Cheers!

The Holidays are here and the pressure is real.  The expectation to consume alcohol in a social setting is amplified this time of year.  Have you ever felt content avoiding the hangover and just saying no? Have those around you acted disappointed? Time and time again this can create feelings of rejection causing you to just go with the flow.

The quote  “never trust a man who isn’t drinking” is a prime example of a mentality too many people have. Why does one have to indulge to gain trust? Business all around the world is conducted with this state of mind. Trust should be gained by demonstration of integrity.  Standing by your intention is a prime example of integrity.  Someone drinking for acceptance is a weak link.  That is someone I wouldn’t trust or chose to do business with.

Building a social circle designed to nurture your intent is everything.

I know this guy we call Kyle.  Kyle is the town drunk.  He’s hilarious, sweet, endearing and downright wild.  This is a heafty reputation to live up to, but Kyle often wants to feel good and get sober.  Imagine his crowds dismay the day he arrives clean, calm and collective.  It’s a rocky road the first few weeks of this transition.  With zero support from your social circle this journey can feel hopeless. Relapse is inevitable and the insanity continues.

So many people struggle with body image and drink to feel better about themselves.  If only the world would realize how quickly they would see results by eliminating daily consumption of alcohol.  Alcohol is an enormous source of carbs and sugars.  It’s typical for people to indulge in a lighter beer in order to avoid carbs or intoxication.  However, having several “light” beers is entirely the culprit.  Even though a buzz gives you a temporary escape, any form of daily activity will do just the same.  Endorphins make you happy, while burning  unwanted fat.  This buzz will last a lifetime without the hangover.

I have a friend who really likes cycling.  He’s spent a lifetime struggling to quit drinking.  He found sobriety with the support of alcoholics anonymous.  He recently returned to Florida to visit friends who were familiar with his old ways.  His desire to be polite to his host caused him to relapse, leaving him feeling disappointed with himself.  After a week of drinking he confided in me and we went to lunch.  Out of routine, he felt the need to order a glass of wine.  I asked him, “Is this really what you want”?  He admitted it wasn’t and sincerely thanked me.  That realization inspired this blog. We have a beautiful friendship and the ocean view lunch was sensational.  Who needs a drink?

I myself often order a drink when everyone else is.  Even though I left the house saying, “I’m not drinking this time.”  I do it just to avoid being centered out.  The debate is redundant. 

Who likes a sober stripper? We’re expected to be fun and free of our inhibitions. Our society relies on alcohol for the confidence to let loose!  How could a sober stripper be perceived as fun?  “Want to go have some fun?” is often the exchange between patron and dancer.  Followed by “what are you drinking?” Society can’t seem to conceive of sober sexuality. I find it exciting when I find a confident man who doesn’t need alcohol to feel comfortable. That is my idea of the male unicorn..haha.. this type of man is a huge turn on. For me personally,  drinking makes me sleepy and irritable, but when I turn down shots from the masses, I loose the image of fun girl. What’s interesting about that is, I am a lot more fun sober.

Chelsea has spent this past year transforming from Wile E Cyotee girl into a seriously seductive business woman. However this doesn’t appeal to a lot of the clientele. Leaving her drinking past behind has been liberating and taught her a few things. Mainly she admits that habitual drinking heightens your tolerance and allows you to function contently for the time being. She goes on to admit to me, “that hangovers set me back so much that a few drinks on an occasional night have become extremely uninteresting.” Chelsea reflects on what she refers to as “professional drinking” and points out that, “unless you’re doing it everyday it’s not as easy to sustain.” Realistically,  who can drink everyday forever and expect to have the life they truly desire?  Once you figure out your ambitions and find the confidence to go after them, a sober state of mind is a must.

I find that as a sober dancer, I often lose money by refusing a drink.  Chelsea has taught me to fake the Patron with a snifter full of water.  The bartenders find it comical.  I fear scrutiny if I’m caught “faking it” so I’ve adopted a more honest solution.  I say, “I’m so hot right now, I really need a water, can I cool down first?”  Then 90% of the time they realize we are already having fun and loose sight of whether I’m having a drink or not.

Tomorrow is Christmas morning and not everyone is going to be surrounded by love and family. That’s ok! Think about your life and those few things you’ve always wanted to do.  Figure out a plan.  Organize your calender.  Reflect and tell yourself it’s ok to be sober.  There’s a huge fitness focused array of communities out there waiting for you.  The number one thing I’ve taken from everyone’s stories is that you need support to achieve your goals.  No matter what they are, so seek out and find others who are living the lifestyle you aspire to have.

Guess what taste really good in a wine glass?  Koumbacha…repairs your gut drink responsibly 😉

All I Want For Christmas

Photo taken by Stephen Holvik in Savannah Georgia.

Hello world.  Christmas is coming and let’s just all face it.  It’s stressful.  It’s even more stressful as a parent.  Kids have everything these days.  It’s the “keeping up with the jones'” world we live in and if you don’t have the newest technology, you quickly fall behind. Gift giving is no longer about the joy of giving.  Parents feel the pressure to produce and that causes unnecessary anxiety.

At work last night I met this guy from Bermuda.  He came over to the stage to tip me and I was already exiting my set.  I went over to speak to him after I said all my thank yous.  We had a brief conversation that lead to the topic of Christmas. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said “nothing really”.  He follows with, “you must have someone buying you everything you want?”  I felt a little defensive because that’s not the case at all.  In fact last year I was bummed and feeling the Holiday blues that so many single people feel.  I haven’t gotten anything for Christmas in years and I really haven’t given much thought about it.  I get my joy from being able to spoil my kids. When I’m shopping for someone else, and I know it’s exactly what they want, it feels good inside.  But then he goes on to asking me about my kids.  I tell him that they are going to their grandmas this year and spending Christmas with their father.  He goes, “Is that going to be hard for you, not being with them?”  I didn’t want to say yes.  I’m at work and need to be “ON”.  As an entertainer, you need to be fun, happy, sexy…..you know entertaining.  Sad strippers don’t make money I always say.  So I gave him my speil about how Christmas is just another day and as long as the kids are happy then I’m happy.  I said, “besides, the magic of Christmas is not what it used to be.  Corporate America has turned it into a marketing scheme and no matter what you buy, people aren’t happy and really ungrateful.”  He tells me I sound like a Scrooge.  That really threw me off.  Me, A Scrooge?? I’m miss positivity herself!  My ex once threatened, “I’m sick of your positive shit, I want a divorce.” when I was trying to get him to look on the bright side of something.

The conversation was brief as he had to get back to his business partner, but it wasn’t over for me.  It still continued to haunt my thoughts.  Afterwards I went into the dj booth to sip my Cafe con leche I had stashed away for when I needed a pick me up.  I’m still in my thoughts so I scan the room while I reflect.  All of a sudden I feel tears wanting to escape  as I look at each face amongst the crowd.  It was already a tough crowd, not spending and just buying drinks.  Once the tears start, any dancer knows it’s all down hill from there. So I swallowed them down with my coffee and shook it off.

Why didn’t I say what was really on my mind?

That I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to handle not having my kids for Christmas.

My boys dad is coming to visit them. Given the current state of our non friendship relationship, I think it’s best that I give them all the space they need to enjoy being children with zero hostility. That left me with the question of what to do now?  I was bummed last year and the previous year with being single.  My kids filled that void and their excitement made me quickly forget not having a significant other.

Now I will be all alone, so I guess you can say I’ve been somewhat Scroogie about the whole thing.

I talk to Chelsea about everything and we had a long conversation about her first Christmas without her daughter.  She suggested flying me to the ice box so I can spend my week with all the positive support I will need.  Food, friends, chick flix and bonfires sounds like the perfect therapy. I was hesitant to say yes because I hate how this picture may yet again be painted out as a scene of me leaving my boys.  I can’t bear to sacrifice my happiness at this state of my life where I’m building a foundation based on living in happiness.

