want to go anywhere.  I felt as if I had nowhere to go.  In actuality I had many options.  Within a 10 mile radius, I had 7 family members and not sure how many friends.

I was lost

I needed to cry

I booked a hotel room so I could do just that.  I cried until I laughed and laughed until I cried and cried until I slept.

Upon waking up this morning I was feeling much better.  I still don’t know where I want to be.

I’m Okay with that for now

 It’s all about the journey anyways

The in between moments are the greatest as my new great friend has shown me.

It’s a new day and everyday is a new beginning

A fresh start!

🙂