Things Never Go As Planned

It’s Friday night, I had planned to go to Scores for the grand opening here in Tonawanda, NY but I’m just not feeling it.  Instead I’ve spent me time.  I did exactly what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

At this point in my evening I just want to chill.  I’m listening to 90s R&B on Google play and TLC’s,  Red Light Special is playing.  I can’t explain how perfect this song is for the room I’m staying in at Kristen’s house.  Her guest room is the red and black room. It has black walls.  Red satin curtains, a red tube light around the ceiling, a black and red comforter and black and red chaise lounge.  The decor is eclectic like the rest of her house and I’m so comfortable here because she’s the only other person in the world I know who decorates just like I do.  We’re both eccentrically eclectic, with bold pops of color and mixed themes that only go because we put them together and everyone wants to and always copies. I don’t care if they do either, I hate white walls and boring rooms. So go for it, use my ideas.  I’m a muse, it’s part of it.  And yes. Kristen’s room is a sexy room and I’m comfortable here.  Red light special is the most fitting song to enjoy my roasted and salted no shell pistachios while I share my thoughts with all of you.

I’m not sure where my thought are leading me tonight so you’re coming on my mental journey with me this evening.  I know I’m starting with my thinking about how I planned to go to Scores, but things never go as planned. Or maybe I could just be comfortable and looking for an excuse.

My flight to Myrtle is booked, I have enough money to eat and live and I’ve already arranged my travel.  I did my hair and nails so I could realistically just workout, tan and prep for Myrtle.  I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how the weekend unfolds.  We were going to Manhattan, that didn’t happen.  Who knows what will happen before I fly out Tuesday. Things never go as planned

Look at last weekend.  I planned to go home to visit Michigan so many times in the last year.  At least four attempts and never made it.  Last weekend I say, “Hey my birthday is on mothers day and it’s only a 4 hr drive” and just like that I went. It was the perfect vacation, that would never have happened had I planned it.  Spontaneous adventures are always the best.  Planned ones leave too much room for life to happen.  Life throws diversions.  Some good and some bad but if you don’t just do it, you may never do it.

I’m glad I did it.  My kids asked to stay with my mom.  That has never happened.  I’ve only left my kids with my ex husband’s family.  This is a first.  My dad had them one night and my ex’s mom picked them up the next day.  It feels meant to be.  This is the first time I’ve gone away to work, longer than one night and left my children, that I deep down inside don’t feel guilty.  I know my ex’s family loves the boys but it’s different for me to leave them with my family.  I can’t explain it but it’s different.

I get a phone call from a family member today.  She doesn’t read my blog and doesn’t follow my Facebook anymore cause I’m too sexy for her taste.  I understand and appreciate her concern, but my point is, she won’t know I’m breaking confidentiality because she doesn’t read this.  The only way she’ll know is if one of the other members of the family who do read this tells her.  BTW when I say confidentiality, here’s what I mean.  My family says this thing on the phone.  They say:

“don’t tell anyone I told you”

 The thing about that is

they say it to everyone.

10 times in one day, “don’t tell anyone I told you”

then you get another call from someone else and guess what?

They are telling you the same story, but their version goes.

” I’m not suppose to tell you this, so don’t tell anyone I told you”

That’s my family for you.  No one can keep a secret. I wish I could treat the gossip like telemarketers and put them all on a “do not call” list.   My phone would only work when there’s no gossip involved.  That would be perfect.

Today some of the gossip was important and I’d like my family to not take it personally and not sell me out. The unnamed person called me today and said that my mother’s doctor pulled her aside and said that my mom’s not doing well and her COPD is bad.  If she doesn’t take it seriously she could die. I’m not ready to loose my mom.  She’s so stubborn she’s running herself into an early death trying to please and do for everyone around her.  There’s plenty of capable people that need to pull together right now to make sure she shouldn’t lift a finger for anyone else’s benefit.  Instead you all are killing her.  I don’t want my children’s being there be the last memory they have of her.  I want it to be the first of many future vacations. So please instead of attacking the person who told me for telling me, direct your energy towards making a positive change.

Ok, changing the mood because that made me look for my wine glass.