“Who cares what he thinks,” I tell myself

My kids are happy!

They are excited to see grandma.  Grandma is excited to see them.  They can’t wait to see their dad. I’m sure he is just as excited to see them. So why should I be unhappy?  Being around him will make me uncomfortable and edgy.  I’ll want to smoke to block him out and I quit.  I don’t want to put myself in that situation.

So I talked to the kids.  I asked them how they felt about me going to Newfoundland for the week.  Andrew, with his I’m left out complex, says “I thought I was going to Canada the next time you go?”  I said, “you are going to go see your dad for Christmas”…and he goes, “Ummmmmmm maybe I’ll go next time!”  with a big smile on his face.  Gabe already knew I wasn’t going to be around that week so he was happy for me. Gabe worries too much about making everyone else happy.  I assured him I was fine, and we hugged out the biggest bear hug ever.

I gave Chelsea the green light and just like that she booked my ticket.

As a child I came from a divorced home and spent many Christmas’s without one parent or the other.  My ex has missed most of the boys holidays.  This is something parents all over the world have and still are battling.  That empty feeling of not having your children on the one day that is all about love and family.  All of you who have done it and continue to do it, I have nothing but respect and I send my love your way. From the bottom of my heart I feel your pain.

I still don’t know how I’m going to feel as the day gets closer

I need my girls, I need my sisters, I need my soul tribe

I’m thankful for the people I call friends.  They are my family.  They are my family and they are my boy’s family.  I love them and my children love them.

Thinking about the question again, what do I want for Christmas?

I know what I want. I want everyone to feel love.  In some form or another, I want the world to smile.  Not a fake smile holding back pain and anger like we all are too familiar with.  A smile from the heart.  Whether it’s from giving or receiving, I want the world to feel gratitude and love. That is all I want for Christmas

❤

Still Waters Run Deep

“The soul has no secret that the behaviour does not reveal” Lao Tzu

That is exactly how I felt last night.  I was invited over John’s house for dinner with him, Jamie and John’s “girl” Ana.  The setting was beautiful as the Christmas decorations were in the process of being displayed.  On the table awaited our most delicious Caprice salads, (and I felt so bad when I saw John’s face from my not eating tomatoes) while John seared Tuna Steaks outside on the grill. Everything was wonderful except for me.    I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t enjoy myself and I couldn’t stop the volcano of emotions erupting inside my head.  Just the slightest comment was all it took to push me over the edge and let go of the tears I spent the entire evening pretending to suppress.

My emotional weight has been incredibly heavy over the past few weeks and I’ve done everything imaginable to get to the source.  Instead, I found myself sad when circumstances are happy and angry when I have no reason to even feel upset. I tried yoga, meditation, eating chocolate, orgasm, exercise, talking to friends; everything I would suggest to someone asking me for help.  Still I can’t hide the frustration.

In attempt to get to the root of my melancholy state I began to construct this blog post.  Formatting my paragraphs inside my head while I reflected on every thought.  Hoping to process my reaction to the thoughts.

When one begins the journey to their higher self. Renovations need to happen, walls get knocked down and memories that were hidden deep into your cerebral suddenly are set free.  When you set those imprinted emotions free, you physically have to feel the emotion again.  So if the memory was happy, you’ll sense a euphoric feeling when you uncover that once lost moment.  But if the memory is sad, you too become sad.  Until you face whatever it is you are hiding, that sadness will linger.

Lately everything is upsetting me.  I’m frustrated with work, and my finances.  I’m irritated with rental cars.  I’m unwilling to follow through with anything and my resentment towards my children makes me ashamed to even admit it. They want, need and deserve so much and I’m only one person.  I want to write, I want to paint, I want to spend hours do nothing but exploring the world with my children.  I need to relax, I want fun, I have to work…. I go to work and lets say I meet an asshole, I use every bit of my positive energy to erase him from my aura and start over.  Seven hours later in 7 inch stilettos, after 3 people have tried to touch under my underwear or asked me “what goes on in the champagne room?”  I’m emotionally spent and aggravated with my job and feel I’m not compensated enough for the energy I put in.  Then I get pissed at the girls who so easily sell their bodies and their souls and have it all.  I’m struggling to maintain my morals, sending compassion to the women who don’t have it for themselves. Yet I see them with what I just can’t get to and I wonder “It’s just sex, I did it with my husband when I didn’t want to”  and that thought makes me angry with myself.  I love my life traveling, but I’m tired of my suitcase and I miss having a closet.  I’m hard on myself when I know I should be reading with the boys but I just need an hour of sleep.  All these emotions weren’t here 4 weeks ago.  There was a trigger and until my drive to John’s house, I was unaware of what that was.

It was a phone call from Gabriel, my son, while I was camping at Boyd’s during the Key West power boat races.  The day started with rain and I had put all of Heather and my blankets into the car.  It was pouring and the tent my dad lent me didn’t have a rain guard.  Already frustrated because Heather and I had just had a conversation about cutting our losses and leaving the races due to repetitive bad nights. It’s pouring rain, I ‘m sitting in the car burning sage to clear my mood and my phone rings.  Gabe is nervous and doesn’t want to tell me why.  He says, “Did dad tell you?”  I’m like, “tell me what?”  and he goes, “Nevermind”.  Now i’m irritated with him because I hate when people say nevermind.  It’s like dangling chocolate in front of a women on her “Red Dragon”!!!  I make him tell me and I find out that my ex husband and father of my children just introduced them to his new girlfriend.  That wouldn’t be a big deal for a normal ex.  Not mine.  This is number four and he just left the last one a month ago after my kids spent the summer with them and her son. Another girlfriend wouldn’t be so bad either because I do want him to be happy.  I recently just complimented him on his current employment.  I told him that I’m so glad he’s doing something that makes him happy.  And then I’m smacked in the face with this.  She’s 19.  19 and pregnant.  I don’t feel an emotion right away and I do my best to say the right things to Gabriel.   The phone call ends and I smoke myself  to sleep with a serenade of rain pouring on the hood of my rental car, a meditation mantra cd of shanti mantras, sage and nag champa burning in the ac vent. The windows are cracked so the fresh rain scent allows me to breathe just enough without causing the rain to soak my skin.  My Ganesha statue that I received as a gift from my dear friend Jayesh sits on my dashboard. The emotion is instantly locked away and buried so fast I never knew it affected me.  I was proud of myself for dealing with that so well.  I even woke up to a rainbow over the crystal clear turquoise sea on the beach of our ocean front campsite.

A few days later Gabriel called me again.  This time he says, “Dad wants to know if you’re going to put anything in your blog.”  Apparently he is concerned about his ex girlfriend finding out before he could say anything to her himself.  I had a few sarcastic comments but I was in control enough to only say them in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Instead I told him to tell his father, “mom says not my monkies, not my circus”.  I didn’t understand why he was concerned about my blog when he just put a picture on Instagram of the new girl with the kids?  It didn’t make any sense to me and I again brushed it off.

I did talk to my closest friends about it.  I didn’t call my family because they get all worked up and every time insist I take him back to court to get child support.  I’m entitled they say.  I tell them the same thing everytime, “you can’t get blood from a turnip”. When I got divorced I insisted on having full rights and responsibilities in exchange for my complete freedom! I wanted nothing in return and I denied child support.   For 10 years I watched him not pay child support to the previous ex-wife.  Always justifying it by stating, we were broke and needed our money for living expenses. Saying things like, she has plenty of money and my daughter is fine…he’d go on by boasting she’s taking vacations and shopping, she doesn’t need to take our money when we need to buy food.  I would see his point.  When people asked me why he didn’t pay child support to his ex, I’d explain it the way he explained it to me and I would make them believe what I chose to believe.

For as long as I can remember I made excuses for him.  I told myself that I would love him unconditionally and no matter what happened I wanted him to be happy.  So every time something hurt me, I locked it away and tried to control my emotions. I tried to love myself by setting him free.  It worked. I did set him free.  I no longer am in love with him.  When he does something that used to hurt me, I only feel sad for him.  I do want him to be happy and I do want him to have a successful relationship.  I believe we all deserve that but will never have that until we clean out and face all of our own shit.

