All Is Coming

It’s 7:48 according to my laptop and I’m not sure which timezone it’s refering to as i’ve spent my entire day traveling.  My afternoon flight from St. John’s, Newfoundland sat on the runway for an entire hour before departing.  The delay caused me and everyone else connecting in Halifax to miss our flights.  Air Canada had already rerouted all passengers onto new flights and my departure to Ottawa boarded in 10 minutes. Leaving me 5 minutes to get to the gate and call my children.  I haven’t eaten since I left the house and I’m hoping to have time to find food when I land in Ottawa.  Hope is just as the word is defined because as I settle into my seat on flight 8637, the attendant announces, “due to weather and delays we do not have a flight plan and it will be about 20 minutes before we have our flight plan”. Finding food is the least of my concerns as I check my connecting ticket only to find it doesn’t leave until the morning. 6:45 am to be exact.

On my first flight from St. John’s to Halifax. I finished reading the book The Truth.  I started reading it when I was last in St. John’s this August.  It’s taken me longer to read this book than any normal book.  Most books that intrigue me the way this one has I fly right through. The Truth has caused me to pause, reread, reflect, analyze, meditate, cry, laugh and most importantly I can relate.  I relate to the author Neil.  His journey is quite familiar to my journey of self-love.  There’s a slight difference though. He goes on this quest or “adventures” as he calls them in search of his perfect relationship.  I already experienced these adventures pre marriage as they were part of the lifestyle I lived. Post marriage took me to his final stage.  

The stage is called Anhedonia.  Anhedonia is defined in the book as “The dark place of not feeling, People feel dead in the place of anhedonia. They can’t experience joy.”  After I ended my marriage I had a rebound relationship that was so quick my head was spinning like Meryl Streep in the movie Death Becomes Her.  Within 3 months I had fallen in love, accepted a marriage proposal, realized his drug addiction, woke up from the addictive patterns and ended all contact.  That rebound cause my almost year celibacy where I threw myself into what I’m now learing was Anhedonia. Upon breaking my celibacy was this wild odyssey that’s lead me to my place in life of complete self acceptance and clarity.  I’m coming to terms with my own trauma.  In the book, Neil asks his therapist why he has to go to that dark place and she responds, “Because in order to return to homeostasis and have any clarity on who you are and what you need, you have to detox from the intensity of these one-up, one-down relationships.”  It makes complete sense to me as all my spiritual training comes from the framework of Ashtanga Yoga.  As I’ve learned in Ashtanga you have to deconstruct before you can reconstruct.  Just as the US military builds soldiers in boot camp, breaking them down completely as a human being and training them to be killing machines who put their country before themselves.  It’s a form of brainwashing.  Unlearning everything you are trained to belive and adopting a new way of being. Instead of learning to kill  for my country, I learned to not feel for my heart.

A fragile heart is like a broken vase.  You can glue it back together but it’s never completely whole again. One slip and it shatters to pieces.  Every time you put it back together it’s an entirely different object. What I had to learn was my heart would never be the same heart I started with.  Every time I put the pieces back together, it became a new heart.

As my heart began to heal, so did this desperate desire to help other people do the same.  I pushed self-love on everyone I met.  Psychoanalyzing them all and offering my suggestions.  Some people are afraid of the truth.  A lot of people feel the past needs to stay where it is, in the past.  Many loved ones live in denial of their own trauma.  I can’t help those who don’t wish to help themselves.  I’m not certified to do so.  I’m certified in yoga, that’s it.  I have over a decade in spiritual studies and all I have to offer is my own life experience.  I found this book and it has changed my life.  It’s changed my life because it’s validated beliefs that deep down inside I’ve always known to be true. Beliefs I  didn’t know how to express until now. 

My entire life I’ve had a strong desire to help people.  You know how people laugh at beauty pageants when the super plastic bombshell answers the question portion stating all she wants is world peace? That’s how I’ve felt as a stripper and a spiritual yogi.  The two worlds are complete contradictions of each other. Until I found my balance I was mentally breaking down inside.  Dealing with sociopaths, narcissists, alcoholics and sexist chauvinistics, I got to an angry place. I began masking it with marijuana and projecting it in the form of expressive sexuality. Claiming to be free, open and in control of my sexuality.  Stating that my own self worth was so high I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. All the while lonely inside because no one understood me.

