All I Want For Christmas

Photo taken by Stephen Holvik in Savannah Georgia.

Hello world.  Christmas is coming and let’s just all face it.  It’s stressful.  It’s even more stressful as a parent.  Kids have everything these days.  It’s the “keeping up with the jones'” world we live in and if you don’t have the newest technology, you quickly fall behind. Gift giving is no longer about the joy of giving.  Parents feel the pressure to produce and that causes unnecessary anxiety.

At work last night I met this guy from Bermuda.  He came over to the stage to tip me and I was already exiting my set.  I went over to speak to him after I said all my thank yous.  We had a brief conversation that lead to the topic of Christmas. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said “nothing really”.  He follows with, “you must have someone buying you everything you want?”  I felt a little defensive because that’s not the case at all.  In fact last year I was bummed and feeling the Holiday blues that so many single people feel.  I haven’t gotten anything for Christmas in years and I really haven’t given much thought about it.  I get my joy from being able to spoil my kids. When I’m shopping for someone else, and I know it’s exactly what they want, it feels good inside.  But then he goes on to asking me about my kids.  I tell him that they are going to their grandmas this year and spending Christmas with their father.  He goes, “Is that going to be hard for you, not being with them?”  I didn’t want to say yes.  I’m at work and need to be “ON”.  As an entertainer, you need to be fun, happy, sexy…..you know entertaining.  Sad strippers don’t make money I always say.  So I gave him my speil about how Christmas is just another day and as long as the kids are happy then I’m happy.  I said, “besides, the magic of Christmas is not what it used to be.  Corporate America has turned it into a marketing scheme and no matter what you buy, people aren’t happy and really ungrateful.”  He tells me I sound like a Scrooge.  That really threw me off.  Me, A Scrooge?? I’m miss positivity herself!  My ex once threatened, “I’m sick of your positive shit, I want a divorce.” when I was trying to get him to look on the bright side of something.

The conversation was brief as he had to get back to his business partner, but it wasn’t over for me.  It still continued to haunt my thoughts.  Afterwards I went into the dj booth to sip my Cafe con leche I had stashed away for when I needed a pick me up.  I’m still in my thoughts so I scan the room while I reflect.  All of a sudden I feel tears wanting to escape  as I look at each face amongst the crowd.  It was already a tough crowd, not spending and just buying drinks.  Once the tears start, any dancer knows it’s all down hill from there. So I swallowed them down with my coffee and shook it off.

Why didn’t I say what was really on my mind?

That I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to handle not having my kids for Christmas.

My boys dad is coming to visit them. Given the current state of our non friendship relationship, I think it’s best that I give them all the space they need to enjoy being children with zero hostility. That left me with the question of what to do now?  I was bummed last year and the previous year with being single.  My kids filled that void and their excitement made me quickly forget not having a significant other.

Now I will be all alone, so I guess you can say I’ve been somewhat Scroogie about the whole thing.

I talk to Chelsea about everything and we had a long conversation about her first Christmas without her daughter.  She suggested flying me to the ice box so I can spend my week with all the positive support I will need.  Food, friends, chick flix and bonfires sounds like the perfect therapy. I was hesitant to say yes because I hate how this picture may yet again be painted out as a scene of me leaving my boys.  I can’t bear to sacrifice my happiness at this state of my life where I’m building a foundation based on living in happiness.

“Who cares what he thinks,” I tell myself

My kids are happy!

They are excited to see grandma.  Grandma is excited to see them.  They can’t wait to see their dad. I’m sure he is just as excited to see them. So why should I be unhappy?  Being around him will make me uncomfortable and edgy.  I’ll want to smoke to block him out and I quit.  I don’t want to put myself in that situation.

So I talked to the kids.  I asked them how they felt about me going to Newfoundland for the week.  Andrew, with his I’m left out complex, says “I thought I was going to Canada the next time you go?”  I said, “you are going to go see your dad for Christmas”…and he goes, “Ummmmmmm maybe I’ll go next time!”  with a big smile on his face.  Gabe already knew I wasn’t going to be around that week so he was happy for me. Gabe worries too much about making everyone else happy.  I assured him I was fine, and we hugged out the biggest bear hug ever.