I thought I was angry because just when I might have gotten a tiny bit of financial help, the Universe says just kidding. Knowing he now has a job he likes gave me hope. That is something I thought would never happen. I thought I was angry because I still believed he would start helping when he could…..and once again he can’t.

Now he has to take care a of a child having a child. The reality that I’m completely alone, like for real alone finally hits me. Over the past 3 years when anyone asked me about my ex and his character… I always respond by saying something along the lines of, “He’s going through a really hard time right now.  I know how hard it is to find yourself and his happiness is more important than money.  I know that when he is able to help, he will.  Right now, he is just struggling.”  They all roll their eyes.  Every single one of them. Again, I’m making excuses for him.  Deep down inside I know it’s a crock of shit.  I want to be positive.  Thinking positive creates positive and if I believe it, than it will be.

Do you know how fucking exhausting that thought process is?  The power of manifestation is the most amazing thing I have witnessed and experienced myself.  But sometimes, It’s really exhausting when you have an ex like mine.

All of a sudden everything that didn’t bother me is bothering me.

Then I have my aha realization and I force myself to go all the way back.  Find the hidden rooms concealing every pain I’ve captured and locked away.  Pains I couldn’t release because I never allowed myself to feel them.  I denied the reality and created my delusion.  My delusion was safe and my excuses made sense.  I can’t keep them hidden anymore because someone knocked on the door and woke everyone up.  So I went into my subconscious blazing and began kicking down the walls hiding my skeletons.  Confronting them one at a time. First I have to face them, and then I have to feel them.  One by one. That’s the only way to finally be free.

I’m feeling and reliving every excuse I pretended to believe and every pain I denied its presence

2003 He’s married to his ex-wife but just came back from Iraq. We had exchanged letters the entire year during Operation Iraqi Freedom.  We fell in love. He wanted to leave his wife for me.  We went back and forth about what’s right and what we should do.  He ended up on my doorstep during military leave when he left his wife after an argument they had over sex. I showed him my world and when he cracked, I always blamed myself.  I would say to myself that something must have happened in Iraq that he doesn’t talk about and maybe my lifestyle is too much for him.  I quit for him.  I didn’t want to quit.  I wasn’t ready to give it all up but I loved him and he couldn’t handle my life.  We once went to a swingers club because it was something my girlfriends and I enjoyed.  I wanted to wow him with my life but instead it gave him an impression of me he was unable to let go of.  I normally wouldn’t partake in the festivities when we’d frequent Trapeze.  The swingers club that my girlfriends and I liked to go to after work on occasions.  I would enjoy watching.  That particular night I brought my ex, we all had a little too much to drink and everyone had touched some part of everyone else. Him and I ended up getting into an argument and I tried to prove I didn’t care so the next morning, Not having slept yet, I told him I wanted him to sleep with my roommate.  I told him to do it and when he actually did.  I was pissed.  I couldn’t tell him I was pissed so I locked it away.  Telling myself it was my fault because I asked him to do it.  Everytime we’d ever argue about anything related….I knew he thought he loved a slut, only because I chose to be honest.

2004 I’ve left my life in Miami and moved into his house in Fayetteville, North Carolina.  He’s still married to his ex-wife and going through a divorce. I later find that she was unaware of that divorce at the time. I’m playing the role of army wife and silently missing my friends and life back in Miami.  I miss dancing but would never admit that.  I miss going out of the house now that I sit inside his home all day long preparing for him to come home.  Only for him to come home and bitch about everything that didn’t go his way during his day. I pretend not to miss my life and make the best of our life.  I’m pregnant and his mother warned me not to hurt her boy.  I can’t get help because he is married to his wife and the military doesn’t take adultery lightly.  I have to go back to Florida to apply for Medicaid because I am ineligible for Tricare.  But I get to see my friends so I’m happy. I come back to Ft. Bragg after I now have insurance and our arguments continue.  We are both stressed and scared and he is worried about his career. We agree to get an abortion after discussing it for 16 weeks.  I couldn’t have a regular abortion like the one I had before.  When I was 18 in Miami. They put you to sleep and you wake up with a very heavy period and light cramping.  I was 16 weeks with this child. We both wanted the baby but neither could imagine going through with it.  We drove to a facility in Raleigh, North Carolina.  The closest one that performed terminations at that late in the pregnancy. Neither of us had the money for the procedure so I asked one of my regular customers if he would pay for my abortion.  He always gave me way more than the amount every time he used to visit my club so he was more than happy to help.  After I signed all the legal documents, I’m given two pills.  One that causes the babies heart to stop. The other to induce labor and make your cervix start dilating. I had a fraction of a second to not take those pills and instead chose to feel no emotion and just swallow. A decision I never forgave myself for.  I studied spirituality and found peace with believing that some souls serve a purpose. That some babies were never meant to be born.  That everything happens for a reason and this was a life lesson we needed to experience. After I swallowed the pill that ended my would have been childs life, they had me sit in a room with everyone else suffering the same sense of self-hatred and remorse.  When it was my turn to go back he kissed me on my forehead and told me we were doing the right thing.  I didn’t believe him but I told myself I did. I don’t think he believed himself either.  Now I’m laying on the table with my legs strapped to the stirrups.  They strap you down because they don’t administer anesthesia for this operation, but you are given gas to numb the pain. So the straps are there so you don’t kick the doctor basically.  They said you only feel a little pinching and it doesn’t hurt too bad.  That was a lie.  After the babies heart stops and it is officially dead.  They have to cut the fetus up small enough in order to remove it through my half dilated cervix.  It hurt like hell and I felt every bone break and every cut.  I couldn’t cry because I didn’t want to accept this wasn’t the right thing to do.  I focused on breathing through the pain and trying not to think.  I remember telling the doctor to stop after the first bone broke and he, with the most sympathetic  voice said, “ma’am it’s too late.  Your baby is already gone.  You have to relax so we can remove all of the fetus or you could risk getting an infection.”  I wanted to cry.  Instead I locked it away.  We went to Applebees for lunch afterwards and neither of us said much.  We agreed that we should take this time to focus on us and building our relationship…looking at this as a second chance.

One week later, he need space.

I was smothering him was his excuse when he broke up with me.  It was the 4th of July and I was driving to Ft. Myers to watch fireworks on the canal at my grandmas house.  I cried from Lakeland, Florida all the way to Cape Coral while my best friend Kristen drove in silence.

I blamed it on the abortion and told everyone who asked me what happen that he was depressed and couldn’t handle it.  That fact was true.  It took a serious toll on him.  One that almost caused him to take his life later on.

Many times I made excuses for his actions.  Too many painful experiences I muscled through and pretended didn’t bother me.  They are all coming back to me in the form of sadness and anger triggered by this new baby.

I’m angry because I know he thinks I make enough money and the boys are ok.  That reality is true.  They don’t go without.  I provide for their every need but I’m breaking myself down in the process.  Trying to find balance and make it all work in a way that makes everyone happy.  I was ok doing everything when I thought he was trying to do something for his future that would fulfill his life. Something that would in turn allow him to finally live up to a promise he once made to help when he could.  It’s only fair as I’ve fulfilled my promise to never take the children away from him and to allow visits whenever he is in town.

Now I’m not ok

 The reality hits me on the way to dinner with my friends last night.  I’m not ok because he does need to help.  Women all over the world get help from exes whether they have new spawn or not.  If he can make a baby than he damn sure can support the ones he’s already made.  I caught myself making excuses for him.  Telling myself he will need his money because babies are expensive.  I planned to be supportive when we talked. Whenever that is because I haven’t spoken to him in months. My son plays middle man telling me what dad says and that makes me angry.  He’s too young for that burden and that’s why I hide my emotion and answer diplomatically.

Then yesterday came the straw that broke the camels back.