It really is kismet having the kids stay with my family right now.  If things went as planned, I’d have a full time sitter and only traveling events.  Life happened and it is still part of the plan.  A big part of the plan and I found the perfect sitter for my boys.  She’s been so patient with me lately and I’m so thankful.  Financially though, this delay is a blessing.  One plane ticket is a lot cheaper than 4 and friends couches saves tons on hotel costs. Life is seriously hooking me up at the moment.  My gratitude is on overdrive.

That last vacation at my mothers was healing and so is this time with Kristen.  I’m sitting in her comfortable room in her uniquely decorated house.  I have the closet light on so I can see my clothes that I’ve hung the way I like it in my particular way.  Hanging my clothes was part of my me time today.

I love my clothes

I have lived rent and mortgage free for almost a year now.  I don’t have a home, but I have multiple lives spread around the states in suitcases.

Just thinking about it, I really do.  At my sister’s house in Deerfield Beach I have about 6 plastic totes full of clothes and things I picked up when I was there.  I was planning on moving back to south Florida and I aborted that mission when the RV idea came back into play.  Again another path not taken. Things didn’t go as planned

I have a storage unit outside of Daytona Beach.  Full of things I bought before I decided to go mobile.  I even add to it.  I fill up a suitcase with shopping and traveling.  Then I dump it in storage and start over with a new suitcase.  I just really love my clothes.  I have that in common with Kristen too.  For 20 years her and I always have stayed on point with keeping our personal styles.

Here at Kristen’s house I have a closet full of clothes.  I brought a small winter wardrobe.  Took myself birthday shopping because when you don’t have a man, you don’t get to go shopping 😦  I did go shopping though.  I needed it, I wanted it and I did it.

I have the same at Chelsea’s house.  I have a whole life in a suitcase.  I have stuff at my mom’s and my ex husband’s moms house too.  Maybe that’s why I can be so comfortable not having a home of record.  I have multiple homes with many back up lives that I can start living at any moment.

I’m blessed beyond belief and can achieve my dreams with the best support system possible. I like the comfort of my back up lives, but I want to keep moving until I know where I want to be.

Nothing ever goes as planned but everywhere you do go, take nothing but memories and pictures. Leave the drama behind and enter with a smile.

I’m getting sleepy and this playlist has lost my attention. I’m off to my dream world and my dream world is a really fun place to be.

Sweet dreams

🙂

Faith, Manifestations and Foundation

We arrived at Kristen’s house in Buffalo, New York almost midnight after driving all day from Manhattan. Her last-minute, spontaneous vacation to the “Big Apple” was in fact a rescue mission!

I called her to come pick me and my boys up. She lives 6 hours from the city and I needed to leave where I was and she didn’t hesitate.

Because our friendship has stood the tests of time, we have come to a place where we are 100%, for better or worse, richer or poorer, till death do us part type of friends. We’ve  gone through so much together. We have fought, not talked for years, hated each other, loved each other, saved each other and learned life lessons for almost 20 years. The whole time, crying, laughing, hurting, growing, and building a lasting friendship on a solid foundation of trust.

She is a true friend!

 She came to get me the very next day, with no questions asked, we had some bumps along the way, it wasn’t a flawless rescue mission, but we made the best out of it

Not only did I have Kristen willing to help, I also had Chelsea!  The same day I called her, for the same reason…I wanted advice, yes that was my initial rescue….I needed advice and I wanted an honest answer from someone who knows me! From someone who loves me for me! Advice from someone who only wants the best for me.  Someone who will give it to me straight whether I like it or not. Both girls saw why I was upset, they had their own points as to why, but both girls also agreed that I was in a negative situation and the beginning of what could have been a toxic friendship. Both girls said I should leave and they said they’d do whatever to help. Not only these girls but I asked a few other people I trust for the same advice and got the same answer before I acted on my instinct.

I chose not to stay with a jealous, pretend friend with a manipulative personality who was a self admitting pathological liar!

I needed to talk to someone who would keep it real….so I called my people.

And they kept it real

Very real

All with the same conclusion

I needed to get away

Away from where I was.

They also agreed that I do need to find my balance. My friends had valid concerns that needed my immediate addressing. See the person I was staying with, was not who I thought she was.  She expressed concerns from who own projections, her the delivery was malicious. My friends were both willing to stop their lives in order to eradicate the problem. They are true friends. I love my friends and I will listen to my girls because they know who I am.