I gave Chelsea the green light and just like that she booked my ticket.

As a child I came from a divorced home and spent many Christmas’s without one parent or the other.  My ex has missed most of the boys holidays.  This is something parents all over the world have and still are battling.  That empty feeling of not having your children on the one day that is all about love and family.  All of you who have done it and continue to do it, I have nothing but respect and I send my love your way. From the bottom of my heart I feel your pain.

I still don’t know how I’m going to feel as the day gets closer

I need my girls, I need my sisters, I need my soul tribe

I’m thankful for the people I call friends.  They are my family.  They are my family and they are my boy’s family.  I love them and my children love them.

Thinking about the question again, what do I want for Christmas?

I know what I want. I want everyone to feel love.  In some form or another, I want the world to smile.  Not a fake smile holding back pain and anger like we all are too familiar with.  A smile from the heart.  Whether it’s from giving or receiving, I want the world to feel gratitude and love. That is all I want for Christmas

❤

My Response To His Response

Photo taken last year by Stephen Holvik at Driftwood Beach on Jekyl Island

Wow! I really want to thank everyone who showed their support after my last blog post.  I had a lot of hesitation going forward with vocalizing my recent revelations.  I can’t hide the feelings I’m feeling. Now that I’m making sense of why I feel the way I do, I won’t hide.

My ex states that “who he is having a baby with is none of my business.”  He’s right, who it is, isn’t any of my business.  The fact that my children will have a sibling, changes everything about their life from here on out. I am their sole provider…that is my business. His chief complaint regarding my last blog was an accusation of a cry for financial help. He whole-heartedly believes that the time my children have spent at his mother’s house, excludes him from any further financial support.   I have no rent or bills but I do spend more than anyone I know’s rent, on my monthly expenses for myself and my children.  I’m not complaining about my life or even entertaining his ridiculous delusions of abandonment.  The people he claims I dump my kids on, would all gladly testify that his accusations are unfounded.  I could argue my point until I can no longer breathe.  Instead I will show the world a little bit of  my constant frustration and why I always chose to stay silent.

Here is my last email from him that I have not responded to

“Here’s what you don’t understand. Every time I’ve been in a position to help financially they have been with myself and or my family. I have given to my parents and taken care of them as well. You can’t come at me with this being a problem when the truth is they are not with me over half the year. You don’t know a thing about what transpires while they’re here. You saying that I can’t face anything…hmmmm, what are you wanting me to face? The fact that I hurt you? That is your issue. Not mine. As far as the job comment…let me elaborate on the whole get a job thing. You’re complaint is about money correct? You wanted full custody to make all the decisions and you got that! Let’s discuss facts. The boys have spent over half the year with myself and my family. When they’re with you they’re not really with you. You dump them on someone else quite often. Now, I tried not to be a dick but you like running your mouth for the world to see. You say it helps you and others…get a therapist.”

Take the finances completely out of the equation.  He doesn’t need to know what I spend and how I spend my money. That is none of his business. In the past three years, my children’s lives have changed drastically. I’ve spent every single day making sure that their emotional well-being has been provided for.

My blog had nothing to do with money, it was about my sadness!

This girl my ex is having a child with, I’m sad for her.

I’m sad for her because I’ve lived both of her potential futures.  Whether she keeps the baby or not, she has no idea what she is getting into.  Unless she has love for herself that’s stronger than her love or lust for him, she will spiral to the bottom of the whirlpool that is depression. Giving everything she has to him and to her love for him, she will hold on to the unfulfilled promises of a life that drifts farther and farther away from reality.

“Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it” Winston Churchill

Here I am, my ex and I exchanged a few private emails back and forth.  Two people arguing different perspectives is a battle I’ve long learned to throw in the towel and surrender.  I’m not giving up on my side.  I’m just not pursuing the argument.  His request is that I leave him out of my blog.  He’s angry and completely misinterpreted my intentions.

