It’s 7:48 according to my laptop and I’m not sure which timezone it’s refering to as i’ve spent my entire day traveling. My afternoon flight from St. John’s, Newfoundland sat on the runway for an entire hour before departing. The delay caused me and everyone else connecting in Halifax to miss our flights. Air Canada had already rerouted all passengers onto new flights and my departure to Ottawa boarded in 10 minutes. Leaving me 5 minutes to get to the gate and call my children. I haven’t eaten since I left the house and I’m hoping to have time to find food when I land in Ottawa. Hope is just as the word is defined because as I settle into my seat on flight 8637, the attendant announces, “due to weather and delays we do not have a flight plan and it will be about 20 minutes before we have our flight plan”. Finding food is the least of my concerns as I check my connecting ticket only to find it doesn’t leave until the morning. 6:45 am to be exact.
On my first flight from St. John’s to Halifax. I finished reading the book The Truth. I started reading it when I was last in St. John’s this August. It’s taken me longer to read this book than any normal book. Most books that intrigue me the way this one has I fly right through. The Truth has caused me to pause, reread, reflect, analyze, meditate, cry, laugh and most importantly I can relate. I relate to the author Neil. His journey is quite familiar to my journey of self-love. There’s a slight difference though. He goes on this quest or “adventures” as he calls them in search of his perfect relationship. I already experienced these adventures pre marriage as they were part of the lifestyle I lived. Post marriage took me to his final stage.
The stage is called Anhedonia. Anhedonia is defined in the book as “The dark place of not feeling, People feel dead in the place of anhedonia. They can’t experience joy.” After I ended my marriage I had a rebound relationship that was so quick my head was spinning like Meryl Streep in the movie Death Becomes Her. Within 3 months I had fallen in love, accepted a marriage proposal, realized his drug addiction, woke up from the addictive patterns and ended all contact. That rebound cause my almost year celibacy where I threw myself into what I’m now learing was Anhedonia. Upon breaking my celibacy was this wild odyssey that’s lead me to my place in life of complete self acceptance and clarity. I’m coming to terms with my own trauma. In the book, Neil asks his therapist why he has to go to that dark place and she responds, “Because in order to return to homeostasis and have any clarity on who you are and what you need, you have to detox from the intensity of these one-up, one-down relationships.” It makes complete sense to me as all my spiritual training comes from the framework of Ashtanga Yoga. As I’ve learned in Ashtanga you have to deconstruct before you can reconstruct. Just as the US military builds soldiers in boot camp, breaking them down completely as a human being and training them to be killing machines who put their country before themselves. It’s a form of brainwashing. Unlearning everything you are trained to belive and adopting a new way of being. Instead of learning to kill for my country, I learned to not feel for my heart.
A fragile heart is like a broken vase. You can glue it back together but it’s never completely whole again. One slip and it shatters to pieces. Every time you put it back together it’s an entirely different object. What I had to learn was my heart would never be the same heart I started with. Every time I put the pieces back together, it became a new heart.
As my heart began to heal, so did this desperate desire to help other people do the same. I pushed self-love on everyone I met. Psychoanalyzing them all and offering my suggestions. Some people are afraid of the truth. A lot of people feel the past needs to stay where it is, in the past. Many loved ones live in denial of their own trauma. I can’t help those who don’t wish to help themselves. I’m not certified to do so. I’m certified in yoga, that’s it. I have over a decade in spiritual studies and all I have to offer is my own life experience. I found this book and it has changed my life. It’s changed my life because it’s validated beliefs that deep down inside I’ve always known to be true. Beliefs I didn’t know how to express until now.
My entire life I’ve had a strong desire to help people. You know how people laugh at beauty pageants when the super plastic bombshell answers the question portion stating all she wants is world peace? That’s how I’ve felt as a stripper and a spiritual yogi. The two worlds are complete contradictions of each other. Until I found my balance I was mentally breaking down inside. Dealing with sociopaths, narcissists, alcoholics and sexist chauvinistics, I got to an angry place. I began masking it with marijuana and projecting it in the form of expressive sexuality. Claiming to be free, open and in control of my sexuality. Stating that my own self worth was so high I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. All the while lonely inside because no one understood me.
In the end of the book one line stood out and rang my internal aha bell. Niels therapist is having a breakdown caused from other therapists she works with who are using their degrees to project their own agendas. Not really helping people but instead, making them feel worse for seeking the help they desire. It reminds me of the strippers who sell their body in exchange for monetary gain and call their clients “tricks” in hopes to not feel their own shame. Making themselves feel better by putting themselves on a pedestal and the client beneath them. The line that struck my soul reads, “I believe that functional parenting is the secret to world peace. And the only way to make functional parents is to heal psychological wounds with the same urgency that we heal physical wounds” – Loraine from The Truth
Reading that, my anger with my ex makes more sense than ever. I can never be the parent my children need by hiding in fear.
You can’t leave the past in the past and hope it goes away. Things done in the dark always come to the light. You have to face your past. You have to break down completely and get to the raw core that is you. Only then can you build the framework of the life you wish to live. I find peace in this line as it resonates my soul. My path has already begun. I’ve lived through the worst part and now I am free. I’m free to help people because all I have to offer is my raw truth.
My story is one that so many others have lived in one way or another. My pain isn’t different than the next persons pain. That is how I can help, by showing them they are not alone. I’ve gone through the darkness and came out on the other side happy. I love myself and I want everyone else to feel that love for themselves.
I write this and reflect on my past two years. I’ve recently become aggravated with strangers messaging me. They want to get to know me. They want to take me out. I couldn’t understand why it constantly upset me. Every single one of them pursuing my social media yet fail to read my blog. This fact pisses me off. I tried putting my ego in check. I tried telling myself they don’t have to read my blog but my stubborn Taurus self says “yes they do!” If they really and I mean really want to get to know me, they would take the time to get to know me. Telling me they’ll take me to dinner in hopes to get “romantic” as one guys says, doesn’t cut it for me. I’ve done all the hard work for you. I put my dirty little secrets out there on the world-wide web and if they can’t take the time to click on a link, I don’t want to take the time to respond to the hundred “Hey” messages.
My final thought from the book The Truth comes from Loraine as well. From what I’ve read, she’s the kind of woman I aspire to be. She tells Neil to get rid of all his contacts, all the women he’s slept with or wished to sleep with if he wants to change his ways. She questions, “is it possible to live your authentic life if you have inauthentic people around you?” WHOA that hits me like a ton a bricks. I put two years into my social media. Traveling, Tindering, photo shoots, Instagram, making contacts, networking, passing out business cards. Two years and I’m aggravated. 3000 plus followers and about 200 loyal readers. The numbers don’t add up and it’s the core of my frustration. I want people to follow me because what I have to say resonates somewhere within them. I had this belief that every follower was a potential book sale when I got to that point. Then I have my epiphany sitting in an airport in Ottawa, overnight on a layover. If they won’t read a free published article, they won’t buy my book. The harassment is not true to my authentic self. If they just want to look at my sexually expressive photos, they can go to my Instagram where I’ll continue to artistically push my boundaries.
I feel a purge coming on. A complete detox in order to get myself closer than I’ve ever experienced with my authentic self. Like Guruji, the teacher responsible for Ashtanga Yoga, says “do your practice and all is coming.” For me that translates to, keep writing and the proper followers will come. Save the dragons for the thirsty fame seekers.
Random Acts of Candice 