Gabe says dad wants to know where they are spending Christmas.  They’re spending Christmas with their grandma and grandpa because I need to go work since I can’t afford Christmas.  My rental car needs renewed on the 20th so I’m letting grandma provide the magic while I spend Christmas making some cash.  I was ok with this knowing everyone was happy.  I’ve had the kids every holiday since the separation so it’s only fair.

Why do I have to work and miss everything while he gives me nothing to contribute?  Then he gets to pop in and show all of his Facebook what a good father he is.  Then take tons of pictures showing how they’re  such a happy family. I’m not ok with that and I feel so guilty because I want them to be a happy family.

I wish that were true but the sad reality is it isn’t.

Both boys suffer severe separation anxiety and I spend every moment away from them in guilt while I’m doing what I need to do to give them what they need. Then I spend every moment with them making up for spending so much time away.

I can’t carry the weight of the emotional baggage anymore.  I apologize to anyone offended by this post.  I’ve only spoken my truth from my perspective.  As I’ve previously stated.  This is my journey to self-love.

My journey and mine alone and those that take offense, ask yourself what it is that offends you?  Why does it offend you?  Maybe there is some truth buried deep inside your soul.  Emotions you’ve never felt because you pretended they didn’t hurt. Maybe my words have triggered that emotion you hide.  Be careful when facing a truth you don’t want anyone to know not even yourself.  It’s a very dangerous path, one should proceed with caution as it can be quite painful….but if you can endure the pain, in the end it’s the freest form of freedom

What’s The Mystery

It’s Saturday October 15th.  I’m at The Red Garter in Key West, Florida.  Pre Fantasy Fest, it’s the calm before the storm.

It’s been two months since I left for Canada on my hiatus so there’s a little anxiety with coming back to work.

I check in and scan the room.  I notice two men sitting by the stage at the corner bar table.  They look like father and son, which is confirmed in moments.

I take a seat next to the father since he was the one making googly eyes at me.  I can tell he has money by his demeanor.  Right away he offers to take me on his boat. I smile because it’s polite, but this is Key West….everyone offers to take me on their boat.  He asks me a question, “would you quit dancing?” I respond,  “At the moment this is my job.” He continues with, “What if someone gave you enough money to stop?”  I say with a smile,  “What if I told you I like my job and it’s not something I need to be saved from?”  He turns to his son and shaking his head in disbelief, he appears to be giving him a play by-play of our conversation. They look at each other and get up.  He stops in front of me and states “I have a pocket full of hundreds and you answered that question wrong” walks away and mumbles, “you’re disgusting!”

Wait I’m disgusting because I enjoy my job?

Mr pushing 80 yr old wrinkly balls, Viagra popping,  has to pay for pussy, control freak is calling me disgusting because I like meeting people from all over the world and sharing conversations while artistically expressing myself through my sensuality.

And that was the start of my Fantasy Fest

Also the tail end of the magnetic, energetic storm & Super Moon reaping havoc over my emotional state.

Just prior to this day I found myself lashing out at people close to me.  So much so that I was questioning my own character.  I told Chelsea I’m afraid I might be a Narcissist.  She reminds me that I’m not a Narcissist because I’m not selfish.  I’m just impatient and frustrated.  To stop psychoanalyzing myself.

I marinate on her words over the next few days

Gabriel’s 11th birthday is here and he gets his long-awaited metal detector and ant farm.  We drive down to Key West for a day of birthday shopping and to attend The Goombay festival.

The next day I take the boys to Bahia Honda for some family beach time.

Gabe goes off Metal Detecting, Andrew decides to swim so I’ve found a quiet, grassy spot under a tree to roll out my yoga mat and turn inward.

After my practice Andrew joins me on the peninsula where I can finally curl up to continue reading The Truth, relaxing in the sun.  I read a line and it penetrates my core so deep I know it was meant for me at this moment in time.

The author, Neil Strauss, has exited rehab for his “sex addiction”, spent a year trying to better himself only to become so miserable not being an addict it tears his relationship apart and consumes his life.  He’s at a breaking point where he decides he wants to embrace open relationships and feels his monogamous relationship isn’t what will satisfy him…. Now I can relate to this for many reasons….. So in the book, he’s going to dinner with the only Therapist he’s connected with and his best friend with whom he confides in. He’s wanting to hear their thoughts on his current life choice…. He speaks, His best friend speaks, and then Lorraine, his therapist speaks.  What she says to him, she might as well have been speaking directly to me because she made me question……..

question EVERYTHING!

She states, “If you’re indeed going to follow through with your decision, I’m going to ask you to solve a mystery.”

“What’s the mystery” Neil says

Lorraine continues, “The mystery is whether the path you’re embarking on is authentic or you’re operating out of a wound.”

My entire post divorce, back at it again 30 yr old stripper, I don’t need a home because I want to be free, my kids are homeschooled because I believe in unschooling and worldly education vs public school and governmentally funded robot training.

Am I wounded? Am I trying to prove a point?

All the people in my life who question me, Is this all to prove to them?  To prove to my ex I don’t need him?

Then my mind flashes to my recent Sunday Funday with my best friend since elementary school.  It’s a three-way debate and it’s me against them.  Our conversation has touched everything from fucked up relationship patterns to USA’s top reality show called the political race.  I become the topic of conversation and she says, “Candice wasn’t always like this.  Every time I meet someone and they ask me about Candice, I tell them that she wasn’t always like this.  Her husband did this to her.”  From there all I heard was Charlie Brown’s mom going “wha wha wha wha wha” an echo of background noise as my inner anger grew.

I didn’t tell her that pissed me off.  I wanted to get to the core of the anger.  No one did anything to me!

I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  I’m in the best physical state of my life.  My relationship with my children is solid.  I’m aware of my emotions no matter what I’m feeling.  I only have real friends in my life.  I’m surrounded by people who lift me up on a daily basis and allow me to inspire them with my  friendship. Instead of sitting at a desk and dreaming of travel, I’m traveling and dreaming of the now.

I realize I’m not angry, I’m hurt.  Hurt because she’s supposed to be my best friend and she thinks something has happened to me!  Thinks this is all me acting from a wound.  Like I’m a victim to my ex husband. My best friend doesn’t know me at all and that really hurts. 

I wasn’t damaged, I was set free

The book continues with Niel asking “How will I know the difference?”  Lorraine answers, “Wounds bring drama and trauma.  They don’t bring comfort.” “We all have six core needs: emotional, social, intellectual, physical, sexual, and spiritual. And if they’re being attended to and enhanced, then you’re doing the right thing.”

I think about all 6 needs. Chelsea and my kids satisfy me emotionally, Facebook and it’s shenanigans keep me socially satisfied..thank you all for being a part of my journey, the amazing people I keep in my circle constantly stimulate my intellect, Ashtanga yoga, my active lifestyle and my much talked about job as a stripper keep my physical body in check, my dance, art, writting and photos all express my sexuality and allow that outlet as I’ve temporarily chosen abstinence, and Spiritually is covered in many ways.  I’m a buhindican…that stands for Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Wiccan…very lightly on the Christianity….I have a gypsy tribe of soul sisters who help surge my spirituality.

I don’t believe I’m acting from any wounds over here.  I’m feeling 100% on my path and my purpose, but I’m not going to talk about it.  I spent all last year doing that.

This is the year of results.

That poor man thinking I’m disgusting.  It’s not easy for me being an empath and a dancer. I feel all the erratic chaos.  His energy was so negative and I sucked it right up.  I bet he doesn’t sleep well and has a terrible case of IBS.  He needs healing.  I’m going to send him positive thoughts tonight.

As for me

It’s my last night in Key West for Fantasy Fest. If you’re in town, come see me at The Red Garter.  Tomorrow I’m driving back to Orlando to spend Halloween with friends.  I’m coming right back though. I will be back just in time for the Poker Run.  Back and  energetically in check with two of my gypsy sisters.