My blog set out as a way for me to dig internally.  I discovered that my soul resonates with written expression and I’ve found a place to set her free. I had no idea where it would lead or how it would evolve.  The more I would reflect, the more honest I became with myself.  The more honest I became, the easier speaking my truth became. When I got to that raw place, it was too fragile for anyone without pure intentions to enter.  I alienated myself from negative energy and gravitated to people who inspire me.  The support from my readers and the people I chose to keep close to me, pushed me to dig deeper.  Now my soul, which was once so fragile, is like the phoenix rising from its ashes and ready to fly the eternal sky of love that’s only available when one has learned to love in truth.

This healing process is setting my heart free.  A freedom I’ve spent many years dreaming exists. A freedom so free I want to share it with all who wish to feel as free as me.

But he wants me to keep him out of it????

For over 10 years I made every decision with his best interest in mind.  So many times my instinct would say one thing and he wanted another.  I stayed quiet and supported his side. He never made me or forced me.  I did it all by myself.

I’m not “bashing him” in my stories as he accuses. I’m just reliving my past.  Reflecting on my pain.

I’m showing the decisions I’ve made, why I made them & how I felt after I made them.

He may have been a huge influence on my decisions at those times, but I had a voice.  I heard my voice inside my head.  Instead I chose to negotiate with my voice.  I told my soul to shut up while I continuously auctioned her off one piece at a time.  I lied to myself.

 Every time I wanted to speak up,  I chose not to!

Every time I wanted to say no, I pretended to enjoy the yes!

I’m not telling my story to bash him.  He is unnamed and only a reflection.  I’m telling my story because my liberation could potentially stop just one person from silencing their soul.  If one person finds the courage to speak from their inner truth, then I can never regret any of my “bad choices” as they are all lessons on my path to growth.

I don’t apologize for what will come because I have lived all of it and have only hurt myself through my silence.

He will be upset with this and choose not to read my blog as he admits.  My heart is empathetic because I know why he’s really upset.  He doesn’t like help. He says he doesn’t have a problem.  So  when people who care about him, read what I write, they see how much pain he carries on a daily basis.  They get an idea of the self-hatred behind the tough exterior.  Drinking a fifth of liquor a day is never a genetic thing.  The excuse, “I’m Puerto Rican, it’s in my blood” is an excuse I don’t want my kids to adopt.  It’s alcoholism and it’s a form of numbing all reality instead of facing it.  That’s ok if someone chooses to live that way as I’ve been there with marijuana before.  It’s not ok for me to live that way. Not anymore and I won’t let my kids think it’s ok either.  All the people who care about him read my blog and reach out to him.  He doesn’t like help.  It makes him angry and he will push them farther and farther away.  Push them to their breaking point and continuously blame me for opening my mouth.  My wish to remain friends post divorce will never be a reality when the two of us have our own opposing perspectives of reality.

The fact that we loved each other was never a question.  We lost communication before we even built a solid foundation.  He created an image of me, I created an image of him and we spent our entire relationship expecting the other person to fit our desired image.  Constantly living in disappointment from unrealistic expectations.  Both of us unhappy and only one difference between him and I.

He acted on his desires and I suppressed mine.

I created a dream world and chose to hide in there.  Now, in my process of healing through writing, my dream world is manifesting into my real world.

So here I am,

I find myself at that awkward place which was once so familiar.  A place that used to cause my breath to become short and my heart palpitate at rapid speeds.  All while my throat would constrict as I forced myself to swallow the pain along with my pride and dignity.

My soul wants to speak and he wishes me to silence her.

I need to make myself happy now.

I got my wings back a long time ago but I’ve been too scared to leave the cage.  The door has been unlocked and wide open.  I’ve come outside to frolic and play but always stayed close enough to my false sense of security.

My heart is ready to soar and I will no longer keep her captive.

All the support I’ve received has pushed me to take my blogging to the next level.  I’m looking into a relaunch that will allow me to write my journey to self-love and bring everyone along with me.  I’m going all the way back to every mistake I’ve made and letting my readers experience the decision’s I’ve made and why I made them. Then I’ll bring them with me as I dig into the emotions that arise from those decisions.  I’m hoping to shed light on the emotional damage caused by not speaking up.