6 hours plus stops driving to  Buffalo from Manhattan, Kristen wanted to know after all of our talking, explaining, debating, and bonding…..she asked me sitting in her bed discussing what I want to do with my life,  after all the kids were put to bed, she wanted me to explain what I mean when I say, “I just know.”

It’s my answer to everything.

“I just know ” I say

I get defensive when someone challenges my ways of thinking

I just know that  I’m on my path!  I don’t want to explain because I just have faith!

Not faith like God will do it, and heaven and hell faith.

faith in myself.

faith that I can do whatever I set out to accomplish.

Faith that I don’t have to know what’s next.

I can only relate to people  on my level, and when I say on my level…I’m referring to the positive energy that I put out and intend to receive. This person I left behind in New York was not on my level.  She’s angry and she only cares about becoming rich and famous.  She said so herself and doesn’t care who she steps on the way up to the top. If someone is not on a positive, be a better version of yourself level, then I don’t want to allow them to bring me down. I can’t relate to negativity!

Negativity turns dark too quickly because I’ve found comfort in the darkness before.  I need to take myself to my happy place. I’m working on getting to the root of the negativity in order to continue living in my bliss.

it’s a never-ending cycle……but if you learn from the negativity…….you come out stronger, wiser and happier

Some people may have good intentions with the wrong delivery.  Let them offend you!  Take what you got mad at, take the point you want to defend and reflect. When someone pushes your buttons, remember your reaction is a projection. Talk yourself through the thought process, you’ll realize that you are defending your own actions and standing in your own way to success. You do still need to remove yourself from the negative person, but go away with a lesson.  Take what they said that hurt your feelings and let it make you a better person…not for them,for you!

I spent years watching “The Secret”. I’d watch once a month for mental reinforcements, studying positive thinking patterns, and how to live your life in a way that you are living  your own personal happiness. I also spent years learning “The Hustle”

All the sadness I’ve felt loving someone who didn’t love me

All the heart breaks I’ve had trusting people who take that trust and use it for personal gain.

All the hearts I’ve broken learning what I don’t want and won’t accept.

I’ve learned not to settle for crying yourself to sleep every single night because it’s comfortable.

Never again will I live not liking my life but accepting it for stability.

You have to take the good and the bad.

My marriage fell apart, but I found yoga. I learned from yoga and now it keeps me balanced. Heartbreak lead me to  spirituality and because I have my spirituality, I can keep myself grounded. Because I’m grounded, I’m not going to let a dark industry steal my luster. An industry that will chew you up and spit you out a hardened empty soul; an empty shell who is either afraid to love and uses sex to fill the void. Or worse, so thirsty for love that they allow the most disrespectful pieces of shit into their lives just to feel a false sense of love because they don’t love themselves. I will not be that girl.

Everything that’s happened was all part of a lesson I needed to learn. I was supposed to have the experiences I had to have in order for my growth. I need to experience what I don’t want in life in order to know what I do want.  I had to try new and different things. To know what doesn’t work for me, I had to take chances!

From the moment I had the realization and knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, every single thing I do, every single person I meet, every single experience I have has gotten me one step closer!

Kristen says I don’t want a man because the industry has hardened me,. She says I’m making money and I feel I don’t need a man. That’s not the case. I say no!  In fact it’s the opposite.

I’m happy.

I’m 100% confident! This confidence came from finding my purpose.

I want to help people!

Whether they are guys coming to a club just for companionship or whether they are girls who see that you can be a clean dancer. You can have self-respect and make money without selling your body. You can have your cake and eat it too and there’s nothing wrong with being a strong, openly sexual person.  And there’s nothing wrong with wanting a man who fits everything you would desire in a partner or not having one at all.

It’s called living to your full potential! I want to live to my full potential.

Only the guy who’s completely suitable for the life I want to live will do! Everyone else will only cause  me to stray from my path and lose my focus. If they feel right and turn out not to be right, they were there for a purpose….for my growth and I was there for their growth….. Accepting that is the difference between a bad breakup and a lasting friendship.