I call my Labradorite earrings my energy blockers.  Tonight I have my energy blockers on and I’m going to kick ass

🙂

Hustling 101

My trip to Newfoundland is coming to a close and I’m starting to prepare myself for the journey back to my life in the USA.

There’s a word that keeps coming up and I’d like to elaborate on what it means to me.  The word is Hustle or the adjective Hustler.

A few weeks back when Mel was here, the girls and I were shopping for journals at Indigo.  Indigo is like Barns and Nobles meets Bed Bath and Beyond. There was a hot pink journal that said “Everyday I’m Hustling.”  We had a laugh about the journal and I wanted it but another one caught my eye and won my affection instead.

The reason the Hustle journal intrigued me was because just before that Chelsea’s good friend asked her what Hustle meant to her.  He asked her out of curiosity, because we use the term quite often.  His understanding that to Hustle was negative, like to rob someone by getting  as much money out of them as you can. That term is to manipulate and although some hustlers are manipulators, it’s dirty money.  Dirty money spends fast and always leaves you unsatisfied.

I’d like to break the “Hustle”down for all of you misinformed

The best way for me to do this is with an example of a conversation I’ve had with my boys.

Gabe asked me when I come home, “am I going right back to working?”  I said yes of course.  After he seemed upset, I explained it further.

When someone wants something, and has that motivation and drive to stop at nothing to achieve or accomplish that something, you become obsessed.  That obsession becomes your hustle.  I told my boys that what I want more than anything in this world is to show them the world.  I want them to see other countries and experience diversity and culture.  A passion I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of.  That’s the driving force behind my homeschooling.

That’s why I’m always working and it’s not just in the club.  I’m working on everything everyday.

That brings me to another conversation.  A friend a few months back told me in order to be successful, you need to pick one thing and focus on that.  Put everything you have into that one thing.

I can’t do that and here’s why

My ex wasn’t all bad and one of his sayings was “don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”  Now I learned this the hard way.  He always had a plan B and I have been the plan B and found out about other plan B’s when I thought I was the only egg, and the nest.  I put all my eggs in his basket and lost my individual hustle.  My hustle became our hustle and when it was over, I had no hustle…. It’s been a long hard road back to myself.  I’m happy to be at a place where I’m not hurt anymore and I thank him.  He taught me a lesson that gives me valuable assets in my daily life.

I have eggs in many baskets.  I currently have 4 journals myself and two top-secret one’s with Chelsea.  Each of them is a business plan.  When the Universe speaks and those aha moments come, I get right on it. Each project, or business plan is equally important to me.  All are finely woven strings creating the web that is my personal empire.

Everyone’s hustle is different.  It depends on what you seek for yourself.  If it’s cars, money and labels, then that becomes your obsession and you stop at nothing to have those things. If it’s rock hard abs and a traffic stopping booty, then your fitness is your hustle. For me it’s a quality of life.  I’ve found out what makes me happy and how I want to spend my life.  So I can honestly say, I’m obsessed with my hustle.

When I get back to Key West, my girl Rae and I are launching our non-profit that we co birthed here in St. John’s.  The Art of Love.  We want to bring art to children all over the world.  Especially now that art is being taken out of schools curriculums. We’re starting local with the children of the Bahama village in Key West. Then as we grow, so will our destinations.

Imagine this

I bring art to the world, my children will come with me.    They get to be a part of building a business from the ground.  The in’s and outs of starting a business and running it.  Not only do they learn these skills that will only better their lives, I get to show them the world by helping others.  It’s exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life.  Traveling and helping people.

Everyday is a step closer.  Whether I’m painting, writing, dancing,  masterminding or just resting…it’s all a hustle.

My Hustle

What most can’t wrap their heads around is I don’t WORK a day in my life.  I never “go to work.” I can paint until the sun comes up or work 8 hour shifts in stilettos and eyelashes.  It’s all the same.

I don’t work, I’m just living my life the way I choose to.  It’s not easy breezy.  I’m sore when I work all night in 7 inch shoes and deal with  constant rejection.  Nights I don’t make money, I feel like I put so much effort in for nothing…ie getting pretty, prepping for work, paying ridiculous fees, plus constant rejection and feelings of not being good enough when I’ve done it all and leave in the negative.  If I were to let that affect me, I very easily can fall off my game and lose my hustle.  It’s happened multiple times this past year causing me to work twice as hard playing catch up.

That’s when I needed to realize that it doesn’t matter what happens day-to-day, as long as you live your day to your fullest potential.  If that day requires rest and relaxation and you’re not pulling in any financial gain…that’s ok.  Your health is needed  to reach  maximum hustle mode.  It’s mind and body.

Hustling is a lifestyle.  It’s an insatiable hunger and drive that only ambitious people can relate to.

That’s why the term “Everyday I’m Hustling” makes me smile.  Because I am hustling everyday and I love it.  There’s no end.  There’s no picture perfect finish line.  Even if my book sells and I’m all of a sudden in a different tax bracket, guess what?  I’ll follow with another.  If I sell a painting, I paint another.  If I make a G in the club, I turn around the next day and do it all over. Stopping is about as silly as retirement.  Work your entire adult life in misery, saving for your perfect time to do nothing and then reap the benefits of all your hard work.  That kind of hustle doesn’t work for me.  I want to enjoy my life now.  In this moment because retirement may never happen.  I could die trying to get there and never sit on the sandy beach bored and wonder…”hmmmm what to do now???”

Fuck that, how about this? Do whatever you have to do now to go to that beach you dream of and then you will feel so euphoric, you set higher goals.  Once you realize your capabilities, you no longer limit yourself.  Saving for retirement is living in fear of what if.  If you build a life you love, there’s no need to escape from it.

There are two kind of people in this world

Hustlers and Quitters

Which one are you?

Montreal Mornings

As an avid people watcher, I’m elated with joy on this particular vacation.  We booked a getaway to Montreal a few months ago to celebrate Chelsea’s birthday.  The goal was to be surrounded by Reggae music.  Coincidentally after mutually putting Jamaica’s Dream Weekend off until next year, we saw an ad for #MIRF2016, Montreal International Reggae Festival 2016.  I was already planning to be in Canada and it happened to be a few weeks after her birthday.  So Montreal was perfect and we booked it.

Back to the people watching,  I said elated right?  That’s an understatement! These people are funny 🙂  This is a colorful city and we are right in Rainbow Central.  Sainte-Catherine Street in Gay Village.

This section is beautifully decorated with Pink Bulbs Streamed in Rows all the way down the street creating a floating pink archway hovering the concrete runway. Rainbows are hanging from flags, in the shop windows, painted in the streets and on the walls.

The first thing I saw upon waking up and taking a glimpse out the window was a cow and chicken.

Yes the people are funny.

Last night, we may have had too much to drink, but let me give you my interpretation.

Everyone is on drugs….like 90% of the world are walking zombie robot droids.

Seriously, whatever you’re snorting, swallow or shooting, get off it.

Last night we decided to take our people watching from the patio and out into the world.  It was scary.  Chelsea wanted to know what I was laughing at and I told her the people were weird.  She wanted an elaboration, so we paused at a bus stop and took a seat on the bench.

I told her to watch everyone as they walk by.  Really watch them.  It looks like a video game with passing zombies and you have to shoot them for points.  There’s really slow slurry ones that have glazed over eyes, drooling mouths wide open and they seem to never blink.  Those are worth fewer points because they’re slow.  Then the herds come.  In packs and there’s usually two in an altercation, one’s randomly hitting someone with some kind of object. They’re always laughing and sometimes there’s a stray peeing in a corner or throwing up in a plant. Now the most points are the fast ones.  They’re turbo charged and have this distant stare as they zoom past you. Noses dripping, heart racing and sweat flying from all angles.

In all fairness, I had a lot to drink.

I woke up this morning with a new perspective, a sober one.

Guess what, it’s just as bad.

It’s so colorful out there.  It’s fun and happy and only a few lagging drones have charges left on their battery packs.