 Many of my loyal readers are asking me how they can help; This new platform will allow donations and contributions.  It’s hard to be a dancer and push for something you’re passionate about.  The world puts you in a tiny box of stereotypes filled with disbelief and fearful agendas.

I’m going to release my book, one portion at a time, for those who are interested in subscribing.  I’ll still continue to keep blogging about  my current life and it’s obstacles on my Randomactsofcandice and I will keep everyone informed on the details of  my relaunch.  I’m really excited about this next phase and I’m even more excited to live in love.

Parenting is hard

Good morning.  I’m enjoying my morning coffee while I wait out the scattered showers delaying our intended beach day.

I messaged my friend Gary when I woke up.  We have a full day of paddle boarding and snorkeling planned.  He says he’s at CVS and he’s going to “kick some ass for Aj”

Here’s how that all came about.

Saturday was Andrew’s 9th birthday.  Months ago we concluded he wanted to go to Universal Studios for his birthday.  Well we’re in the keys and that will have to wait. So I promised him as soon as we get to Orlando, we’ll go to Universal.  He was happy with that answer and all was good.

Last week I told him I’ll give him $100.00 to spend on whatever on his birthday. That made him super happy and full of anticipation.  All week he waited patiently and plotted together with his brother how they wanted to spend the $100.00

We park downtown Saturday evening, attempt to get into Better Than Sex..a dessert restaurant that is amazing but only has a small number of tables. It has grown in popularity over the year and we have tried three times in a row and failed.

We get on the wait list and I ask him what he wants to do first.

He says CVS! With so much enthusiasm I almost feel bad for my sarcastic remark.

He wanted to load a Google Play Card with $50.00 to buy phone apps. One Minecraft thing that’s 30 something…I roll my eyes and oblige.

There’s a small line.  The register is not open but there are self pay machines.  The female employee is monitoring the machines or I guess she’s supposed to be making sure everyone checks out correctly.

Andrew had 2 options for his birthday money.  I had a crispy brand new hundo in one hand and a rubber band stack of a hundred singles in the other.  I asked him how he wanted to spend his birthday money.  He chose the singles hoping to find an arcade at some point.

I did not want to be the mom with the child feeding 50 singles into the machine so I forfeited 2 of my own twenty dollar bills. Then fed 9 singles into the robot cashier. Only 9 because it wouldn’t take the last one.  Nor would it take any other one.  It froze.  I asked the cashier to help me.  She already helped us once when Aj needed her to put her code in for the card.  So she comes back and says “you again”.  I interrupted her pretend job to have her do something tangible but she can’t manage that.  For some reason the machine is frozen.  She saw me put the money in.  I handed her the last dollar of the transaction and said, “here you do it, are we good?”  She shook her head yes and I walked out the door with the card.

We went about with the birthday celebrations and CVS was a distant memory…..until Andrew wanted to load his card onto his play store.

We keep getting an error…hmmmm……wait a minute…I bet the card isn’t activated

So I call CVS and explain what happened.  The guy on the phone says that he will leave a note with my number and have the manager count the money.  They’ll give me a call tomorrow.

Ok, I’m content.  Andrew is a little frustrated but managing.

Sunday, I call again…explain in detail, again….I get the run around…they have to look at the cameras because the sale isn’t in the computers.

Call back tomorrow

Monday we decide to go down there.  After our full day of skating and finally getting into Better Than Sex.  We were famished and I knew dessert wasn’t the best option but they’ve wanted so bad to come in here so we did

Bellies full and smiles on, we walk across the street and attempt to once and for all resolve this gift card situation.

We go into the store and get, “hold on let me get the manager”

20 minutes later,  after explaining the story twice, the same girl who was assisting us on day one says…..”the manager just left, you have to come back tomorrow between 8 and 4″

I look at AJ who now has tears welling up in his eyes. His throat was tight and I could tell if I said anything to him he would cry.