It’s not a confidence that comes from the industry motivating me. I’ve had that kind of confidence before.   When I was a young twenty something stripper who made a 1000 a night without  blinking an eye, I was confident. It’s not that confidence,  that confidence comes from ego. There’s this”I’m the shit and you owe me because I’m the shit” ego, that comes from the industry. My dear friend Kristen is afraid I’m getting that ego. It’s not the same as the confidence I have now. I can’t explain it, I just know.

 I’ve found my balance.  My spirituality keeps me humble.

Humility crushes ego.

I embrace my job because I love my work.  When you love what you do, you’re not working. I’m making easy money because I’ve intended the life I want to live. I’m living with faith and allowing the Universe to provide for me.

This kind of confidence is one I’ve never had before. This is all new and I never had it until the moment I knew what I wanted to do. The moment I found my faith.

I want to turn the darkness to light.

When you know what you want to do with your life it gives you a natural sense of confidence because you can see the outcome.  You already see it and you are already living it. Everyday your manifestations are manifesting.  You have to allow the receiving to happen. That’s the faith and if you want the science behind it, The power of intention is a real science.

like attracts like.

negative brings negative.

And good deeds bring more good things.

At this point in my life I need structure in order for all the pieces to come into place.  I’m at that pivotal point where I see my dreams and the steps I need to take are right in front of me.  I’m a Taurus, we are lazy by nature and love comfort. Right now I’m bitten by the travel bug and my comforts come from resorts and hotels. My life needs structure. I see two paths in front of me. One where I can fall into my comforts and plateau, another where I can regroup, call in reinforcements and find my balance. Only then when I hit the road, I hit it with a solid foundation.

I want to forever be a traveler. It is a passion!

I do eventually want roots one day and I’ll only know where that will be when I have arrived.

Tonight, I realized I’m already living both my wants. I have a strong community of an extended traveling family.

Community and Travel

I have a community in Buffalo with Kristen’s family. The boys will bond with her kids. They’ll make memories and form relationships that will grow as they grow. Then they’ll go to Newfoundland and Chelsea’s community will become part of their community. We also have communities in Florida like my lifelong friends and family in Orlando and my sister and her community in Deerfield.  I have my family in Michigan and  I have my yoga community. The Ashtanga Yoga community in itself is a never-ending opportunity to build a life long friendships

So my kids are already getting what I was afraid they are loosing, and all I have to do is implement it.

The people in my life are people who share the same drive for living a drama free positive life. I have a support system with the common goal of becoming a better person.

My children need structure…..I needed a reality check!

I got my feelings hurt and the suggestions were not suitable for my life. Only because my support system is as strong as it is, I was able to figure out exactly what I was lacking. I  finally know what I need to do in order to follow through with my plans successfully. I know what I have to do for the benefit of myself and for my children. Thanks to my friends, my foundation, and my sisterhood, thanks to  these amazing girls, I now know what I need to do.

My first Ashtanga teacher Krista taught me, “strength comes from consistency”

I need consistency where my weaknesses are and with that consistency I will build the strength to succeed. In doing so, I’m setting the appropriate patterns for my children’s benefit.

It’s hard to be a single parent.

In order to stay sane, you must have support.

When you love yourself and you choose not to settle, you learn who to trust. Your gut will guide you, it’s called intuition. When you surround yourself with positive people, you form a system of support unlike no other.

Kristen is helping me with structure, but I’m helping her find peace. We help each other.

So tonight she wanted to know after a very long discussion, “why am I explaining myself to her when I already know what I want to do?”

She said “just do it”

After leaving her room for the night my instant reaction was I got mad and wanted to defend my defensiveness. Then I  thought about it and I walked back down the hall, knocked on her door, peaked my head in and said. “You have to listen to me!!!”  “You’re part of this….this shit I come up with when we talk is the shit I need to write down.”  “I’m writing my book right now while talking to you, we just covered chapters in one conversation”   “This was supposed to happen”

We need each other

We both had life changing, self realizations in that conversation. Realizations that inspired us both to compromise. To help each other find a balance.  The balance will benefit our kids and their futures, yet at the same time, make our lives a little bit less effortless.

The most important thing I’ve learned is to not let negative people into your circle.  Don’t tell them your secrets.  Especially one’s who claim to be pathological liars.

And we get to build some memories along the way.

She laughed and said, “All right I’ll help you” lol “I want to help you!” “Now Goodnight!”

🙂