In the end of the book one line stood out and rang my internal aha bell.  Niels therapist is having a breakdown caused from other therapists she works with who are using their degrees to project their own agendas.  Not really helping people but instead, making them feel worse for seeking the help they desire.  It reminds me of the strippers who sell their body in exchange for monetary gain and call their clients “tricks” in hopes to not feel their own shame.  Making themselves feel better by putting themselves on a pedestal and the client beneath them. The line that struck my soul reads, “I believe that functional parenting is the secret to world peace.  And the only way to make functional parents is to heal psychological wounds with the same urgency that we heal physical wounds” – Loraine from The Truth

Reading that, my anger with my ex makes more sense than ever. I can never be the parent my children need by hiding in fear.

You can’t leave the past in the past and hope it goes away. Things done in the dark always come to the light. You have to face your past.  You have to break down completely and get to the raw core that is you.  Only then can you build the framework of the life you wish to live.  I find peace in this line as it resonates my soul.  My path has already begun.  I’ve lived through the worst part and now I am free. I’m free to help people because all I have to offer is my raw truth.  

My story is one that so many others have lived in one way or another. My pain isn’t different than the next persons pain.  That is how I can help, by showing them they are not alone.  I’ve gone through the darkness and came out on the other side happy.  I love myself and I want everyone else to feel that love for themselves.

I write this and reflect on my past two years.  I’ve recently become aggravated with strangers messaging me.  They want to get to know me. They want to take me out.  I couldn’t understand why it constantly upset me.  Every single one of them pursuing my social media yet fail to read my blog.  This fact pisses me off.  I tried putting my ego in check. I tried telling myself they don’t have to read my blog but my stubborn Taurus self says “yes they do!”  If they really and I mean really want to get to know me, they would take the time to get to know me.  Telling me they’ll take me to dinner in hopes to get “romantic” as one guys says, doesn’t cut it for me.  I’ve done all the hard work for you.  I put my dirty little secrets out there on the world-wide web and if they can’t take the time to click on a link, I don’t want to take the time to respond to the hundred “Hey” messages.

My final thought from the book The Truth comes from Loraine as well.  From what I’ve read, she’s the kind of woman I aspire to be. She tells Neil to get rid of all his contacts, all the women he’s slept with or wished to sleep with if he wants to change his ways.  She questions, “is it possible to live your authentic life if you have inauthentic people around you?” WHOA that hits me like a ton a bricks.  I put two years into my social media.  Traveling, Tindering, photo shoots, Instagram, making contacts, networking, passing out business cards.  Two years and I’m aggravated.  3000 plus followers and about 200 loyal readers.  The numbers don’t add up and it’s the core of my frustration.  I want people to follow me because what I have to say resonates somewhere within them. I had this belief that every follower was a potential book sale when I got to that point. Then I have my epiphany sitting in an airport in Ottawa, overnight on a layover.  If they won’t read a free published article, they won’t buy my book.  The harassment is not true to my authentic self. If they just want to look at my sexually expressive photos, they can go to my Instagram where I’ll continue to artistically push my boundaries.

I feel a purge coming on.  A complete detox in order to get myself closer than I’ve ever experienced with my authentic self.  Like Guruji, the teacher responsible for Ashtanga Yoga, says “do your practice and all is coming.”  For me that translates to, keep writing and the proper followers will come. Save the dragons for the thirsty fame seekers.

Come Ride With Me

photo by Chris Schultz

Good Evening

I just experienced the most incredible wave of emotions ranging from completely euphoric crashing all the way into tears.  It was so profound that I would like to share my thoughts and take you along for the ride.  That is if you can handle it?  I hold nothing back and in my experiences, the truth is something most can’t handle.

Lately it seems as if every obstacle has gotten me closer to where I envision myself going.  It’s a feeling hard to describe because nothing in my life is going as planned.  The alternate route’s I’m embarking upon are so much better. The craziest part is they were not my immediate plans, but instead outcomes of ideas forgotten.  Seeds are sprouting all over the place that I once planted and subconsciously continued to water.

This particular afternoon sprouts were busting through and flowers were blooming.  Messages dinging left and right, one after another all positive and all aligned with my intentions.

Chelsea says she’s excited I’ve found a mentor to direct my scattered energy and wants to meet him.  She follows with “It might be too small time here for him, no?”

I told her that’s exactly what he’s going to like about it.  I can’t wait to get back on the rock and recharge my soul with all the small time positive vibes.

She afterwards goes, “Ya men love anything we love lol” and it hits me.  They do and I respond with why.  “Because we are just being ourselves and that is rare and authentic…they want that, men crave that and not too many women know how to be just themselves.”