 He’s waited all month for Universal only to have to wait another week.  Then gets excited and anticipates getting his apps, makes the purchase only to have to wait a few more days.  Then is being told sorry, not today, come back tomorrow.

This is where parenting is HARD!

I want to reach into my stash and just load the damn thing myself.

I can’t do that because that’s not the way real life works.

I have to train him to be the kind of adult I want him or at least expect him to be.

Not the selfish entitled brats I’m afraid are our next generation.

I want him to be able to not be discouraged when things don’t go as planned.  Learn how to take an unpleasant situation and make the best of it.

Technology errors affect my money all the time.  Refunds that don’t process in time.  Unexpected fees.  Double charges.  It’s life.  There’s no one to go in their pocket and cover my mistakes for me.

It breaks my heart to see his tears but it’s a lesson I can’t take away from him.

I also need to make sure the situation is handled properly.  Although I want my children to be humble enough to not be arrogant and act entitled, It’s imperative that they know not to take shit from anyone.

Gary messages me back.  He says that they still have not watched the cameras and he’s not leaving until they do so.

Of course they haven’t watched the cameras.  Why would they do their job?

That’s my rant.  I’ve figured it out.  People just don’t want to work.  They want to have jobs because they need money.  They don’t do their requirements.  People are so lazy and expect technology to do everything for them.  I’m disgusted by humanity.

This mornings meditation I pulled a card.  I got number 11 in my Angel deck the Strength card.   The meaning of the card is to release harsh judgments. Find forgiveness and compassion.

I’ll work on it

I can’t change the work ethic of the rest of the world, but I can make sure my kids rise above the masses.  It shouldn’t be too hard from what I’m seeing.

This morning Gary went to CVS for me.   For those of you who have not been to the keys.  There’s one road.  Key West gets like hundreds of tourist a week but there is only one road in and out.  Everyone uses the same road.

Finally the card is loaded and the delay is over.  Gary kicked some ass!

I can be more compassionate.  I’ll also admit my own mistake.  If I wasn’t so quick to loose my patience in the beginning, I would have never walked out without finalizing the sale.

My walking out was a bad example.  Not a compassionate one either.

Parenting is hard.

I guess the best way to tackle any parenting situation is to ask yourself

“What kind of an adult do you want your kids to be?”

Think about the quote, “be the change you want to see”.  It starts at home.  People, be the person you want your kids to be.

Heart Opening

Yesterday, I met with my best friend intending to do our practice together.  I made a personal goal to get my daily practice back to something that I did routinely. No matter where I am or what’s going on in life.  Ashtanga makes me feel good and I am not good unless I feel good.

On the way, she’s telling me about the yoga wheel.  She says on days when she can’t get to a full practice, she rolls around on the yoga wheel and it has opened her heart and throat chakras.  Now I believe in Ashtanga, but I don’t believe in props

I don’t do yoga blocks and straps

Taking it back a little.  I’ve had a dry cough with this heavy chest congestion.  It’s felt like a ton a bricks is laying on top of my lungs.  Sporadic body aches has been associated with the cough.  For the past two weeks myself, my children, and my sister’s family have suffered this nuisance.  I haven’t gone to work since the Saliva concert 2 weeks ago at Vixens.

Not feeling 100% yet, I decided I need to stop talking and start doing.

I needed to get back to my mat.

We get to the studio, she teaches there and we have a self practice.  No need for classes and all that jazz.  Unlock the door, go inside and head up the stairs.

The studio is 2 stories.  Downstairs has a boutique when you enter.  The bathroom and one yoga space.  Then you can go upstairs and there’s another yoga space.  That way two separate classes can go on at one time.

She pulls out the alleged “Yoga Wheel” and tells me to try it out.

I give it a shot.  I’m always hanging upside down.  Using the couch, bed and whatever else I can find to give my spine a good stretch.

This wheel, this thing feels AMAZING!

Not like anything I’ve felt before….

My chest is opening up

I roll the wheel up and down my spine, shifting my weight from side to side, raising my arms over my head and then back down by sides again.

Something happened….

An “opening” is what they call it in Ashtanga

I felt a wave of heat flush through my body.  All of a sudden I felt like I was underwater.  My ears were ringing, I’m incredibly nauseous.