What I’m enjoying about this morning is the amount of paserbyers that I have to debate with myself on whether they are male or female.

It goes something like this…

“She has really nice hair, but could she be a he, hmmmm?? The breast could be either well-defined pectorals or a small framed cup? Both Asexually equally hot….I’m perplexed, lol.  The twist is better than mine and damn I love those shoes!”

In the midst of all the craziness and fun, I saw something beautiful.

It was more than beautiful and also my inspiration to this post.

Standing across the street on the corner posted against the street sign was an old man in a purple button down shirt with grey slacks.  He must have been pushing 90 years old and I watched him for minutes as I stood sitting in the window eating my coconut flour pancakes with absolutely no gluten, wheat, white sugar or any additives… yes I’m bragging but eating clean should be bragged about. It feels so good.

I watched this man for minutes wondering what his story was. Before my eyes the answer unfolded.  His partner appeared from behind.  The look in his eyes lighting up as his life partner rejoined his awaiting hand.  They were still for one moment in time and only the two of them existed in that moment. I was lucky to have witnessed this pure, raw display of unconditional love. They hand in hand, two old men with gray and silver balding heads, mutual smiles and hearts beating in sync to their steps, crossed the street. They both, I’m assuming late 70s to early 90s, come from a time where, if they were aware of their sexual orientation; were told it was wrong, evil or not allowed and a sin…

These two grew up thinking or believing what they feel is unnatural.  They’ve faced years, decades and almost a century of controversy and self discovery.  Who knows what their story is or what they’ve struggled with?  Were they accepted or shunned?  Beaten or abused? Did they alway love a man, or have they loved a woman? Despite the story, they have come together in their end of days and can happily, hand in hand walk, un-judged and accepted wearing matching smiles and living in love.  In the end that’s what we all want isn’t it?

To surround ourselves with those whose hearts beat on the same paths as your own.

I only regret not having my phone in my hand to capture their moment.  Maybe it wasn’t meant for me to capture.  Maybe I should paint it.

I do have one final rant…I’m not going to let ya’ll go until I address this serious issue.

This rant is directed to the Queens in the gay community.  I love you guys.  You’re the life of the party.  Best dressed in a crowd and always the go to for what to wear advice, but in a community environment.  You’re so catty. It no longer becomes “One Love”, happy vibes when you guys have this superiority complex.  Maybe that’s just my perspective, but it’s not a biased perspective.  See, I’m neither gay nor straight.  I’m just me and I belive love is love and should never have limits. So please boys, stop playing “Mean Girls” of the LGBT community and share the playground. Love is Universal and everyone deserves an equal share at happiness.

As for the reggae festival…

It was shit. Literally not worth the trip.  The good songs only played for 45 seconds before a dj interrupted with screaming over the microphone. It was as obnoxious as trying to work King of Diamonds.  You can’t flow with the music when a dj is ruining it.

I’m deciding to pass on the concert tonight and people watch instead.

I mean I do have the most colorful corner in town at my disposal.

High on Emotions; In Love with Life

It’s August 12, 2016 and tonight is the peak of the Perseid Meteor Shower.  I purposely stayed up last night to get a glimpse of the expected peak between 3 and 4 am.  Mother nature or maybe Zeus must have been in the mood for practical jokes because after clear skies all day, a storm rolled in around midnight.  My energy is overstimulated so I couldn’t sleep.  I finally fell watching Madonna’s Truth or Dare documentary around 6 am.  That’s my go to for motivation for any inspiration when I’m feeling lacking.  I have a second chance tonight because the highest peak is seen in the northern hemisphere…..and I’m excited with anticipation.

This recent week has been absolutely lovely.  Two of my friends from Key West flew into Newfoundland and we have been in nature everyday.  We tapped into some mutual ambitions with our combined talents and have spent many hours painting, and exploring our different yet similar spiritual beliefs and practices.  I feel like the Universe is now providing long ago manifested intentions.  Everything in my life is falling into place.  I’m surrounded by love in all forms.  Happiness is abundant and I am giddily floating on cloud 9.

  Negativity is rapidly dissipating from my life. On our last hike to the Blue Lagoon, (Newfie local secret swimming hole) we sat in a group meditation.  Right above the waterfall and down the stream from the other swimmers, we released all enemies known and unknown.  In the beginning we sent love and peace to a few individuals we know are suffering from self caused afflictions.  We asked that they find happiness and abundance of their own and their hearts be filled with love.  Afterwards we separately sat and allowed the surrounding healing of the natural energy to work it’s magic.  I kept repeating the word love inside my head until the tears dripped down my cheeks.  I knew when my eyes watered that the cleansing had happened and I took a deep breath in and as I exhaled, I opened my eyes to take in the intoxicating scenery before me.  I believe the earth here has special healing powers.

It is said that the Labradorite, an ordinary stone that transforms into the extraordinary, is excellent for awakening one’s own awareness of inner spirit, intuition and psychic abilities..(which has been happening ever since I landed)..This stone was discovered here in Laborador, Canada and is naturally all over this island..like OMG!!! A few days ago I bought myself a pair of Labradorite earrings after learning about their protective qualities from my girl Rae,  who also is an empath like myself.  I told her how sometimes in my happiest moments, waves of sadness take over me and I can’t shake them.  This stone provides a shield from outside energies and is recommended for people with hearts so open that we feel everything, even if it’s unwanted.  Once again I am in the right place at the right time surrounded by the right people.  I can feel the magic from the Labradorite all over.  In the gust of brisk wind that sporadically come out of nowhere to the smell of the brutally cold natural spring water flowing out of the side of the rock.

Chelsea is on her way to the airport to pick up her longtime girlfriend and we will have a packed house of old and new friends. Excited is an understatement.  Tonight I’m planning on a candlelight yoga to relax the girls and then we will all attempt to catch a glimpse of our majestic Universe at it’s finest.

Even in all this happiness, I still find myself feeling down at times.  I miss my boys fiercely.  Today we walked for smoothies and on the harborfront a local band was playing.  Children were dancing in the grass and people sat on the stairs having picnics and conversations.  I remembered Gabe and Aj dancing as toddlers every evening when we went to the lake in Altamonte Springs for our after dinner walks.  The fountain there does a light show choreographed to classical music. The boys would dance in circles similar to the children today by the waterfront.  I felt the lump in my throat as I held it in and swallowed, wishing I had them here with me to complete this feeling of wholeness.  Their passports are expiring this month and I’m awaiting an email from the US Embassy about renewals while in another country.  I know missing them is only temporary because they’re back with me soon. I just can’t help it I want them to enjoy all of this wonderful nature and amazing company I’m grateful to have access to.  It’s an experience they shouldn’t miss.  I know there’s always next year, but I’m an in the moment kinda girl 🙂

Those are my thoughts for now as I need to prepare to introduce yoga to a few virgins of the practice.  Tonight will be interesting that’s all I have to say, lol

❤ ❤ ❤

Out with the old and in with the new

An entire year has passed, I’m finally back in Newfoundland.  It’s been a journey.  It seems as if spending time with my favorite people is a sin.  The Canadian boarder almost didn’t want to let me in.  I guess not booking a return ticket raises suspicion.  After almost an hour of interrogating the guy says, “I believe you.” He says to me he needs to make sure I’m not trying to stay.  I laugh and assure him I’m allergic to snow.

In all honesty there are so many factors determining my return.  I would love more than ANYTHING for my kids to fly here and spend a week or two.  I have to renew their passports first and I’m still not sure it will all happen in time.  As for now, I’m here and plan on enjoying every second soaking up the beautiful outdoors Canada has to offer.

My strip trip ended with an unexpected drive back to Florida, where I had to change my flight from JFK to MCO.  I decided to give Friday night a shot in Daytona and after walking with only $85.00, I vowed never to work in Daytona again. (Unless Bike Week is happening).  Also, after one manager’s comment when another girl stole my entire pile of stage tips, I won’t work at Grandview ever again.  I don’t have patience for thieves. Sometimes you just outgrow certain places and circumstances.