This statement goes both ways as well.

In the beginning of a relationship people create a false them.  They feel they need to act or be a certain way for that particular person to like them.  When you’re tired of the act, you begin to resent that person for not liking you for you. When in reality, if you would have been yourself from the beginning, that person would have saw the real you. Then you two would have had a mutual understanding on whether there was a connection or not.  Also in being yourself you are allowing that perfect person who is going to like you for you to come into your life, instead of missing an opportunity for greatness by wasting time living a lie. And being unhappy in the process.

When two like souls come together. Two beings who are authentic within themselves.  Eternal self love radiates into love energy.  A bond is created that can withstand any obstacle.  That is a twin flame connection.  Not soulmates, but like souls.  Two of the same soul.

You’ll have many soul mates along your path, but when the lesson is learned, you should part ways in peace.

So to answer the timeless question

“Why can I never find the right person?”
Because…..You have to find out who YOU are FIRST

Then you have to fall  in love with yourself, only then can you find your perfect person, because every person you meet until then is meeting your portrayal of yourself!

In discovering myself, I’ve learned I have two extremes.

My spiritual side is one; and I want to help people.  Everyone is equal to me and I want to save humanity.  That’s a big statement for such a small person.  I know this.  I’m well aware and I also don’t care.

That’s my other extreme.  I don’t care.  I don’t care about the norm.  I don’t care what society thinks. I love smashing stereotypes. I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone.  I just like what I like.  I want to live a happy, healthy and free life.

Yes I do reference my sexual expression when I say free.  I want to be free in all senses, but sexuality is something that I’m very passionate about.  The sex industry, which I’m about to elaborate on, is one of the most beneficial and under appreciated industries in our society.

Recently my mentor asked me to pick a direction to focus on so I can begin to attract the appropriate target audience.  See my stripper books and dancing require a specific image.  Yet my yoga and my spirituality and the self love image I want to show the world requires a more wholesome approach.

My answer

“I’m going to do it all…..and I’m going to be me…..and not change anything about myself”

His eyebrows raise and his smile shows me he likes my determination.  He also is a professional at building careers and has seen how image can make or break a deal.

Here’s the thing, I don’t want it unless It’s me I’m selling.

Remember that statement about the sex industry?

Here’s the very core of what is wrong with our society.  From the beginning we are programmed to believe that anything that feels good is wrong and those who indulge are bad.

I love being a dancer.  Not for the 90% of disrespectful encounters.

5% The girls….I’ve met some of the most amazingly intelligent, creative, humble, artistic, loving, worldly vixens who choose to embrace their sexuality.  Own their beauty, make good money and live happy lives in doing so.

5% The guys….I’ve also met some of the most kind, loving, caring, genuine, souls who are sad, lonely, in need of companionship.  They seek solitude inside a gentlemen’s club because in there, there’s no judgement.

Sexuality is embraced.  A woman can feel good about herself.  A man can enjoy her beauty.  It is natural law.

We all crave the same thing……*connections*

Here’s where the judgement comes in and the sadness crashes my wave.

Average society will indulge, but not respect.

A man will date a girl who dances and call her a whore to his friends.  The only reason she’s a whore is because she’s living a lie.  She’s trapped in a false reality where you like her and she’s doing everything to show you how much she likes you. Deep down inside you like it, that’s why you keep coming back.  You just don’t want anyone else to know you like it.  There’s that programming again.

Hindering your own happiness

Do you know what we all have in common?  Every single human, even children use this one natural pleasure to relive stress and discomfort.

Do you know what that is?

It’s sex……SEXUAL PLEASURE

Even kids dry hump their toys. It just feels good and it’s not wrong.

Whether it’s masterbation, making love to your partner, fucking your whore, licking your lesbian lover, taking turns with your boyfriend on whose turn it is to catch and receive ….unless you have a celibate vow to GOD, when you can’t think, you fuck.

BUT

Etched into your cerebral is the feeling of guilt.  Since what feels good is wrong, we can do it, but we shouldn’t be proud of it.  We shouldn’t flaunt it.  I get hate messages all the time from men who think I flaunt my sexuality.  I’m just expressing what I love and following my passions. They add me because they obviously see something they like. When they don’t get the response they expect, they feel rejection.  That rejection causes ego to lash out in a form of self defense.  When, if you loved yourself, you wouldn’t care if I had your attention or not because you’d know your worth. You’d want ONLY the one who saw that worth.

You would respect me for me and I’d respect you for you.