I get off the wheel and lay in child’s pose.  Alexis has already started her practices.  She’s somewhere in surya namaskara A.  She asks me if I’m ok.  I tell her, I’m a little dizzy, my head is pounding  and I need to do a few breaths.

I must have been there longer than normal because again she’s like, “are you ok?”

“I just feel super dizzy and the room is spinning.”

There were more equations to my induced state.  I also am drinking at least 3 cups of coffee a day and it’s 1:30 and I haven’t had coffee today…bad girl, I know better than that.

Thinking laying down will help, I tell her, “you may be on your own with the yoga” and I roll into Shavasana….laying flat on my back, arms out to the side, palms facing up, I close my eyes and breathe…….slow deep inhales and exhales through the nose.

I feel so fucking dizzy, It’s equivalent to that drunk feeling when you’ve had too much to drink and everything you ate or didn’t eat is about to come up and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I manage to gain my composure enough to stumble to my feet.  I need to get myself to the bathroom asap! There is only one solution at this point and the toilet is calling my name.

“Step by step, focus on your breath, you’re almost there, hold it in.” I coach myself down the seemingly never-ending staircase.

I walk in the bathroom and open the door…damn it…..I can’t throw up in here….it’s too cute.  So zen and peaceful.

My body doesn’t give a shit, it’s coming out.

As soon as I lift the lid, I take one inhale and vomit.  I know this isn’t sexy, but it’s life.

It’s not your usual vomit, in fact, it’s not from my stomach at all.  Except the two almonds I saw.  It’s mucous.  Straight mucous from my lungs.

The yoga wheel broke up my chest congestion so much that I experienced a rapid release of toxins.  So much so that my body couldn’t handle it.  It was a sensory overload of nastiness that needed to escape.

A bodily purge.

Just like that, I felt better.  I still had a headache, but dulled.  The only thing getting rid of that bad boy is a nice big cup of coffee..

Rejoining my bestie upstairs, she looks concerned. As soon as she see’s me, she knows I’m better.  It’s too late for a practice for me, so I do some sun salutations then play with my camera. It’s 2016, all yogis need yoga photos..lol…so I take some of her practice.

Sadly it’s a social media requirement in this day and age

Afterwards, we address the caffeine situation at hand.  There’s this place by her house that makes the most amazing vegan dishes. I haven’t been there yet, but it’s all the rage with my Orlando yoga community. It’s called The Sanctum….their logo is real, damn good food!

…so cute and so good and so true….

The waitress handles my flirtations like a pro and she brings me 16 0z latte with hemp milk and agave….. it’s bomb! As Chelsea would say to something that is so good beyond words.

Then I order the Southern Comfort

Quinoa, (you can get brown rice) beans, tempeh, rosemary roasted potatoes, brussel sprouts, roma tomatoes and butternut squash finished with daily greens, sunflower sprouts, lentil-miso gravy and curried peanut dressing

Now for you people who don’t know that eating good taste so good.. I suggest you get out of your comfort zone and try this place.  It’s in Orlando.  Google it …My taste buds are dancing to all the spices and flavors in this little white bowl of yumminess

My body is feeling fabulous! I got my caffeine kick, headache is gone. Tummy is full and my soul is nourished because I spent an afternoon with my best friend…

$$Now it’s time to make that money$$

The Rolex Race is in Daytona and there’s expected money to be made.

I’m so thankful for that yoga wheel. Trying to go to work with that congestion heavy as it was on my lungs would have been brutal

The yoga wheel is a must.  I’m online this morning pricing them.  It’s not just for yogis, anyone can benefit from this wheel.  Start your day with a morning full body stretch.  The benefits are endless.  

My congestion is not gone, it’s better.  I’m coughing up mucous that before yesterday was stuck deep down in my lungs.  Now, thanks to the wheel, it’s broken up and coming out.

I’ll leave you all with that as I  head into the kitchen to make my second cup of coffee this morning.  Skipping my coffee was a mistake and I don’t make the same mistake twice

🙂