As for dancing, I’m taking a mental break.  My focus is on my writing and my art.  My creative energy seems to be overflowing these days.

My body, at the moment feels incredibly sore, but in such a good way.  My lower back aches from deep backbends, my calves burn from climbing, my hamstrings are sore when I sit.  All are good pains.  The result of hard work and dedication.

DETOX IS PAINFUL

There’s no getting around it.  You have to deconstruct before you reconstruct.  Break completely down in order to rebuild.

I haven’t smoked marijuana and I don’t desire to do so whatsoever.  For those that don’t know.  After my divorce, my depression was so severe that only smoking weed brought me out.  It made me laugh.  I laughed my way out of depression, and into addiction. I was in denial of the addiction, but when I tried to quit, the daily nausea was unbearable.  I was also secretly afraid I would loose my creative writing if I didn’t smoke.  That was silly of me to think.  I just have less typos to edit now 😉

On top of quitting ganja, I quit white sugars, processed foods, and COFFEE!  You heard that right!  It isn’t a miss print.  I haven’t had a coffee in weeks.  I now am a proud drinker of Matcha Latte with coconut milk and no sweetener is necessary.

My body hurts, but it looks and feels better than it has in years.

Upon landing in St. John’s, Chelsea and I have spent the last two days hiking.  It’s been an adventure and only 48 hrs.

Day one we found wild lavender fields and are going back to collect the flowers to dehydrate.  I want to make my own tea.  This has me so super excited.  The air smells so sweet as if you can taste the fragrance on your tongue. Walking back from the fields, we stumble upon two men coming from town in their horse and buggy.  The horses name was Duke, but Duke was camera shy.  I just love seeing how old country it is here.  I feel like I step into a time machine every time I land on the Rock.

Today we tackled Signal Hill.  The attempt, after climbing to the bottom from a spot we had to boulder a bit, was a swim in the Atlantic Ocean. That didn’t happen because my foot froze instantly when making contact with the water and my brain said “NO!” Instead we did what we do best and stripped down to our birthday suits for some memorable photos.    The view is out of this world and I plan on hiking everyday until I can jog the entire thing.

To me, Canada looks like the Bibles rendition of Heaven.

Business wise, I’m working on plenty of things from my computer and some are top secret for now.  Just know that next year will be a whole new ball game.

As for the present moment, I need a hot bath with Epson Salts.  Tomorrow is a moon day and I can finally take rest from my Ashtanga Practice.  Chelsea wants to learn yoga and I’m so very happy to share my love of this lineage with her.  Not tomorrow though.  Tomorrow is another adventure!

🙂

Come Ride With Me

photo by Chris Schultz

Good Evening

I just experienced the most incredible wave of emotions ranging from completely euphoric crashing all the way into tears.  It was so profound that I would like to share my thoughts and take you along for the ride.  That is if you can handle it?  I hold nothing back and in my experiences, the truth is something most can’t handle.

Lately it seems as if every obstacle has gotten me closer to where I envision myself going.  It’s a feeling hard to describe because nothing in my life is going as planned.  The alternate route’s I’m embarking upon are so much better. The craziest part is they were not my immediate plans, but instead outcomes of ideas forgotten.  Seeds are sprouting all over the place that I once planted and subconsciously continued to water.

This particular afternoon sprouts were busting through and flowers were blooming.  Messages dinging left and right, one after another all positive and all aligned with my intentions.

Chelsea says she’s excited I’ve found a mentor to direct my scattered energy and wants to meet him.  She follows with “It might be too small time here for him, no?”

I told her that’s exactly what he’s going to like about it.  I can’t wait to get back on the rock and recharge my soul with all the small time positive vibes.

She afterwards goes, “Ya men love anything we love lol” and it hits me.  They do and I respond with why.  “Because we are just being ourselves and that is rare and authentic…they want that, men crave that and not too many women know how to be just themselves.”

This statement goes both ways as well.

In the beginning of a relationship people create a false them.  They feel they need to act or be a certain way for that particular person to like them.  When you’re tired of the act, you begin to resent that person for not liking you for you. When in reality, if you would have been yourself from the beginning, that person would have saw the real you. Then you two would have had a mutual understanding on whether there was a connection or not.  Also in being yourself you are allowing that perfect person who is going to like you for you to come into your life, instead of missing an opportunity for greatness by wasting time living a lie. And being unhappy in the process.

When two like souls come together. Two beings who are authentic within themselves.  Eternal self love radiates into love energy.  A bond is created that can withstand any obstacle.  That is a twin flame connection.  Not soulmates, but like souls.  Two of the same soul.

You’ll have many soul mates along your path, but when the lesson is learned, you should part ways in peace.

So to answer the timeless question

“Why can I never find the right person?”
Because…..You have to find out who YOU are FIRST

Then you have to fall  in love with yourself, only then can you find your perfect person, because every person you meet until then is meeting your portrayal of yourself!

In discovering myself, I’ve learned I have two extremes.

My spiritual side is one; and I want to help people.  Everyone is equal to me and I want to save humanity.  That’s a big statement for such a small person.  I know this.  I’m well aware and I also don’t care.

That’s my other extreme.  I don’t care.  I don’t care about the norm.  I don’t care what society thinks. I love smashing stereotypes. I’m not trying to prove myself to anyone.  I just like what I like.  I want to live a happy, healthy and free life.

Yes I do reference my sexual expression when I say free.  I want to be free in all senses, but sexuality is something that I’m very passionate about.  The sex industry, which I’m about to elaborate on, is one of the most beneficial and under appreciated industries in our society.

Recently my mentor asked me to pick a direction to focus on so I can begin to attract the appropriate target audience.  See my stripper books and dancing require a specific image.  Yet my yoga and my spirituality and the self love image I want to show the world requires a more wholesome approach.

My answer

“I’m going to do it all…..and I’m going to be me…..and not change anything about myself”

His eyebrows raise and his smile shows me he likes my determination.  He also is a professional at building careers and has seen how image can make or break a deal.

Here’s the thing, I don’t want it unless It’s me I’m selling.

Remember that statement about the sex industry?

Here’s the very core of what is wrong with our society.  From the beginning we are programmed to believe that anything that feels good is wrong and those who indulge are bad.

I love being a dancer.  Not for the 90% of disrespectful encounters.

5% The girls….I’ve met some of the most amazingly intelligent, creative, humble, artistic, loving, worldly vixens who choose to embrace their sexuality.  Own their beauty, make good money and live happy lives in doing so.

5% The guys….I’ve also met some of the most kind, loving, caring, genuine, souls who are sad, lonely, in need of companionship.  They seek solitude inside a gentlemen’s club because in there, there’s no judgement.

Sexuality is embraced.  A woman can feel good about herself.  A man can enjoy her beauty.  It is natural law.

We all crave the same thing……*connections*

Here’s where the judgement comes in and the sadness crashes my wave.

Average society will indulge, but not respect.

A man will date a girl who dances and call her a whore to his friends.  The only reason she’s a whore is because she’s living a lie.  She’s trapped in a false reality where you like her and she’s doing everything to show you how much she likes you. Deep down inside you like it, that’s why you keep coming back.  You just don’t want anyone else to know you like it.  There’s that programming again.

Hindering your own happiness

Do you know what we all have in common?  Every single human, even children use this one natural pleasure to relive stress and discomfort.

Do you know what that is?

It’s sex……SEXUAL PLEASURE

Even kids dry hump their toys. It just feels good and it’s not wrong.

Whether it’s masterbation, making love to your partner, fucking your whore, licking your lesbian lover, taking turns with your boyfriend on whose turn it is to catch and receive ….unless you have a celibate vow to GOD, when you can’t think, you fuck.