It’s normal to see something beautiful and respect it without having it. That desire to take is where your suffering lies.

When people feel guilty they pass judgements on the ones who are living the way they wish they could live.

The reality is those people are sad.  They long to be happy.  So many people spend so much time and money on the pursuit of happiness

It’s so easy.  Just be yourself.  It’s so easy that people can’t do it.  That makes me sad.

I wish I could show people how simple it is to just love yourself.

I’m so overwhelmed with melancholy thinking about all the people who suffer because they just can’t put their fears aside and live the life their heart desires.

The biggest compliment I have ever received from anyone was a man I met two years ago.  I forgot his name or where we met.  He was so intrigued by the depth of our conversation,  he then told me that I remind him of the girl from the movie, The Fifth Element.

I was so excited he said that.  Confused by the smile in my eyes, he wanted to know why I took it as a compliment.  What he meant was, I am different that anyone he’s met.  Then I told him my interpretation.

🙂

The Fifth Element represents love…….Earth, Air, Wind, Fire and LOVE.  If I can BE love, than my life is complete ❤

Mental Slavery Is Abuse

I

Looking back on my 10 year relationship and 7 year marriage, I realize I was a victim of mental slavery.  I was in an abusive relationship and I had no idea.  He didn’t lay a hand on me ever, the abuse was mental.  He played mind games that kept me feeling like I was never enough.  I was always making excuses for him when friends and family would ask me questions relating.  See, I knew he loved me and I’m such a hopeless romantic that I believed love would conquer all.  

But sometimes love isn’t enough!

 I’ll go back to the beginning to give you all some perspective.  I met my husband in junior high school.  I had a huge crush on him throughout highschool.  We were all friends in the same circle.  We kissed in the 10th grade and dated one time before he left for the Army.  He joined the military after highschool and I moved to Miami.  A few years later he was getting deployed to Iraq and asked me if  I would write to him.  So I did.  Our love evolved over the months of exchanging letters.  A year later he was coming home and wanted to be with me. He had another wife at the time, but I didn’t care.  I loved him and he loved me.  I wanted the life he sold me in my letters.  I didn’t care about anything else.  We were inseparable at in the beginning.

 He had a very high sex drive, higher than most men. I know this because I’ve had my fair share of men in my time.  I thought, at first it was because he was in Iraq for a year without the touch of a woman’s body.  Things changed when we were living together.  Years went on and he still wanted to have sex multiple times a day even after doing it everyday.  At first I would just do it.  I faked orgasm after orgasm, year after year to keep my husband happy.  I ended up loosing my sex drive because I was sexually burnt out.  Slowly, I started telling him how I felt. Thinking to myself he was my husband and he would understand.  His response was that he wanted to feel wanted and I didn’t want him the way he wanted me. He didn’t feel wanted because I didn’t crave him.   I tried to explain that he didn’t give me the time to want him.

This went on for a few years.  Faking orgasms until I couldn’t anymore.  Speaking up caused arguments and me feeling guilty for not wanting him.  How could I not want him when I loved him so much? I questioned myself over and over again.  Crying at night when he was sound asleep.  I would compensate in other ways when my sex drive was absent.  Our house was always immaculate.  Dinner tasted restaurant quality if not better.  The boys were well taken care of and I always looked perfect upon leaving the house.  You would never catch me grocery shopping in sweatpants.  (I do now)

By this time I was well aware of his alcohol addiction.  I never brought it up because it would be an argument.  I tried to trick him into quitting.  Working out together worked for two weeks.  Then I told him that he smelled and tasted so much better when he wasn’t drinking.  He didn’t quit he just drank more pineapple juice to mask the bitter taste on his semen.  If I wasn’t fucking him, he wanted me suck him. “You’re my wife, why should I have to masturbate?” was his comeback line. Friends and family were concerned about his drinking and I made excuses for him.  He had cheated multiple times and I always took him back.  

All I saw was the man I fell in love with. Again I made excuses for him.  I lied to my family and I lied to myself.  I was blinded to the truth.  I even gave everything up and moved to Puerto Rico hoping island life and it’s magic would fix our broken marriage.  It didn’t though.  3 months later I took the boys and left him on the island.  The truth is, I can never be happy with him because he broke me years ago.  I need to love myself.  I’m finally loving life again.  Very slowly.  I know who I am now, or at least who I want to be. I’m being true to myself this time.  Never again will I let anyone make me feel like I’m not enough.  I will never again fake another orgasm!