BUT

Etched into your cerebral is the feeling of guilt.  Since what feels good is wrong, we can do it, but we shouldn’t be proud of it.  We shouldn’t flaunt it.  I get hate messages all the time from men who think I flaunt my sexuality.  I’m just expressing what I love and following my passions. They add me because they obviously see something they like. When they don’t get the response they expect, they feel rejection.  That rejection causes ego to lash out in a form of self defense.  When, if you loved yourself, you wouldn’t care if I had your attention or not because you’d know your worth. You’d want ONLY the one who saw that worth.

You would respect me for me and I’d respect you for you.

It’s normal to see something beautiful and respect it without having it. That desire to take is where your suffering lies.

When people feel guilty they pass judgements on the ones who are living the way they wish they could live.

The reality is those people are sad.  They long to be happy.  So many people spend so much time and money on the pursuit of happiness

It’s so easy.  Just be yourself.  It’s so easy that people can’t do it.  That makes me sad.

I wish I could show people how simple it is to just love yourself.

I’m so overwhelmed with melancholy thinking about all the people who suffer because they just can’t put their fears aside and live the life their heart desires.

The biggest compliment I have ever received from anyone was a man I met two years ago.  I forgot his name or where we met.  He was so intrigued by the depth of our conversation,  he then told me that I remind him of the girl from the movie, The Fifth Element.

I was so excited he said that.  Confused by the smile in my eyes, he wanted to know why I took it as a compliment.  What he meant was, I am different that anyone he’s met.  Then I told him my interpretation.

🙂

The Fifth Element represents love…….Earth, Air, Wind, Fire and LOVE.  If I can BE love, than my life is complete ❤

Things Never Go As Planned

It’s Friday night, I had planned to go to Scores for the grand opening here in Tonawanda, NY but I’m just not feeling it.  Instead I’ve spent me time.  I did exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

At this point in my evening I just want to chill.  I’m listening to 90s R&B on Google play and TLC’s,  Red Light Special is playing.  I can’t explain how perfect this song is for the room I’m staying in at Kristen’s house.  Her guest room is the red and black room. It has black walls.  Red satin curtains, a red tube light around the ceiling, a black and red comforter and black and red chaise lounge.  The decor is eclectic like the rest of her house and I’m so comfortable here because she’s the only other person in the world I know who decorates just like I do.  We’re both eccentrically eclectic, with bold pops of color and mixed themes that only go because we put them together and everyone wants to and always copies. I don’t care if they do either, I hate white walls and boring rooms. So go for it, use my ideas.  I’m a muse, it’s part of it.  And yes. Kristen’s room is a sexy room and I’m comfortable here.  Red light special is the most fitting song to enjoy my roasted and salted no shell pistachios while I share my thoughts with all of you.

I’m not sure where my thought are leading me tonight so you’re coming on my mental journey with me this evening.  I know I’m starting with my thinking about how I planned to go to Scores, but things never go as planned. Or maybe I could just be comfortable and looking for an excuse.

My flight to Myrtle is booked, I have enough money to eat and live and I’ve already arranged my travel.  I did my hair and nails so I could realistically just workout, tan and prep for Myrtle.  I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how the weekend unfolds.  We were going to Manhattan, that didn’t happen.  Who knows what will happen before I fly out Tuesday. Things never go as planned

Look at last weekend.  I planned to go home to visit Michigan so many times in the last year.  At least four attempts and never made it.  Last weekend I say, “Hey my birthday is on mothers day and it’s only a 4 hr drive” and just like that I went. It was the perfect vacation, that would never have happened had I planned it.  Spontaneous adventures are always the best.  Planned ones leave too much room for life to happen.  Life throws diversions.  Some good and some bad but if you don’t just do it, you may never do it.

I’m glad I did it.  My kids asked to stay with my mom.  That has never happened.  I’ve only left my kids with my ex husband’s family.  This is a first.  My dad had them one night and my ex’s mom picked them up the next day.  It feels meant to be.  This is the first time I’ve gone away to work, longer than one night and left my children, that I deep down inside don’t feel guilty.  I know my ex’s family loves the boys but it’s different for me to leave them with my family.  I can’t explain it but it’s different.

I get a phone call from a family member today.  She doesn’t read my blog and doesn’t follow my Facebook anymore cause I’m too sexy for her taste.  I understand and appreciate her concern, but my point is, she won’t know I’m breaking confidentiality because she doesn’t read this.  The only way she’ll know is if one of the other members of the family who do read this tells her.  BTW when I say confidentiality, here’s what I mean.  My family says this thing on the phone.  They say:

“don’t tell anyone I told you”

 The thing about that is

they say it to everyone.

10 times in one day, “don’t tell anyone I told you”

then you get another call from someone else and guess what?

They are telling you the same story, but their version goes.

” I’m not suppose to tell you this, so don’t tell anyone I told you”

That’s my family for you.  No one can keep a secret. I wish I could treat the gossip like telemarketers and put them all on a “do not call” list.   My phone would only work when there’s no gossip involved.  That would be perfect.

Today some of the gossip was important and I’d like my family to not take it personally and not sell me out. The unnamed person called me today and said that my mother’s doctor pulled her aside and said that my mom’s not doing well and her COPD is bad.  If she doesn’t take it seriously she could die. I’m not ready to loose my mom.  She’s so stubborn she’s running herself into an early death trying to please and do for everyone around her.  There’s plenty of capable people that need to pull together right now to make sure she shouldn’t lift a finger for anyone else’s benefit.  Instead you all are killing her.  I don’t want my children’s being there be the last memory they have of her.  I want it to be the first of many future vacations. So please instead of attacking the person who told me for telling me, direct your energy towards making a positive change.

Ok, changing the mood because that made me look for my wine glass.

It really is kismet having the kids stay with my family right now.  If things went as planned, I’d have a full time sitter and only traveling events.  Life happened and it is still part of the plan.  A big part of the plan and I found the perfect sitter for my boys.  She’s been so patient with me lately and I’m so thankful.  Financially though, this delay is a blessing.  One plane ticket is a lot cheaper than 4 and friends couches saves tons on hotel costs. Life is seriously hooking me up at the moment.  My gratitude is on overdrive.

That last vacation at my mothers was healing and so is this time with Kristen.  I’m sitting in her comfortable room in her uniquely decorated house.  I have the closet light on so I can see my clothes that I’ve hung the way I like it in my particular way.  Hanging my clothes was part of my me time today.

I love my clothes

I have lived rent and mortgage free for almost a year now.  I don’t have a home, but I have multiple lives spread around the states in suitcases.

Just thinking about it, I really do.  At my sister’s house in Deerfield Beach I have about 6 plastic totes full of clothes and things I picked up when I was there.  I was planning on moving back to south Florida and I aborted that mission when the RV idea came back into play.  Again another path not taken. Things didn’t go as planned

I have a storage unit outside of Daytona Beach.  Full of things I bought before I decided to go mobile.  I even add to it.  I fill up a suitcase with shopping and traveling.  Then I dump it in storage and start over with a new suitcase.  I just really love my clothes.  I have that in common with Kristen too.  For 20 years her and I always have stayed on point with keeping our personal styles.

Here at Kristen’s house I have a closet full of clothes.  I brought a small winter wardrobe.  Took myself birthday shopping because when you don’t have a man, you don’t get to go shopping 😦  I did go shopping though.  I needed it, I wanted it and I did it.

I have the same at Chelsea’s house.  I have a whole life in a suitcase.  I have stuff at my mom’s and my ex husband’s moms house too.  Maybe that’s why I can be so comfortable not having a home of record.  I have multiple homes with many back up lives that I can start living at any moment.

I’m blessed beyond belief and can achieve my dreams with the best support system possible. I like the comfort of my back up lives, but I want to keep moving until I know where I want to be.

Nothing ever goes as planned but everywhere you do go, take nothing but memories and pictures. Leave the drama behind and enter with a smile.

I’m getting sleepy and this playlist has lost my attention. I’m off to my dream world and my dream world is a really fun place to be.

Sweet dreams

🙂